“I don’t know how to be casual with you, and that scares the shit out of me. I’m trying to. You’ve made it clear you don’t have anything left to give, and at the same time, I’m still so fucked up from things that you don’t even know about.” His face screws up in pain, quickly reminding me that I’ve barely scratched the surface of Ryan’s past. “It all hit me like a freight train last night.”
It’s evident this is weighing on his shoulders, maybe more than it’s affected me since last night. This conversation is important, and as much as I want answers, I know I don’t have the mental strength to give it the attention it deserves. The attention he deserves.
I turn back around, wrapping my hand around his calf.
“We can talk about it another day,” I suggest. “When I’m feeling better.”
Hand slipping around my neck, he palms my opposite cheek and drops a desperate kiss to the top of my head, lingering his lips there for a moment.
Then he resumes braiding my hair, leaving that conversation on hold.
His words were laced with desperation and honesty, but he is wrong about one thing. I do have something left to give. I’ve quickly learned that when I’m not putting on an act, when I’m encouraged to be unapologetically myself, the exhaustion from wearing a perfect mask is gone. I have the energy to love someone, and my heart has the space to accept it in return.
Alex may have drained the old me, but the real me, I have plenty left to give.
And I think I’d like to give the real me to Ryan if he wants it. I think he’d treat my heart with kindness.
24
RYAN
Morning shootaround was relaxed but filled with reporters waiting to talk to us the second we stepped off the court. I did my job, giving them enough of an inside scoop before I was back behind the microphone for pre-game interviews answering more probing questions.
This afternoon, I went home for a quick pre-game nap, finding Indy packing for another road trip. I was hoping she’d call out and give herself more time to rest, but she promised she was feeling like herself again. Her fever broke in the middle of night and the twenty-four-hour bug seems to have come and gone.
She freaked me out when I saw her at that party, clammy skin and sunken eyes. I didn’t realize she’d need someone to remind her to take care of herself, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. She spends so much time making others happy that I’m learning she tends to pass over her own well-being in the process.
“Shay.” Ron stops me in the hallway after I’ve finished my pre-game interviews. “We missed you at practice yesterday.”
He stands in his tailored suit, hand outstretched to shake mine.
“I’m sorry, sir. Indy was sick, and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone. I know you have to fine me for an unexcused absence. I completely understand.”
“A family emergency qualifies as an excuse.”
“But she’s not my family.”
“Is she not? You live together. You clearly love her enough to miss out on time in the gym. I’d call that family. She’s good for you, Shay. You never would’ve skipped practice last season or any season before that.”
He’s not wrong. I wouldn’t have dared miss precious time on the court. My opponents sure as hell wouldn’t and how am I supposed to be the best if I’m taking days off while my competition is working hard?
But when Stevie called to tell me Indy was too sick to stand, I wasn’t thinking about my competition or the game at all. I was thinking about the blonde across the hall who I’d give up almost anything to take care of.
“As my boss, don’t you want me at practice?”
“I want you to have a balanced life, and for a player at your level, you’ve never had that before. I won’t lie, I was skeptical about the whole thing. I thought you were trying to pull a fast one on me, but I know you. You’d never give up time in the gym for a ruse. I like this version of you, Shay. Keep it up.”
My stomach churns with unease at the accuracy of his words. I knew Ron was suspicious of me and my fake relationship, and come to find out, the part where we weren’t faking it at all is what got him to believe in us.
The whole thing is starting to feel messy, and I hate a fucking mess. How much of it is even pretend anymore?
I care about Indy much more than I’ve allowed myself to care about anyone in years, and at the root of it all, it’s centered around me using her. It’s a sickening realization.
“Caroline was looking at the schedule, trying to find a road game she wanted to fly out for. The Raptors are going to be in Phoenix at the same time as us. Would Indy want to catch your game with us?”
“Oh. I’ll have to see if she’s free and if it works for her schedule.”
Yet another night I need her to use her. What the hell is she getting out of this deal? A wedding date to impress a group of friends that don’t deserve a second of her attention?
“But,” I continue. “She’ll be working, so I’m not sure if she can make it.”
“Of course,” Ron says, clapping his hand on my shoulder as we begin walking through the players’ tunnel to the home locker room. “I wanted to mention, there’s been a lot of chatter behind the scenes. I know it’s only January, but there’s only one name floating around for league MVP and it’s yours.”
I stop in my tracks. “No shit?”
“You act so surprised.” He laughs half-heartedly.
“I am. I didn’t expect them to consider someone from a non-playoff team.”
“We’re making the playoffs. At the rate you boys are playing? There’s no doubt in my mind. You’re doing good, Shay. You’re exactly who I needed you to be this season. A good return on my investment.” His phone rings in his pocket. He pats me on the shoulder one more time and finishes with a, “Good luck tonight, kid.”
It’s what I’ve wanted to hear all season, that he believes I’m the right man for the job. That’s what this whole ruse with Indy has been about, proving the team made the right decision when they named me as Captain. Sure, a lot of them still go to Ethan when they need something, but I’m two months away from getting us in the playoffs, something that hasn’t been done in the organization in years.
I allow Ron’s praise to wash over me as I warm up, and I carry his words into the game. I don’t necessarily need someone else to tell me I’m doing a good job. I know I’m doing a good fucking job. I’m on pace to break my personal records in both assists and points in a single season, but I won’t lie and say gaining the approval of the man who signs my paychecks isn’t a total ego boost.
It’s what I’ve been working towards. It’s what I’ve been lying for.
Middle of the third period, up by eighteen, the home crowd of Chicago fans electrifies the building. The boys have been playing great, completely in sync. No one is in foul trouble, and all our starters are hitting double digits in scoring.