And don’t worry. I won’t say a word to Wallov about what happened during the attack. He need never know Roslyn almost went over. We had enough of a scare during that nasty storm. You remember? The one where Riden got himself tossed overboard. He can be such an idiot at times.
The next call is yours to make. I respect your choice as captain and trust you to make the right decision for your crew. You know the situation better than I, so proceed as you see fit. Stay the course and find those missing girls or turn around and come back.
Just know that I have every confidence in you. The land king’s ship was captained by one of the land king’s men. He doesn’t have you or this crew I’ve handpicked. You can all do incredible things. Better yet, no one was ordered to go on this voyage. You’re all there by choice. If anyone can pull this off, it’s you and this crew.
But again, the choice is yours. Remember, as captain, you can change your mind at any time. You can stay course, and then if things get worse, turn around.
I trust you.
—Alosa
Alosa’s faith in me is emboldening, but I wish she would order me to do as she sees fit. Instead, she’s leaving the choice up to me. What if I make the wrong one? Alosa didn’t lie when she said I would make mistakes. I’ve made at least four, and they have names: Cyara, Unesta, Rorun, Lerick. But Alosa’s lost sailors, too, and she’s kept going.
I know I have to do the same.
We can save more than we’ve lost, but even if we lost half the crew, we still need to fight for those who need our help. It’s what we do. We give our lives for our fellow crewmembers. It’s what being a pirate under Queen Alosa means.
I hate this responsibility, but I also can’t leave those girls to whatever fate befell them.
We keep going.
Chapter 10
WE SWITCH BACK TO a daytime schedule, with most of the crew alert when the sun is out.
Not that the sun makes much of a difference these days. The air is so cold I can see my breath in front of me. I keep the hood of my warm jacket over my ears and regularly have to cover my nose with my hands. Any burnable debris from the fight was stored belowdecks to dry out. We’ve plenty to burn to keep everyone warm below. But taking shifts on the deck is hard.
The floating ice gets bigger and bigger, until we have icebergs bigger than the ship. They slow us down considerably, as we have to alter course to avoid hitting anything.
“I didn’t know it could get this cold,” Kearan says with his hands firmly on the helm. He has thick gloves encasing his fingers. I can’t imagine how cold the wood must be to the touch. I’m surprised the ocean isn’t frozen solid yet.
“Talking is hard,” Enwen says in response. “Whoever thought talking would be hard? It’s as if I don’t want to risk that little breath of heat leaving my body.”
“And yet you’re still speaking.”
“I do it for you, Kearan.”
“Lucky me. How do you feel, Captain?” Kearan asks.
“Cold.” The question is stupid, so I give a stupid answer.
“That all? You know you can tell us if there’s anything else.”
Enwen blows heat into his glove-covered hands. “Yeah, Captain. Kearan’s a good listener. He can go hours without saying a single word.”
Dimella is a little ball of furs beside us, but she perks up at those words. “That’s because he’s probably fallen asleep, Enwen.”
Enwen looks at me out of the corner of his eye while shushing Dimella.
“Don’t you shush me.”
“Sorry, Miss Dimella, but I’m trying to encourage a conversation here, and you’re ruining it.”
“I don’t follow.”
Enwen mouths the words epic romance to Dimella, but she doesn’t catch them. I immediately look at Kearan and relax when I realize he’s not paying a wink of attention to Enwen.
“Miss Dimella, why don’t you come show me the starboard side of the ship?” Enwen asks.
“What?”
“I think we should leave the aftercastle and go on a stroll.”
“Why?”
“You’re useless,” Enwen says to her before storming off. “Excuse me? Sailor, you get back here.”
She takes off after him to give him a tongue-lashing, but it doesn’t matter. Enwen’s plan worked, and I’m now left alone at the helm with Kearan.
“I’ve been saying it for years,” Kearan says. “Enwen is mad.”
“You’re not much better. How are you feeling, Captain?”
“It’s your first time captaining a ship. You’ve lost four sailors. You should talk to somebody about it.”
“I did. I wrote Alosa and told her all about it.”
“And what did Alosa say?”
“None of your business.”
Kearan grunts. “Did she tell you not to blame yourself? Or did she assume you’re unaffected because that’s how you always act?”
I say nothing.
“So she did assume you were fine. Then let me tell you not to blame yourself. It’s not your fault. Don’t focus on the four souls you lost. Think of the twenty-five you saved.”
“Why don’t you keep your thoughts on yourself? Better yet, keep them to yourself.”
“You look out for everyone on the ship. Someone needs to look out for you.”
“I don’t need looking out for. I’m a damned pirate assassin, Kearan. The only looking out you need to do is for the knife at your throat when you finally piss me off enough.”
He grins. Grins. And says nothing more.
This is why you can’t let them know they get to you. They smile at your expense. My hand goes for my closest knife.
“I care,” Kearan says. “I want to know how you’re doing. I want to know how I can help. We’ve been through some things together. Storms and broken masts and fights against the pirate king. That doesn’t leave anyone unaffected. I just want you to know that you’re incredible, and I want you to be okay.”
My clenched fingers release the knife as sense finally slams back into me.
“Stop trying to flatter me!”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“Just because I’m telling the truth doesn’t mean I have an angle. I’m not trying to get anything from you.”
Except he is.
Because men always are.
“Then stop talking. Because your words are purposeless.”
I see his mind turn as he tries to work an argument around that one, but a call interrupts us.
“Land ho!”
When I join Roslyn up in the crow’s nest, I think all she’s spotted is another iceberg at first. It’s much larger than the others, for sure. I can’t even see the edges on the sea, but as we draw closer, I begin to spot other things.
Green. There’s vegetation, and with vegetation comes life.
The little lass has eyes sharper than a hawk’s.
I put the spyglass to my eye, making out the shapes of trees and mountains and snow-covered terrain, but there’s not anything terribly exciting to see on land.
The water surrounding it, however, is another matter.