He stares at the Tilt-A-Whirl without a word.
I frown, unsure how to get through to him. “Whatever it is, James, I’m sorry. It makes me sad that you aren’t talking to me. Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?”
James looks at me for the first time. “You’re taking Sam from us.”
“What do you mean?”
He looks back to the Tilt-A-Whirl. “I heard Sam talking. He said he doesn’t want to live with us anymore. He said you guys are leaving somewhere.” He looks back at me. “Is that true?”
I’m at a loss for words. Sam mentioned he had an argument the other week with his parents about what he would do after graduation. About moving to Portland with me and pursuing his music instead of going to college. That’s probably what this is about.
“I would never take Sam from you,” I say.
“So you’re not leaving?”
How do I answer this? “Well, I’m going to college. And Sam might go with me. But it doesn’t mean either of us is leaving you.”
Before I can say more, Sam appears, holding a stuffed animal.
“It’s a lizard. Cute, right? Took me forever to get it from that bucket toss game. I’m pretty sure it’s rigged.” He gives it to me. “I won it for you.”
“That’s very sweet.”
I turn to James, lowering myself to him. “You like lizards, don’t you? Here…”
James looks at me, at the lizard, at Sam, then back at me. “He gave it to you,” he says. Then he walks off.
“Don’t go too far!” Sam shouts. He turns to me. “Don’t worry about him. He’s been like that lately. I’ll take care of it later, okay?”
“Okay…”
“You should cheer up. We’re at the fair. Did you want to go on a ride?”
I look around us. All these rides seem too intense for me. “Maybe just once on the Ferris wheel,” I say, pointing behind him.
The lights from the Ferris wheel can be seen from anywhere in town. It stands a hundred feet high, towering over the other rides and almost every building in Ellensburg.
Sam turns around, looking up at it. “Oh. Uh, are you sure you don’t want to go on, you know, something else?”
“What’s wrong with the Ferris wheel?”
“Nothing. It’s just a little high up, that’s all.”
“Are you afraid of heights?”
“What? Of course not.”
“Then let’s go.”
The Ferris wheel somehow seems taller when you’re standing beneath it. We hand someone our tickets and step into our windowless gondola. Sam takes a few deep breaths. He’s a bit jittery all of a sudden. When we hear the mechanism coming to life and feel the Ferris wheel begin to move, Sam grabs my hand.
“Are you gonna be okay?” I ask.
“Yeah … totally fine…” He laughs a bit nervously.
The ground slowly disappears as we move toward the sky.
Sam takes another deep breath. I give his hand a squeeze.
“You know, I used to be afraid of heights, too,” I say.
“Really? And how did you get over it?”
The gondola shakes as we make our way back up for the second loop. Sam twitches in his seat.
“You have to close your eyes first,” I say, as I do this myself. “Are they closed?”
“Yeah.”
“Mine, too.”
“Okay. And then what?”
“And then you pretend you’re somewhere else,” I say. “Anywhere in the world that makes you forget where you are. It doesn’t even have to be a real place. It can be somewhere in your imagination.”
“Like from a daydream?”
“Exactly.”
The Ferris wheel continues to move. But it feels different with your eyes closed.
“So where are you?” I ask.
Sam takes a moment to think. “I’m in a new apartment … that you and I just moved into … and there’s a park right outside the window … and we have a record playing in the living room … and there are boxes everywhere that need unpacking…” He squeezes my hand. “Where are you?”
“I think I’m there, too,” I whisper.
I sense him smiling.
“I don’t want to open my eyes,” Sam says.
But the ride is about to come to its end. I can feel it. I squeeze my eyes tighter, hoping to stop time or at least slow it down. Because I don’t want to open mine, either. I don’t want to lose him. I want to keep them shut and live in this memory of us forever. I don’t want to open my eyes and see a world without Sam.
But sometimes you just wake up. No matter how hard you try not to.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
NOW