“I’m here now,” I tell him. “I’m so happy to hear your voice. I thought I lost you forever.”
“I’m happy to hear you, too. I’m glad you made the call. Even if it’s late. But it’s time to say good-bye now, okay? I have to go soon—”
There’s an ache in my chest. But I can’t let Sam go knowing this. I have to be strong for him. I swallow down the pain. “Okay, Sam.”
“I love you, Julie. I want you to know that.”
“I love you, too.”
Some static comes through the line. I have to say what I need to say faster.
“Thank you, Sam. For everything you’ve done. For picking up the phone because I needed you. For always being there for me.”
A silence.
“Are you there?”
“I’m here. Don’t worry,” he assures me. “But I need you to say good-bye now. Okay? I need to hear you say the word.”
I swallow hard. The words come out cracked and broken. “Good-bye, Sam.”
“Good-bye, Julie.”
Right after, he says, “I need you to do one last thing for me, okay?”
“What is it?” I ask.
“After we hang up … I’m going to call you again. And I need you to not pick up this time. Can you promise me that?”
He needs me to break our connection for good. He needs me to move on.
“I can…” I whisper, even though it kills me inside.
“Thank you. I’m going to hang up now. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’m glad we were able to speak one last time,” Sam says. “Even if it was just for a few seconds.”
“Me, too,” I tell him—but the call has already ended.
My body goes numb as I sit on his bed in silence, waiting for the call. And then the phone rings. The number is unknown but I know it’s him. I squeeze the phone tight, wanting to pick it up so badly, desperate to hear his voice again. But I can’t do that to him. I made a promise. So I let it ring. I let it keep ringing until it stops, the screen turns black, and I’m alone in the room again. My heart shatters, and sinks into the pit of my stomach. I set the phone down, and curl up on Sam’s bed, letting myself cry.
Our connection is over. Just like that. I’ll never get to speak to Sam again. I should get up and go home, but I can’t seem to move. So I lie there in the dark for a while. In his bed, alone in the emptiness of the house, wishing things were different. And then something happens.
A chime goes off from somewhere in the room, followed by a blinking light. I lift myself up from the bed to see what it is. Sam’s phone. I grab it and turn it on.
A hundred notifications fill the screen. I go through them and see text messages and missed calls from Mika, my mother, and everyone else who couldn’t reach me these past few months. Here they are, flooding back to me, right after I ended my last call with Sam. Like the phone’s been reconnected to the world. Like everything is moving again.
There’s a new voice mail. One dated from tonight. But the number is unknown.
I listen to it immediately.
Sam’s voice comes through the phone. “Hey—so, I’m not sure if I should do this … Or if it will even work. I probably should have said this to you over the phone, but we ran out of time. Or maybe, the truth is, I was scared you would think of me differently … That is, if you knew why I picked up the phone that first time—” He pauses. “Before we hung up, you said something that made me feel a bit guilty. You said I picked up your call that night because you needed me. I guess part of that is true. But that isn’t the reason I answered.” A long pause. “The truth is … I picked up because—because I needed you. I needed to hear your voice again, Julie. Because I wanted to make sure you didn’t forget me. You see, I took you to all those places—like the fields, to see the stars that night—so that you’d always remember. So that whenever you looked up at the sky at night, you’d think of me. Because I didn’t want to let you go yet. I never wanted to say good-bye, Jules. And I never wanted you to, either. That’s why I stayed as long as I could. So don’t blame yourself for anything. It was me that was keeping you from your life. Maybe it was a bit selfish of me. But I was just so scared you’d forget. I realize now I made it a lot harder for you to move on. And I hope you forgive me for that.”
Sam pauses again. “Remember back in the fields, when I asked what you wanted … if you could have anything? Well—I want those things, too, Jules. I want to be there with you. I want to graduate with you guys. I want to move out of Ellensburg, and live with you, and grow old together. But I can’t.” Another pause. “But you still can. You can still have all those things, Julie. Because you deserve them. And you deserve to fall in love a dozen times, because you are kind and beautiful, and who wouldn’t fall in love with you? You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. And when I think about my life, I think of you in it. You are my entire world, Julie. And one day, maybe I’ll only be a small piece of yours. I hope you keep that piece.”