She moved the mat, and there was the unmistakable furry, buck-toothed grin of a little mole digging out a hole. Sophie clutched both hands to her chest as she watched the mole pop its head out before diving back down and into the earth. She let out a yelp of fear because, really, moles had aggressive-looking teeth.
Sophie turned her attention back to the class and found her fellow students were all on their mats and looking directly at her, but she locked eyes with Jewel, who stared back. “I’m...” she started to say. “There was a mole, I swear!”
The class ended with an abrupt Savasana from Jewel, and though Sophie couldn’t be entirely sure, even the Pomeranian seemed to glare at her.
Sophie sheepishly walked up to where Jewel was at the front of the group and shrugged an apology.
“You always knew how to make class fun.” Jewel stood with their hands on their hips and smirked at Sophie. “Remember when you fell asleep and snored so loudly I had to wake you up?”
“Child’s Pose is very serene,” Sophie said. “Unfortunately, I seem to have a history of animals trying to court me. There was an incident with a peacock in a garden...” It was hard to forget Reginald, the peacock who’d tried to mate with her.
“You’re lucky, you know. Peacocks can symbolize new growth.” Jewel rolled up their mat. “Maybe the universe was sending a message.”
“And what message do you think the universe is sending with a mole?” Sophie laughed.
“Hmm...that one I’m far less familiar with.” Jewel tucked the mat under their arm.
“Do you have some time to talk before your next class?” Sophie asked, grateful when Jewel nodded.
There was a bench under a nearby oak tree with many branches and much-needed shade. They parked themselves there, and as Sophie sat, she gave Jewel a hopeful look. Hopeful that they could talk and she would find some answers.
“I’m surprised to see you.” Jewel put their hand on the back of the bench.
“A good surprise, I hope,” she said.
“Always good.” They gently brushed a thumb across Sophie’s shoulder to reassure her.
Because Jewel wasn’t on social media, Sophie had no idea what they’d been up to, so she asked. Jewel was single, had recently gone on a meditation retreat in Costa Rica, and adopted two cats: Warrior One and Warrior Two.
When Jewel asked how Sophie had been doing and what was new, she felt comfortable giving them the highlights about her book, new bungalow apartment, and how she was trying (and failing) at writing a second book.
“You’d be amazed at what meditation can do for the creative soul.” Jewel sipped from the copper water bottle at their side.
“Trust me, I love finding my third eye.” She smiled at Jewel. “I think my writer’s block might require more than meditation, though. I’m going on a bit of a journey to understand why I’ve never fallen in love. And I wanted to ask, why do you think we never did?”
Their breakup had been a series of conversations where it became clear that while Jewel was happy in their coupling, Jewel might also be happy exploring other people while they were still together. But Sophie had not been interested in sharing.
“You know I don’t dwell on the past. I live in the moment.” Jewel glanced off and admired the urban nature around them, as if to prove their point.
“Right.” But Sophie wanted Jewel to dwell in the past, if only for a few minutes, so she pushed. “But did you feel like we weren’t working for any particular reason?”
Jewel shifted on the bench to face her before saying, “Maybe it’s best for you to see who you are now instead of digging into what went wrong then. We can’t change the past. We can only shape our future. Who are you, Sophie?”
Sophie’s head fell back as she let a big breath out. “I’m not sure I know how to answer that.”
“I’ve meditated in this very spot before when searching for answers.” Jewel stood, and so did Sophie.
“Uh-oh, you just brought up something you did in the past.” Sophie pointed a finger at Jewel accusingly.
Jewel’s eyes narrowed at Sophie, the way they used to when she needed extra help with a yoga pose in class. “Focus on Future Sophie and you won’t miss the past one.” They hugged, and Sophie let their firm yoga arms wrap her in a very tight embrace. She had missed that.
As Jewel began to walk away, Sophie remembered the question she still had to ask, even if it was deeply uncomfortable. “Wait, would you ever consider dating me again?”
Jewel considered, then said, “I only look forward, remember?”
Jewel left, but Sophie plunked back down on the bench in frustration. She was more than a little annoyed that her ex wouldn’t so much as budge or give her anything in return. How could Sophie plan for the future without resolving her issues from the past? She took a deep breath in, then out, and eventually closed her eyes. She might as well try to meditate, like Jewel said, because her ex hadn’t exactly been helpful when it came to finding answers.
Focus on Future Sophie. Okay, future her would publish more books. Future her would be able to wake up in the morning and not feel like a total failure. Future her would have a relationship that was happy and healthy and included the words I, love, and you. Those all felt like the goals she’d had in her mind since, well, forever.
Who are you now, Sophie? Ugh, she kind of hated this question. Who was she? Oh, she was many things: almost unemployed, aimless, feeling like a total fraud. Not actually all that far from the person Jewel had dated.
When she had been with Jewel, Sophie was newly out as pansexual. And, in an attempt to make their relationship work, she’d started doing yoga almost daily and taken on their vegan diet, even though she didn’t much care for either of those things. Sophie had been searching for who she was then—still working as a massage therapist and tinkering on a book—was it possible she was still searching for herself now, even after all this time?
Her cell buzzed in her pocket with a new text. She snapped out of her thoughts and pulled her phone out.
Carla: When do I get to see you?
Sophie should’ve been ecstatic: this was the moment where she could inch her foot into the door and prop it open to see if she and Carla could revisit their relationship. She’d fantasized about them reconciling for months after their breakup, and there was a possibility that it could happen. Maybe this was the love story she needed to fix her book.
But she was drained from yoga and trying to find meaning from Jewel’s words. So instead, she opened TikTok. She had writer’s block when it came to her book, but not when it came to recording a video.
“I live in LA, so of course I dated a yoga teacher.” She rolled her eyes to the camera. “I saw them today, and it was surprisingly nice to catch up.”
Sophie licked her lips before saying, “I asked why we didn’t work out, and they wouldn’t tell me. Instead, they told me to focus on who I am now.”
Sophie took a breath in. “But I don’t know who I am yet. And maybe that’s a bigger problem than I even understand.”