She stops her giggling.
“Yes, I worry about you and that stresses me out. And you’ve practically shit a rainbow all over my apartment which almost gave me an ulcer, but when you’re home I don’t feel like I have to put on a show. I have a hard time with new people. I’m sure you know that by now. But with you, I can be myself, and that might seem like nothing to anyone else, but to me, it’s everything.”
Silence lingers between us, but I wish she’d just fucking say something.
“Stop being nice to me or you’re going to make me cry.”
I smile at that. “You always cry.”
“I know! But that was really nice to hear, Ryan.”
Fisting my free hand, I keep it at my side, holding back from touching her. I don’t want her to misinterpret my reasoning for being vulnerable. I did it simply because she deserves to hear how special she is.
“Since you didn’t give me the secret I wanted, I’ll just ask. You can decide if you answer.”
Pausing, I give her time to ask the question I inevitably know is coming.
“Why don’t you date?”
Exhaling, I scrub my free hand over my head.
Fuck it. I already know I’m going to give her the not so pretty details one day. “The last woman I was in a relationship with tried to get knocked up so she’d get eighteen years of child support from me.”
Indy stays eerily silent.
“As if she did get pregnant with my child, I wouldn’t be involved.” I chuckle without much humor behind it.
“Ryan—”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You won’t date because of that. That’s why you have a hard time trusting people? This is the woman from college?”
I nod, silently answering both questions.
In a rare moment, Indy is speechless, maybe picking up on the fact I don’t want to talk about this any longer. But she gives me her silent support through the squeeze of my hand.
“Will you tell me a secret now?” I ask.
“I don’t have many secrets. I’m kind of an open book if you couldn’t tell.”
“What are you saving money for?”
I can almost see the wheels turning in her head, contemplating this conversation.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“No. No, it’s nothing to be secretive about and it’s nothing exciting. Just…promise me you won’t laugh.”
“Well, now I’m intrigued.”
Even through the darkness, with the stars illuminating her face a bit, I can see her looking away from me.
“I’m saving money to have my eggs frozen.”
Huh?
My brows are creased in confusion. “Why? You’re still so young.”
“I know I am, but my ovaries aren’t. Thanks to my genetic line, at twenty-seven, I’ve got some old-ass eggs. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom, and I don’t care how. Stepmom. Foster mom. Adoptive mom. But if I want to keep the very slim chance of being a biological mom, this is my only hope. It might be too late already, I don’t know, but I need to try.”
Okay, now I can’t help but touch her. Grazing my fingertips across her cheek, I push her hair behind her ear. “Why would I laugh at that?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been told I sound desperate. Maybe I do, but I don’t care. It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted in life. It’s just unfolding a little differently than I pictured. I refuse to ask my parents for help. It’s my potential family and I want to do this for myself, but that means working more to make some extra cash.”
“Who called you desperate?”
“I don’t remember,” she answers far too quickly.
My little lying roommate. It was her ex. That’s clear as fucking day.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way because I’m genuinely just being curious. But why did you wait so long? If you’re worried it’s already too late, I mean.”
She exhales. “Ryan, I’m pretty sure you already know the answer to all these questions. I didn’t do it sooner because the man who I thought was going to be the father of my children told me he wanted to start trying. Soon, I mean. It was always ‘soon.’ It wasn’t that I wanted to have kids right then. I was young. I’m still young, but I did need to make a decision or a plan, and his plan was to continually dangle ‘let’s try soon’ in front of me. It’s my fault for not taking action, so that’s on me.”
I let go of her hand and instead, tuck one arm under her body, pulling her into my chest. She hides in the crook of my neck, so I speak softly, my lips to her ear. “There’s nothing desperate about going after what you want most in life. So, fuck him for saying it because even if you don’t want to tell me, I know it was him.”
“It might end up being a waste of money.”
“Money comes and goes. This is your life. Be selfish for once, Ind. You spent six years catering to that guy’s timeline. It’s about time you do something for yourself.”
She buries herself deeper into my neck.
“And ironically, you want a child so you have someone else to take care of and therefore you’re not being selfish at all.”
Her body shakes against mine with quiet laughter. “God, what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing. You’re a nurturer. It’s who you are.”
“I think you’re a nurturer too.”
An awkward laugh escapes me. “I don’t know about that.”
“Yeah, because you’re not caring and protective and sweet at all. You’re just a selfish basketball player who only thinks about himself and his career.”
Her voice carries a sarcastic tone, but she’s not far off. That’s who I am.
“And you’re probably mentally agreeing with me, but you’re wrong. One day, you’ll see it.”
I run my palm over her back, quickly learning that Indy didn’t bring those footy pajamas she threatened me with. She’s wearing some kind of silky sleep set and I could not be more thankful I can’t see underneath the blankets. Because I know it looks as good as it feels in my hands, and I’m over here trying my fucking hardest to be a gentleman while sharing a bed with my biggest weakness.
Indy lifts her head from my neck to look at me. The subtle glow of the stars outlines the slope of her nose, the fluttering of her lashes, the soft pillows of her lips. She wets the bottom one with a slick slide of her tongue.
Fuck me, I want her, and even though she’s made it clear she’s got nothing left to give, I find myself desperate to take even the scraps if they’re offered.
What I’m not sure I can do is separate a physical relationship from the rest the way she wants, so instead of taking her mouth, I brush her hair behind her ear and place my lips on her forehead.
Indy yawns, repositioning herself as I lay back on the bed. She rests her cheek on my bare chest and slings an arm over my waist.
“To be honest, my stack of pillows is much more comfortable than your chest, but I guess you’ll do.” She readjusts. “Seriously, Ryan, it’s like sleeping on a goddamn boulder.”
“You’re awfully whiney for a girl who’s practically burrowing her way into my skin right now.”