Oh fuck.
I always loved the way he looks at me, how he seems so in tune with me more than I’ll ever be in tune with myself.
But most of all, I love how he likes me when I couldn’t care less about my own existence.
“You feel so good, baby. I can be buried inside you for eternity, you know that?”
“Mmmfuck. It feels so full.” I lift myself up and then come down in shallow thrusts. “I missed your cock in me.”
“Holy fucking shit. From now on, I’m going to need you to be on whatever drug you’re on today.”
“That’s easy.” I pick up the pace, riding him in a long, unhurried rhythm, then I place a palm on his chest and flick my fingers on the lotus flower tattoo. “The drug in me is you.”
I can feel his cock thickening inside me as he curses. He jerks his hips up to meet my fall down, but he doesn’t rush the pace and lets me fuck myself on his cock slowly, enjoying every lick of desire and every roll of my hips to take him fully.
Every scrape of his piercings and every groan of pleasure breaks me apart little by little.
He can’t get deep enough or fuck me hard enough. He’s wrong. I don’t need drugs. I’m high on his smell, his touch, but most of all that look in his eyes.
It’s not lust. It’s love. He looks at me like he loves me, and that nearly makes me burst into both pleasure and tears.
He strokes his hand on my thigh and hips before he fists my cock and jerks me in the same rhythm I fuck him, slow and measured, as our eyes clash and my heart nearly spills out. If the beat beneath my fingers is of any indication, then his heart is also on the verge of exploding.
I realize with astounding clarity that I’m not fucking him. I’m making love to him.
He’s not only touching my body. He’s breaching my newly born heart and my bruised soul.
He pulls back the foreskin and teases my tip, using the precum to lube me up until the sloppy sounds echo in the air. He squeezes and teases my balls in the right places until I’m delirious.
“I love how you ride my cock, baby, but do you know what I love more?” He flashes me the most gorgeous smile. “You.”
I don’t even feel the wave until it submerges me. My balls tighten and the release rushes through me in powerful waves. My cum squirts all over his hand and abs as he thrusts deeper inside me, fucking me to oblivion through my orgasm.
“Fucking Christ, I love watching you come.” He growls before he fills me up with his cum.
I roll my hips, riding him until his cock deflates inside me, then I lift myself up and moan when I feel his cum dripping out of me.
Both of us watch it soaking his cock and balls before I fall as a heap all over his solid chest and bury my face in the crook of his neck.
We breathe heavily as I nuzzle my nose in his wet hair and he sandwiches my legs between his.
“Sorry…fuck.” I try to get up. “Am I crushing you?”
Nikolai wraps his arms around my waist and shoves me back down. “No way in fuck you’re moving right now.”
I chuckle against his neck. “I don’t think I can, to be honest.”
“Fuck right. That was the top-five fuck of my entire life.”
My throat works with a swallow as the pleasure haze slowly withers away. “What are your top four?”
“In no particular order. The first time I made you come. The first time I sucked you off. First time I fucked you. The second time I fucked you after you were all jealous. The first time you got on your knees for me. That time you jumped me as soon as I stepped into the penthouse and demanded I fuck you. The time you agreed to stay. The time you woke me up with your lips around my cock.”
“That’s more than four and they’re all about me.”
“You’re the best fuck of my life, baby.”
I lift myself up and cross my arms on his chest so that I’m looking at his handsome face and his glorious damp hair splaying on the pillow. “You want me to believe I’m better than all the men and women you fucked your way through?”
“They were only physical. They meant nothing.”
“And I do?”
“Baby, you mean fucking everything.”
My heart does that violent thud again and I’d swear he can feel it against his chest, but I don’t care enough to pull away from him.
I tease my fingers over his new tattoo, a sense of raging possessiveness engulfing me. “Good. Because you’re my property, Niko. You have the ink to prove it.”
“And you are mine,” he breathes out with the same intense possessiveness.
He drags my lips to his and we kiss for what seems like an eternity. Then I lift myself enough to retrieve some wet tissues to clean us up before I prop myself back up on his chest.
Nikolai spears his hand beneath his head and watches me with that permanent grin that I’m only privy to.
It slowly disappears and a frown appears on its behalf.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
He grabs my wrist and my breathing is cut off when he removes my watch. I don’t stop him, even though every fiber of my being demands I do.
My heart aches when he releases a puff of relief upon seeing I haven’t indulged in my self-destructing habits.
I expect him to let me go, but he strokes his thumb over the scarred skin, and the more he touches me, the harder it is to breathe.
My fucked-up head starts fogging up and I plunge headfirst into the inky lake of my mental state.
I try to pull my hand free, but Nikolai’s firm grip keeps it in place as he gauges my expression.
“Remember the part where you don’t get to hide from me anymore?”
“I don’t think now is a good time…”
He shakes his head and the words get stuck in my throat.
Nikolai’s touch turns softer and his voice becomes more gentle. “Tell me, baby. I just want to understand and help you. If you don’t speak to me, I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m fine—”
“What did I say about that fucking word?”
“I’m really okay now. I’m over it.”
“I’m not sure if you’re lying to me or yourself at this point.”
“Can’t you just let it go?”
“No, I can’t just let it go when it’s a huge part of who you are. Why can’t you tell me? Do you not trust me?”
“No, no, of course I do.” It’s because I trust him so much that I’m scared shitless about his reaction.
He’ll leave you when he knows what you’ve done. Everyone else will see you as the weakling you are.
I swallow past the lump in my throat as that voice hammers inside my head.
“Then why the fuck are you hiding from me?” His voice drips with frustration and I want to erase that, I want to protect him, especially from myself.
Because he shouldn’t love me. I’ll hurt him, even unintentionally, I know I will.
But I offer him something, just a little truth. “Remember when I told you I hate myself?”