My fingers pause in his hair. “What type of episodes?”
“High energy. Racing thoughts. Uncontainable need for more, more, and fucking more. I had it that day when I fought Kill and beat him to a pulp while you were flirting with Eva.”
“Her name is Ava and I was not flirting with her.” My mind goes back to that time, to when his eyes were red and he looked to be on edge. So I was right to think something was wrong. His gaze was empty and for a moment, I thought he didn’t see me.
“She was hugging you.”
“We’re childhood friends.”
“Still don’t like it.” He pouts like a fucking child and I have to stop myself from smiling at how adorable he looks. Jesus. He’s this big tattooed guy who’s larger than life and part of the mafia, but he still acts this way.
Around me.
Only me.
I glide my fingers through his hair, lingering in every spot a bit too long. “Back to the subject at hand, do those episodes happen often?”
“Not really. I have them under control.”
“You didn’t look that much in control that day.”
“That was because you were being an asshole.”
“Me? What do I have to do with it?”
He strokes his necklace. “Nothing.”
I want to probe some more, but he meets my gaze in the mirror. “Oh, right. I wanted to ask you something as well.”
“Hmm?”
“Why do you not like sex?”
My fingers freeze in his hair and I swallow as I meet his gaze. “What do you mean?”
“You said you don’t even like sex, but you do with me. Why didn’t you before?”
“Not all of us enjoy the activity.”
“Why not? Is it because you only did it with girls?”
God. I can’t believe he’s the first person I’m telling this. But he’s been so open with me, the least I can do is share something in return. I don’t like the rejected look in his eyes whenever I refuse to answer his questions.
“It’s not that. I never looked at a person, of any gender, and felt attracted to them or wanted to have sex with them. I never got hard by external stimuli unless I forced myself into the mood. The concept of being aroused due to seeing erotic images or watching people fucking is foreign to me. I never touched myself unless I needed to get myself hard for sex. Never liked porn or understood other men’s need to shag all the time. If it were up to me, I’d happily go celibate for years.”
I stop before I say ‘Or I would’ve in the past.’ I clearly missed his touch while we weren’t together.
The thought of being without it again triggers a queasy feeling at the base of my stomach.
“Baby, I don’t want to put a label on you since you hate that shit—I do, too, by the way—but that’s a bit ace. Uh, I mean asexual, if you’ve heard of that term.”
“I figured I am. Or I was. I don’t even know what I am anymore.”
“But…you did have sex.”
“Because it was expected, not because I wanted to. My releases were always a physical reaction that never affected me mentally. I just never enjoyed the act. It was more of a chore, really… Why are you smiling like a fool?”
“I just can’t help but feel proud that I made you enjoy the glorious act of fucking.”
“Shut up.” I turn off the hairdryer.
“You just needed a good fucking by yours truly.”
“Nikolai!”
He stands up and wraps his arms around my waist, then glides his fingers beneath the shirt to stroke my skin.
I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but I missed his clinginess.
“Bet if I kissed you a little bit, you’ll get in the mood right away. Want to test it?”
“No.”
“Baby, please?” He speaks against my lips and presses his chest to mine.
I breathe heavily even as I plant both hands on his chest. “We already went three rounds.”
“I can do ten. I can’t get enough of you. How about this? Let’s bet how many times I can make you come.”
“Don’t.”
“Your body and mouth sing a very different tune. Your push-and-pull game is spot on.” He darts out his tongue and licks my bottom lip and it trembles beneath his touch. “Did you play it with others before me?”
“No…” I’m surprised my voice comes out steady.
“Because you didn’t want them, but you want me?”
“Shut up.”
“Since when did you start to want me?” he whispers against my ear. “Was it when I pinned you down in the forest? Or was it after you sat on my lap?”
“You wish.”
“Mmm.” He bites on the shell of my ear and I let out a groan. “I love that I’m the only one who sees you like this, all hot and bothered and fucking mine.”
I sink my fingers in his silky strands and tug his head back so that I’m looking down on him. “You’re mine, not the other way around.”
“It’s not a competition. I can be yours while you’re mine.” He grins. “Love these sudden bursts of possessiveness, baby. You better not have had them with others.”
“Hypocritical much? You literally shag everyone.”
“Not everyone… Well, I’m open, I guess, but that was in the past. I’m no longer a manwhore, I swear on Kolya’s honor.”
I fist his hair tighter. “Who the hell is Kolya?”
“Hi, lotus flower.” He rubs his erection against mine. “My name is Kolya and I’m obsessed with your huge cock and beautiful ass.”
I burst out laughing. I can’t help it. “You named your dick?”
“Everyone does.”
“No, they don’t.”
“Yes, they do.”
“If you say so. Why Kolya?”
“That’s the Russian diminutive form of my name. No one but my grandpa and my dad’s side of the family uses it, though.”
“And how long has Kolya been active?”
“Since I was five?”
“Please don’t tell me you had sex at five.”
“No. I had my first gorgeous boner then. Didn’t go well with my mom and everyone in the house when I ran around naked showing it to everyone and pretending it was a gun.”
I chuckle. “Why can I imagine that?”
“You also think it was hilarious, right? I was seriously proud. Only Dad backed up my shenanigans.”
“He seems cool.”
“Coolest dad ever. Before I hit puberty, he sat me down and said, ‘You’re about to go on that adventure you’ve waited for since you were five. Now is the time you can actually use your dick as a gun. Do your thing, son. Just use protection and don’t make me a grandpa.’”
“How…did he take your sexuality? If you came out to them.” I pause. “If you don’t mind me asking?”
“I don’t mind any of your questions, baby. Seriously, stop being annoyingly British. To answer you, I didn’t have to come out. Mom and Dad walked in on me fucking a guy and kissing a girl at fifteen. They were shocked, but not in a judgmental way. Mom already felt I liked guys since I’d wink at them like I did girls. She just wasn’t sure. Dad…well, he was like, ‘Of course you would like the variety. It wouldn’t be you otherwise.’ Then he hugged me and whispered, ‘You better use protection and not make me a grandfather when I’m this young, motherfucker. I mean it.’ He’s effortlessly hilarious, my dad. Oh, he’s also British.”
“Really?”
“Well, he has a complicated family history and he definitely has Russian blood, but he was raised in the UK and speaks in your accent.”