“Why do you do it, though? I don’t understand. You’ve got more than enough money, you don’t need it—”
“Lion does though,” I cut her off, on the defensive now.
She seemed to grasp that, but still, I felt I needed to add something.
“I don’t do it just for the money. I like to fight. I like to know I can stop the person in front of me. That I have control of the situation. I can tell what you’re getting at, but if you think I’m going to stop doing these things just because you and I—”
“Because you and I what?” she interrupted me. “What’s the end of that sentence?”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t even know what was happening. I just knew it was a mistake. Noah was a simple girl, the kind you’d give flowers to and candies in a heart-shaped box, and that just wasn’t me. The mere thought of it was ridiculous. But the problem was all my misgivings vanished when I had her close. I knew I shouldn’t kiss her, touch her…but I couldn’t help it. She was right: I was the one who was looking for her.
“It’s fine, Nicholas, don’t say anything. I know who you are. I’m not going to expect anything more from you than what we have right now.”
I turned around and went back inside to watch Lion’s fight.
What did she mean, she knew who I was? I didn’t like the sound of it. I felt gripped by anger, but I couldn’t say exactly why.
19
Noah
It was a mistake, coming here tonight with Nicholas. Yeah, he was attractive, and, yeah, I couldn’t even think straight when he touched me or kissed me, but I didn’t like who he was. Nicholas Leister moved in a circle I had avoided my whole life: fights, out-of-control parties, drugs, alcohol… Those were all things I didn’t want to be a part of. I was still trying to get used to my life here. I’d only left home two weeks ago, and literally everything had changed. I was still messed up over Dan, and starting a relationship with Nicholas made matters worse because I was perfectly aware of what a guy like him would want from a girl like me. Maybe I was old-fashioned or weird or whatever, but I liked to do things the traditional way. I wanted a guy to want to be with me and show me that every day. I liked sweet words, kind gestures, and that just wasn’t Nick. I wasn’t ready for my heart to be broken again before it had begun to heal. I wasn’t even sure I had a heart anymore, just thousands of little pieces I kept trying to glue back together.
I told myself I would have to try to have a normal relationship with Nick. We couldn’t be together, but that didn’t mean we had to hate each other. The fights with him, the push and pull since we’d met, all that was exhausting. We lived together, so we should try to be friends, if it even was possible to be friends with someone who stirred you up in that way.
I stayed by the door waiting for Lion’s fight to be over. I couldn’t watch. I hated physical confrontation. It was upsetting that people could enjoy it; they were even making money betting against the fighters. It was gross and humiliating.
Nicholas had walked past me to go stand with Jenna and their friends. There must have been two hundred people in the crowd. Lion won his fight after fifteen minutes, but unlike Nick, he had bruises from blows to the chest and an ugly cut under his left eye. Jenna threw herself in his arms when she saw him and kissed him while everyone cheered. Was that what Nick had wanted? For me to throw myself at him just because he’d left some guy laid out on the ground? Ridiculous.
Nick came over to me, took my hand, and walked me out. It was strange to feel his fingers intertwined with mine but somehow distant, as if this were just something practical—a way to keep me from getting lost—and there was no affection in it. Something had changed since our last conversation. He seemed mad at me, as if he didn’t even want me there. It hurt, but what could I expect?
I looked at his wounded knuckles. There was dried blood on them where he’d struck his opponent. I felt nauseated, and I needed air. What the hell was I doing here?
When we were close to his car, he left me to talk to his group of friends. Jenna was gone, and I felt lonely and scared. I decided to get an Uber and started to pull up the app. But Nicholas hurried over and tore it out of my hand.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting an Uber.”
“Are you crazy? This is illegal. You can’t give away our location. We could get arrested.”
I didn’t care. This place felt dangerous, and I wanted to avoid trouble. However good he looked, he wasn’t worth it.
“I need to leave,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t like your world, Nicholas.”
He didn’t seem offended. If anything, he seemed indifferent.
“You’re not built for this. I shouldn’t have brought you.”
I wasn’t built for this? His response didn’t bother me per se; it was the tone he said it in.
“I’m the one who decided to come here. And now I’m the one who’s deciding to go.”
He laughed.
“I don’t know what I expected, but this definitely wasn’t it. I thought you were tougher, Freckles. You didn’t flinch when you and Ronnie got into it. I sure didn’t think a couple of guys punching each other would do this to you.”
What he couldn’t see, as we stood there looking at each other, was the cold sweat coating my body, the soft tremors in my hands…
“I guess my bravery comes and goes,” I said, opening my palm so he’d hand me back my phone. But he kept toying with it, and his mind seemed elsewhere.
“I wanted to ask you. Where’d you learn to race like that?”
“Beginner’s luck. Phone, please.”
He grinned.
“You’ve got more secrets than I would have imagined, Freckles.” He stepped toward me, and I stepped away until my back touched the door of his car.
“We’ve all got secrets,” I said, quieter now.
“I should warn you, I’m a pretty good detective,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. I stopped him as best I could.
I woke from the spell he cast on me. My pulse started racing.
“Stay away from me, Nicholas,” I said, more serious than ever.
Discovering my past—that was the last thing I wanted. The mere thought of it made me panic. I’d always kept my demons in check—no one knew anything—but with just a wall between him and me, there were things that I wasn’t going to be able to hide. I hardly knew him, and already, he was unearthing things I never let anyone see.
“You want me to stay away from you? That’s not what your body seems to be saying…”
Damn him. Nobody had ever gotten to me like this before. Seeing him there before me, so big, so masculine, I felt like a cornered animal someone was getting ready to slaughter at any minute. And I didn’t like that, that sensation of feeling so small and vulnerable.
He placed a hand on either side of my head, almost like a cage.
“What are you so scared of?” he asked, his mouth close to mine, his breath heating up my face. His eyes were so blue, with bits of aquamarine in the pupils.
“I’m scared of you,” I whispered.
Nick grinned. Maybe he liked my answer. It was as if someone had tossed a jar of ice water over my head. I shoved him and got away from his grasp.
“Asshole,” I said. I couldn’t believe I’d been sincere with him.
“Why? Because I think it’s funny that you’re scared? That’s normal, Freckles. If you weren’t, it would have worried me.”
“I’m scared you’ll get me into trouble,” I lied, hoping he’d forget what I’d just said. I didn’t want him having that much power over me.
“I’ve got a talent for wriggling out of it. You don’t need to worry there.”
“That’s exactly it. I don’t want to worry. Now give me my phone so I can get out of here.”
Nicholas sighed, but his expression didn’t change.
“It’s too bad you’re so stiff. I thought you and I could have fun together.”
“There is no you and I… and there never will be.”
Twenty minutes later, Jenna had dropped me at home. I was breathing easy again, and I promised myself I wouldn’t fall into any more traps. Nicholas and I needed to keep our distance from each other.
* * *