“Care to take a break, Rina?”
I yelp when he picks me up and takes us to an armchair positioned to look out the windows. I should stop letting him manhandle me. I should put more boundaries in place so the warmth in my chest isn’t cultivated with these moments of softness. But I enjoy them too much.
“Careful,” I say as a real warning. “Or you’re going to make me think you missed me.”
He chuffs and doesn’t deny it. I sigh and sink into my place on his lap. With the warmth from the sun and him, the position is almost more decadent than the robes he gifted me.
“I blame my dragon,” he says after a moment. He rubs my back, and my nose brushes the hot skin of his neck. The intimacy of these moments make my breath catch even though I know they will never go anywhere.
I hum. “Has he been making your life difficult?”
His body softens. The hand not stroking my back pulls my body tighter against his. “Of course. He’d rather hold you all day than sit in boring meetings.”
I blow out a breath at the giddy flutter in my chest. “With those options, I don’t blame him.”
I sit up to run my fingers through his hair. The movement is innocent enough that I don’t stop myself, and Kalos’s eyes close in pleasure.
“Maybe you should stretch your wings if he’s causing you so many issues,” I say. “The baby is fine. I can do without you for at least a day before needing contact.”
His lips press together in displeasure. I predict the topic change before he opens his mouth.
“You are getting paid to work on terrifying paintings, correct?” he asks.
“I can stay in business,” I hedge. “And they aren’t all that scary.”
Kalos frowns. “Do you take that much joy from restoration?”
My shoulders draw up, and he runs his hand in circles on my back again, trying to disperse the tension there.
“I’m just curious, Rina. Is this your passion?”
Finally, I sigh. “What I do isn’t because of passion, and honestly, I don’t enjoy it. Some adore doing this work, but most of the time it’s tedious and boring.”
Kalos doesn’t start questioning me, he waits, letting the caress of his hand urge me on.
It takes a minute. I’ve never explained my reasons for what I do. It’s the dubious benefit of not having someone close enough to question your life choices, and I wouldn’t tell Nemo the real reason I started my business. The trees outside sway with a breeze, and I imagine I can hear the rustle of leaves.
“I stole a lot of things when I was a thief.” I keep my eyes on the world outside rather than watch Kalos’s face. “I always explained it away. That I was just surviving. It was me or them. That people didn’t really need the items that I took, so what if I profited? But it only pushed the guilt away. It didn’t stop it from coming back.”
I turn from the window. I can face Kalos. I’ve faced all of my past. I deserve to face him too, but his face doesn’t broadcast what he’s feeling. It makes what comes next harder and easier at the same time.
“Then one day, a woman tracked us down. I don’t know how. It must not have been legal enough to prove to the Council that we’d stolen from her because she never brought that up. She begged that we return the amulet that I’d taken. She said it was the last thing she had of her mother and that it would be the most precious thing that she’d leave for her daughter.”
I bite my lip before continuing. “I’d stolen her legacy.” Something I’d never have, and I’d taken it thoughtlessly. “And it didn’t feel like an us versus them. It felt like I’d ruined something special.”
I blink back the tears. They don’t mean anything. I wasn’t the victim in that situation.
“My mentor told her it was already sold, and we didn’t know the buyers. Which was true for me. She left us then, sobbing. I couldn’t put her face out of my mind.”
I swallow. “I felt sick. The whole time, there could have been people hurting just as much as that woman, and I caused that.”
“You stopped,” Kalos says. It’s not a question, but I nod anyway.
“I stopped.” I laugh bitterly. “My mentor was so upset. He told me I was too soft-hearted at first and then that I was ungrateful for all he’d done for me, but it didn’t change my decision.”
Kalos’s eyes narrow. I steer the conversation away from Nemo. Kalos clearly isn’t a fan of his.
“But I didn’t only stop. I couldn’t. I’d seen the consequences of my actions, and I couldn’t just look away.” I clear my throat. “My mentor keeps records, and for a criminal, his personal security is rather lax.”
Or he’d never thought I’d betray him. It’s amazing that he didn’t burn our connection when he’d found out what I’d done. “I tracked down who got the necklace and stole it back. I had it delivered to the original owner in as untraceable of a way as I could.”
I swallow, wanting Kalos to interrupt me so I can stop this exposing of my heart, but he doesn’t. “It didn’t end there. I’d known where some of the other items I’d stolen had ended up too and retrieved as many as I could.” That was more dangerous than all the jobs I’d done before since they’d ended up with people who worked with my kind. Kalos growls as if he knows that.
“But there’s still too many I couldn’t. The items that changed hands or could be directly connected to the guy I worked with. The paintings I’d replaced with forgeries that couldn’t be retrieved. So to offset what I’ve done, I started restoring. It’s a skill I have that adds good to the world rather than steal it away.” I shrug. “There are a lot of older families that have relics that need restoration that wouldn’t have been able to afford it.”
“How long have you been doing this?” Kalos asks.
“It’s been a few years now. The jobs I take from paying clients allows me to take on more pro-bono projects… I don’t know how else to make amends without turning myself into the Council.”
Kalos tightens his grip on my thigh.
“Oh, don’t worry,” I say, my voice cracking with humor. “I have no will to serve myself up to their dubious justice.”
“When does it stop, Rina?”
I blink in surprise. “When I don’t feel guilty anymore?”
His sigh rumbles out. “That isn’t how guilt or shame works. There will never be a moment where you’ve done enough to wash the memory of that woman from your mind. It will always hurt.”
My lower lip trembles. I don’t want what he’s saying to be true. I want there to be a day when I’m free of this malignant sensation in my chest.
“And you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he says gently. “The universe doesn't care about your stealing.”
“What?”