Erica put her plate down on the table. “That’s a nice thing to say about someone.”
“Yes. And when he died, I forgot how to be brave. For the last couple of years I’ve been playing it safe because I didn’t have the belief in myself that he had. I relied on him to tell me everything was going to work out. I suppose I’d let myself believe that he was the one who was going to make it work out. Instead of building up my own confidence, I leaned on his. And after he died I told myself that I was keeping things the way he’d wanted them because it was a way of keeping him close.” She paused, suddenly seeing things more clearly. “The truth is I kept things the way he’d wanted them because I was afraid. I was afraid to do things the way I wanted to do them, in case I messed it up. There would only be myself to blame.”
Anna stirred. “And now?”
“I’m not proud of the fact that it took Chef Tucker walking out and Stephanie being her usual inflexible self to make some changes, but at least I did it.” She sat up straighter. She shouldn’t need Brent in order to be brave. She should be able to do that for herself. “I feel better for it. More in control. Ready to make decisions and take responsibility instead of needing someone else to tell me what to do. I’m grateful that the three of you were here.” She was sure she wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t been there. “I don’t think I’m good with change. You cling desperately to the familiar, to what you know, because even if it’s not great it seems more appealing than the unknown. I’ve always taken what I believed to be the safe option, but I was deluding myself. There is no safe, because life continually throws in the unexpected. Does any of this make sense?”
“Yes.” Erica spoke quietly. “It does.”
It felt good to talk about it. “Being a mother increases the pressure. If I get it wrong, it affects Delphi, too. I’m not just responsible for the inn, and for myself, I’m responsible for a child. And sometimes that feels huge.”
Anna’s smile was wistful. “It certainly does.”
“It isn’t only the practical stuff, like worrying if I’ll make such bad decisions I go out of business. It’s the emotional side of things. The way I handle myself. Children see everything. And they copy. They see the way you react to things. They learn from it.” She thought how much she’d learned from her father. “It’s important to me that Delphi sees me being resilient, but also I need her to see me handling change even when it feels scary and hard. And change often is scary and hard, isn’t it?”
The three women were silent and she had a feeling she’d struck a chord.
“Yes.” Anna’s voice was thickened. “Change can be very hard, particularly when it’s something you haven’t chosen. You want to freeze time.”
Hattie saw Erica glance at Anna and had a feeling there was more to the comment than simply an astute observation on human behavior. Either way, Anna was right about sometimes wanting to freeze time. That was essentially what she’d done since Brent had died.
And she realized that everything she’d been applying to the inn applied to the rest of her life, too. She’d been standing still, as if by not moving on she could somehow keep Brent with her.
“Obviously, I didn’t know Brent,” Erica said, “but I’m sure the man you describe wouldn’t have wanted you to be feeling this way. He sounds as if he was the bold, adventurous type. He’d want you to get out there and live life to the full.”
“Yes, he would.” And it was what she would have wanted for him, too, had their situations been reversed. She wouldn’t have wanted him to pause his life. She would have wanted him to make the most of the life he’d been given.
And finally, she saw it clearly. It wasn’t a betrayal to him to make small steps forward, to move on. It would have been a betrayal not to. She owed it to him to live a full life and not let her decisions be driven by guilt or fear.
She felt lighter inside. “It’s good to talk to you. Thank you.”
“Good to talk to you, too. We, the Hotel Book Club, are always available for advice and bonding sessions. So this date with Noah—” Claudia cleared her throat. “Sorry, I mean this not-a-date with Noah, where are you going?”
“I don’t know. He said he’d book somewhere.”
“That’s romantic.”
Hattie laughed. Noah was more down-to-earth and practical than romantic. “He probably just didn’t know at the time. Which brings us back to this dress.” But she no longer had doubts about the dress. She didn’t want to melt into the background. She didn’t want to play it safe. She wanted to wear a dress that made her feel happy, and this dress most definitely did that.
Anna waved a hand. “The dress works wherever you end up eating. It’s agreed. We’re doing hair and makeup and you are going to enjoy a guilt-free evening.”
“And if he kisses you,” Claudia said, “you are going to kiss him right back. I bet that man is a seriously good kisser.”
This time Hattie said nothing. She already knew he was a seriously good kisser, but that wasn’t something she was willing to share. Some feelings were hers and hers alone.
But maybe instead of hiding from what had happened, it was time to address it.
TWENTY-ONE
Erica
Erica hauled the sled to the top of the bank, following Delphi, who was, quite evidently, a great deal more experienced at this than she was. The padded jacket she’d bought for the trip felt bulky and unfamiliar. It wasn’t flattering and it was a long way from her usual choice of clothing, but at least it was doing a good job keeping out the cold.
She paused to draw breath, feeling the freezing air fill her lungs. All around them were trees and beyond the trees the mountains. Below her the ground fell away in a gentle slope all the way to the gardens of the inn, the fresh layer of snow turning hedges and plants into frozen sculptures.
Erica had never been on a sled and couldn’t quite believe she was doing it now. When she’d suggested Delphi pick an activity, she’d expected to find herself coloring, or reading, or enjoying some other quietly thoughtful occupation. But Delphi had wanted to go outdoors.
“She loves it out there.” Hattie had tucked Delphi into multiple layers and helped her pull on snow boots. “She’s an unstoppable bundle of energy. After a day at kindergarten, it’s what she needs.”
Erica had managed to pretend that playing in new snow in temperatures capable of freezing human skin was exactly what she needed, too.
Fortunately, Anna had been keen to join them and the three of them had trudged round to the back of the hotel and then up to the top of the slope, which Hattie assured them provided first-class and very safe sledding. Anna had gone first, whooping her way down the hill while Delphi cheered. And now it was Delphi’s turn.