Too Late

I can see the apology all over her face. I can feel the regret in her words and in the tears that are still falling.

“I love you,” she says, completely fucking murdering me with those three words. “I’m sorry for everything. I miss you so much.” I kiss her again, and then I slide on top of her because those three words have already made my dick so fucking hard, I can’t think straight. I push into her and she gasps for more air. I go slow this time. I don’t fuck her like I did a few minutes ago, because that was when I thought I hated her.

I kiss her, and I’m gentle with her, because she’s been through so much. I make love to her and I watch her face the whole time because I love her. She’s the only good thing that’s ever happened to me and I somehow almost forgot that. “I was wrong, baby,” I say to her. “It doesn’t feel different. It feels exactly like it used to feel. You feel perfect.”

She forces a smile, but it’s hard for her because this is so fucking intense. Being reunited with her like this, feeling her hands on me and the way her legs wrap around me, wanting me deeper inside her. It’s the most intense feeling I’ve ever had. It almost makes the entire last few months all worth it.

This is heaven. This is God’s apology.

“I forgive you,” I whisper, and I’m not sure if I’m forgiving Sloan or if I’m forgiving God. Maybe I’m forgiving both of them, because this is worth all the forgiveness in the world. She feels so fucking good right now, I might even consider forgiving Luke.

Okay, that’s not true. I’ll never forgive that piece of shit. But I’ll worry about him later. Right now I’m preoccupied with the love of my life, remembering every curve of her body, every curve inside her body.

I try to make it last, to make love to her like she deserves, but I’ve missed being inside her so much, I can’t even hold back the second time around. I press my face against her neck and wait for her moans. She always moans when I release inside her.

As soon as that precious sound glides up her throat, I fucking lose it.

“Fuck,” I say, thrusting hard into her once. Twice. “I fucking love you, Sloan. I fucking love you, baby, fucking hell.”

It’s the best thirty seconds of my life.

She’s still holding on to me when I’m finished. She’s shaking. I love that I make her whole body tremble with mine. I love it. I love her.

“Don’t leave me again, Sloan,” I say quietly. I roll onto my side and I pull her against me. I can’t even describe this. I thought I loved her before, but it doesn’t compare to this moment, to the intensity rushing through my veins. My heart beats for her. She’s why my heart still beats at all, and I’m not sure I realized it to the extent I realize it now. “Don’t ever fucking leave me again. If you break your promise again I don’t know if I can be as forgiving.”

Maybe this feels so different because I love more than just Sloan now. I love what’s growing inside her. The feeling I got while I was inside of her was more than I knew I was capable of feeling, and I don’t think I realized until this moment that it’s because there’s more of her to love. There’s her and then there’s the tiny little piece of heaven that we created together, growing inside her body. And fuck Luke. Luke wouldn’t be capable of creating life that’s due on Christmas fucking Day.

I know I created this baby with her because I wouldn’t feel this way if it were Luke’s baby. This feeling is God, letting me know that a part of me is inside of Sloan, and that I need to do what I can to protect both of them from Luke.

I press my cheek to Sloan’s stomach. I lay my palm flat against her skin and I squeeze my eyes shut, but the tears still come. I can’t believe I’m fucking crying right now. What the fuck? Does realizing you’re a dad instantly turn men into pussies?

I squeeze her tight and I kiss my baby. I kiss her over and over. Her stomach is so beautiful, and I know the life we created together will be beautiful, just like Sloan. She runs her hand through my hair, and the next words she whispers to me will never leave my soul. Ever.

“You’re gonna be a Daddy, Asa.”

I laugh and I keep fucking crying, and then I’m on top of her again, kissing her. I can’t get enough of her. “You’re so beautiful, baby. You’re so beautiful. If I knew how fucking beautiful being pregnant would make you, I would have tampered with your birth control way sooner than I did.”

I feel her freeze for a second and it makes me laugh. I pull back and look down on her, but she gives me a half-hearted smile. “What?” she says. Her voice cracks a little. It’s so fucking cute.

I laugh and kiss her again. “You can’t be mad at me, Sloan.” I put a hand on her stomach again and look down on her. “I did it for us. So you wouldn’t leave me.” For some reason, she’s still crying. But so am I. I laugh again, wiping away some of her tears. “And now look at us. We’ve been through fucking hell, but look at us. We’re having a baby.” I lower myself on top of her again. I kiss her. Slow, deep, promising. When I pull back, I leave my lips pressed lightly against hers. “You won’t leave me again, Sloan. Not with my baby inside of you. Right?”

She immediately shakes her head. “I won’t, Asa. I promise. I love you. I’ll never leave you.”

I have no idea how it happens for a third time, but hearing those words makes me hard again. I’m already on top of her and I barely have to move to slip inside her. I squeeze my eyes shut. I kiss the tears off her cheeks. And I move inside her, slowly, over and over, needing to make up for all the nights we’ve been apart. I can feel the sweat sliding down my forehead. I can feel my heart as it increases its pounding against the walls of my chest. My whole body is exhausted because our third time together goes on for so long, I start to grow weak. But I could make love to her like this forever. And I will.

For fucking ever.





There was a moment.

It was a split second, almost too quick to notice. It was right when Asa pulled back and looked down on me, begging me to kiss him back. It was a moment of desperation. And I took advantage of it.

I know if I fight him right now, I can’t win. Fighting back is what every part of my soul is screaming for me to do. It’s been screaming for me to fight, to defend myself, for the entire time Asa has been inside this apartment. I’m not even sure if he’s been here for a whole hour yet, but it feels like an eternity. I can feel my soul, clawing at my insides, begging to be set free from this pathetic shell of a body it’s been stuck in since the day I was born.

But this is the moment my soul and I need to finally become one. This is the moment my body needs to align with the rest of me, to calm the nerves, to protect the baby growing inside of it, to preserve our lives for as long as it possibly can. And the only way that can happen is if I give this body to Asa.

That’s all I’m doing. It’s just a body. My soul is still strong. It’s fighting the only way it knows how. But my body needs to give in... just long enough to save me.

I tell him what he needs to hear. I touch him like he needs to be touched. I make the noises I’ve trained myself to make for him. I speak the lies to him that I’ve trained myself to speak.

I’ve been pretending to love him for two years. What’s one more day?

Finally, after he finishes...again...I feel it. A sense of peace. A quiet calm, letting me know that my soul and my body and my mind and my perseverance have all come together in understanding. We are going to fight Asa with the only weapon stronger than he is. We’re going to fight him with love.

He falls to my side again and pulls me so that I’m facing him. I smile and cup his cheek with my hand. “What now?” I ask him, gently stroking his face with fingers I’ve somehow convinced to stop trembling. “How do we get out of this mess, Asa? I can’t lose you again.”

He grabs my hand and kisses it. “We get dressed and walk out the front door, Sloan. Simple as that. And then we go somewhere...anywhere. We get far away from here.”

I nod, taking in all that he just said.

Asa is dumb as shit, but somehow, he’s also one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I’ve always had to try to stay a step ahead of him. This is no different. Every move he makes from here on out is a test. I dissect his words and flip them over in my head.

He knows we can’t go out the front door. He knows about the surveillance. That’s why he came through the window.

I shake my head. “Asa, you can’t walk out the front door,” I say, forcing myself to sound worried for him. “Luke has me under surveillance. If whoever is out there sees me with you, they’ll call Luke.”

Asa grins.

It was a test.

He leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. “We’ll go out the window, then.”

“I need to pack first.” I start to get up, but he pulls me back down.

“I’ll pack for you,” he says. “Don’t get off the fucking bed.”