“Because he’s practical,” Zanders reminds me. “He doesn’t indulge in anything.”
Four plates, four sets of silverware, four bowls. Organized to the point of insanity. Is it self-control to live as precisely as Ryan does or is it a form of self-punishment?
Remembering how rude he was the night he came home and found the mess I created, it’s all starting to make sense. I upended his structure, his routine. His control was taken away in the one space he finds solace.
And I’m the crazy new roommate who threw a shoe at his door.
I can’t imagine going through life the way he does, never being able to let his guard down with all eyes on him, but if his apartment is the one place he can do it, then the black and white minimalistic prison he’s living in isn’t going to cut it.
It’s decided. I’m going to bring some color into Ryan Shay’s life if it’s the last thing I do.
The sun was already rising by the time I left the airport. Between the overtime win in Edmonton and clearing customs, I made it home hours after I had planned. Coffee seemed like a good idea. Hell, it’s always a good idea, but especially when it’s my first full day in the apartment and I have a mess to unpack. Not to mention, I’m hoping to spend time with my new roommate today, so I want to be as perky as possible because I’m going to make sure Ryan Shay enjoys living with me if it’s the last thing I do.
“Would you like a carrying tray?” the barista asks.
“Please. That’d be great. Thank you.”
“Indy?” I hear from behind me as I stack my coffees. “Oh my God, Indy, is that you?”
Turning, I find a group of girls—my friends. My childhood lifelong friends.
“Maggie? Hi!” I burst, quickly engulfing her in a hug. “I missed you. Hi, you guys.” I look over her shoulder before hugging three more of my long-time girlfriends. “I missed you all! What are you doing downtown so early?”
Hesitating, Maggie’s face drops. “We’re…uh…we’re going shopping for the bridesmaid dresses.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry. I would’ve invited you. I honestly didn’t know you were back in Chicago. I thought you might still be in Florida.”
“I texted you when I got back. I texted all of you.”
“Well, come with us! This is perfect that we ran into you today.”
I look down at my uniform, needing to change, needing to sleep. Wishing she would’ve told me, so I could’ve planned.
“Mags,” Angie cuts it. “We only booked for four.”
“That’s okay,” I offer with a forced smile. “I just landed from a work trip and haven’t slept yet. I need to change. I have a really full day,” I lie. “Just…let me know which dress you guys pick so I know what to order.”
“I miss you, Ind.” Maggie runs a palm down my arm. “Can we all get together soon? It’s been way too long.”
“Yes, please,” I sigh in relief. “I miss you all so much. Is everyone still doing Wednesday night trivia at Scouts? I’m in town this week. I can come!”
The girls exchange nervous glances. “We are…” Angie hesitates.
Maggie’s head tilts with sympathy. “But Alex still goes, and you know how close the guys are.”
“Right. Of course, they are.” There’s a lump in my throat that I’d like to blame on exhaustion or being an emotional person as it is, but that hurt.
There was a big group of us kids who were glued to each other from a young age. The numbers never dwindled, and we formed what I thought was an unbreakable bond and a lifelong friendship. Maggie and Kevin started dated shortly after Alex and me, and the other couples formed years later. I thought these were my people. I thought I was going to raise my future children with these women, and now it feels as if I’m the one left out. As if I was the one who was unfaithful to my partner of six years.
“Let’s have a girls’ night soon, yeah?” Maggie suggests. “When the boys are busy.”
Another forced smile because that’s what I do. “Definitely. You and Kevin, you’re good?”
“So good! I mean, the wedding planning isn’t really Kevin’s thing, but we’re great.” She leans in closer to whisper in my ear. “He said we can start trying on the honeymoon.”
She pulls away with wide and excited eyes, and by “try” she clearly means for a baby. Maggie doesn’t know about my fertility concerns, none of these friends do, but her words unknowingly twist the knife in my chest.
“That’s…that’s amazing, Mags.”
“Oh! I’m so glad I ran into you.” She reaches into her bag. “I didn’t know where to send this. I’m not sure where you’re living, but here’s a save the date. You’re in the wedding, so you already know all the details, but I wanted you to have one.”
I take the ivory envelope from her. “Thanks. I’m so excited for you both.” My smile is far from genuine, and I feel terrible for it.
“Where are you living anyway?” Angie asks.
With my friend’s brother who happens to make more money than God, is hotter than sin, and plays basketball for a team my ex-boyfriend idolizes.
“I’m crashing with a friend I know through work.”
Pity smiles flash back at me.
“You’ll help with the bridal shower, right? And the bachelorette if you’re in town? I’ll need you to help with the theme and décor. Food.” Maggie laughs. “All of it. You’re the best party planner we’ve got.”
It’s my self-assigned role. Host. Event coordinator. The one who always makes a huge deal of birthdays and promotions. The friend who wants to celebrate every exciting moment of my people’s lives, to give them a moment of recognition so they know how special they are. The one who ensures those around her feel good about themselves.
I truly do love it, but it hurts a bit to remember that not a single one of my friends, outside of Stevie, congratulated me on my own promotion.
Plastering on a smile, I tell Maggie, “Of course, I will. Anything you need.”
“Are you doing okay?” she quietly asks.
Is she kidding? No, I’m not okay. My entire life was upended because of a decision someone else made. I had no place to live, no bed to sleep in because of someone else’s decision. The life I envisioned for myself, the family I imagined, have all disappeared thanks to Alex’s decision.
But before I can answer, Maggie adds, “Alex is still in the wedding, so I totally understand if you have any hesitation. You both have a plus-one though, so I’m hoping that’ll help the situation.”
What does that mean? Is Alex using his? Would he do that? Clearly, I know nothing about the man I thought I would marry, so I can’t answer those questions.
She lightly squeezes my arm. “Can’t you forgive him? I want everything to go back to how it used to be. All of us spending time together.”
“What?” I force out a laugh. “Maggie, he slept with someone else in our bed.”
And he’s never once asked for forgiveness, let alone apologized.