I flip my braids to the right, letting the underside catch the heat of the fire better. “Now you will be unfit for today’s activities.”
“And what would those be?”
I lower my voice so any listening undead cannot hear.
“Stealing a ship.”
“The Drifta’s galleon? The one that sank us? You mean to take it?”
“Aye. We’ve now enough crew to man it. If necessary, I will of course stay behind so everyone can escape. But if it’s possible for us all to get away together, I would prefer that.”
“We won’t leave without our captain.”
“You will if I command it.”
“Aye,” he says, his voice growing husky. “I will, and when I get everyone to safety, I’ll come right back for you. Even if I have to do it in a rowboat all by myself.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I am utterly serious.”
“You’re fatigued, Kearan. You best get some sleep while you can.”
“I have never been more awake.”
“Well—good, then. We will need all hands for the task ahead.”
He doesn’t move any closer to the tents, and I don’t leave my seat by the fire. His breath fogs into the air, while mine remains invisible. I’m glad for it. He can’t tell just how much faster I’m breathing.
You can’t be afraid of the dark when you’re the monster lurking in the shadows.
I am no such thing right now. Not with him. Not for some time.
And I don’t know why or what that means.
“You’ve thought yourself a poor captain for this journey,” Kearan says, pulling me from my thoughts. “Let me point out that time and time again, you’ve put the crew before yourself. Even me. You’ve put me above you when you never should have. Do you still think of everything that’s happened as your failings? Is that why you are out here alone?”
I cannot speak for a moment. “That is what you think I’m stuck on? My failings as a captain? Kearan, there is no doubt in my mind that another captain could have done a better job, but that is not what keeps me up at night.”
“Then what is it? What troubles can I ease?”
My heart picks up like it does before I’m about to make the kill. Only this time, that is not what is happening.
I do not fear this man in the usual way. I do not fear his height or his bearing. I do not fear his mind or his words. It is his heart that terrifies me, and the few times that I have been afraid of something, it has always been remedied with some quick knifework so it can trouble me no more.
But blades are not the only way to kill something. Sharp words can make feelings die.
“What you said to me yesterday,” I say, keeping my face neutral. I am in control of this conversation. It will not go anywhere that I do not allow, and I am sick of fearing it.
“Mmmm” is the only response he makes.
“Well?” I demand.
“What?” he asks, exasperation tingeing his tone.
I lower my voice again. “You said you would never lie to me. You said you didn’t want anything between us. You said that by agreeing to Threydan’s terms, you would be lying. All three can’t be true.”
“Can’t they?”
At that, my look turns chilling. “Kearan Erroth, stop talking in questions and speak plainly.”
“What’s the point of that? No good will come of it.”
“The point is that I cannot make sense of you, and I want to understand what you meant.”
“No, you don’t.”
My hand goes for a knife. I pull it from a sheath in my boot and twirl it between my fingers. I need a means to occupy myself. And perhaps he’ll be more forthcoming if I have something sharp in my hands.
“You don’t want the truth, Sorinda,” he continues, moving closer so I can hear his lowered words. “You want what will make you feel in control. Believing I want nothing from you makes you feel in control. Unthreatened. It doesn’t force you to make decisions or think about me the way I want you to think about me. You want what’s easy. You need it. Because what you’re doing, all these external pressures of being stranded in a foreign land and looking after so many individuals—these trials would be difficult for anyone. You don’t need my feelings and thoughts making things harder. Besides, if I showed you exactly how much I want you, you would only distance yourself further from me. This way, I could help. This way, I could be your sailing master for the voyage. Your confidant. Your friend. I couldn’t have become any of those things if you thought I wanted even more.”
My knuckles turn white on the knife. “So you did lie to me.”
“I said I didn’t want anything from you. And that’s true. I don’t want just anything. Sorinda, I want everything with you.”
My gaze leaves the knife I’m holding and latches on to his face.
Everything? “What does that entail?”
“Does it matter?” he asks. He looks furious.
“If it didn’t, I wouldn’t ask.”
“Fine. Everything entails trust, honesty, friendship, love. A lifetime of all of it.”
“Oh, is that all?” I ask to be difficult. My fury rises to match his, but I refuse to raise my voice. Not when his life still hangs in the balance.
He has wanted me from the beginning and led me to believe otherwise. For my own good, no less, he proclaims.
So I would let down my guard. So I wouldn’t push him away so readily.
“You tried to trick me into liking you, is that it?” I ask, my voice going deadly.
“I wasn’t trying to trick you into anything. I was making this journey better for the both of us.”
“By playing with your words. Lying but not lying? You think you’re clever?”
“I think that, even now, you’d rather fight than be truthful with me. You’d rather stick that knife through my gut than tell me that you like me the smallest bit, even if it’s true.”
I toss the knife to my left hand, let my right index finger trace the indent of the fuller. “Truth? That’s what you want from me? You think if I tell you the truth we’ll live happily ever after?”
“Ever after is uncertain, but it looks a lot more hopeful when you have someone to share it with.”
Hope. Is that what he wants? Then I’ll just dash his hopes right now so he’ll finally see me for what I really am.
“All right,” I say quietly, twirling the knife in the air and catching it. “I’ll tell you the truth.”
And then he’ll leave me be, and I can focus on the problems at hand without his constant attention and nagging.
“You were right,” I say. “I did lie to you about what happened the night I lost my family.”
Kearan shakes his head abruptly. “No. We don’t need to do this now.”
“We do,” I disagree. Clearly he needs to see me as I really am.
“Sorinda—”
“Be quiet.”