“Even the glitz, glamour, and tits part?” Daniel actually smiled, slowly lowering his arms.
“Yes. I meant all of it. Remember, I fell in love with you while you were wearing a dress most of the time. But I was always aware of the person underneath.” James drew closer. “So yes, I need to say the words to you, so you know exactly how I feel. I love you, Daniel. I’m not sure I know or understand when it happened, but it did. I don’t have any answers as to what will occur when we go home and return to our lives. But I do know that I want you to be part of mine, and I want to be included in yours.”
Daniel shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Chicago is a long way from here, and things are very different there. I have commitments and a life that I don’t want to give up.” He cleared his throat and did something James hadn’t seen before: fidgeted and prevaricated. Daniel wasn’t the nervous type, at least as far as James knew. “It’s easy enough for you to think that everything is going to be just like it was here when we return, but it isn’t. Are you really prepared to be seen by not just your friends, but the people at work, with Lala on your arm?”
James opened his mouth and snapped it shut as he tried to answer the question. Honestly, it wasn’t something he had thought about before. Not that he was ashamed of Daniel in any way, but the notion hadn’t crossed his mind thus far. Probably like many things when it came to Daniel.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Now, hold it...” James interjected.
Daniel took another step back. “You don’t need to make any commitments now. What you said is sweet, and you don’t know how much I appreciated hearing it.” Daniel stroked his cheek. “But let’s not take things too far too fast.” His breath skittered, and James felt Daniel’s jitters roll off him in waves. “You just told your parents, and you’re going to have to deal with your sisters, and then the wedding and the reception, where you’re going to be the talk of the evening. Everything has changed for you.” He pulled his hand back. “That’s a lot to take in all at once, and it’s natural for you to want to hold on to anyone who might seem safe or known.” Daniel blinked. “You’re an amazing man, James, but you’ve been through a lot. You don’t need to make commitments in the heat of emotion that you may regret.”
James drew nearer, not ready to let Daniel just walk away. “Are you saying you don’t feel the same way? That you aren’t interested in even seeing if we’re a possibility?”
Now it was Daniel’s turn to hesitate, and James thanked god for it. He had half expected Daniel to tell him no immediately.
“I don’t know,” Daniel answered, and James had never known those words to feel so final and so harsh. He suddenly and clearly understood his own feelings, and to have Daniel hesitate hurt more than he’d thought it would.
“I need to dress and check some things on the internet about officiating today,” James explained as he passed Daniel on his way back to the bedroom.
Daniel followed, which wasn’t exactly ideal, since James had been hoping for a few minutes alone to try to deal with his disappointment.
Chapter Eighteen
Damn it all, Daniel thought as the bedroom door closed behind him. He knew he had hurt James, but what he’d said was the truth. With all the upheaval of the last few hours, it wasn’t fair for Daniel to hold James to some words said in haste and high emotion. He didn’t doubt that James was feeling some, maybe all, of what he’d said, but he had just come out to his family. That was a moment of real vulnerability, and Daniel wouldn’t take advantage of that. He didn’t know what he was going to do or what was going to happen when they got back to Chicago. It was just too soon. “I did some looking on the internet and a couple of ‘churches’ will ordain you right away.”
“Okay,” James answered quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I need to get my laptop so I can make that happen.”
Daniel sat down next to James. “It’s not that easy, though. The sites all say that before performing any service, you need to contact the local county clerk for instructions and to notify them that you are ordained and planning to perform marriages. There are registration forms that need to be completed.” He hated being the bearer of bad news.
“So you’re saying that I can’t do it. The clerk’s office isn’t open on a Saturday.” James hung his head a little lower. “Not that it would have made a difference, but I should have checked all that yesterday. I might...” He seemed so defeated. “What am I going to do? I promised Holly I would see that this worked out for her. I want this wedding to be the best possible, and instead I wrecked everything.” He hiccupped and groaned softly. “I should call her and see what she wants to do.”
“No,” Daniel said, taking a play from James’s book. He shifted on the bed. “We need to talk and we need to do it privately.”
James stood, reaching for the door. “I think you made yourself perfectly clear.”
Daniel smacked James on the ass, harder than he’d intended, but it got his attention. “Gran was on a farm when she was a girl. She told me once that the way to get a mule’s attention was to kick it. So, consider yourself kicked in the ass.”
“Excuse me? I heard what you said.”
“No, you heard what you thought I said.” He stood once again, hands on his hips. “I heard what you told your mother, and I know you believe it. And by the way, I will always, always remember hearing those words from you until the day I die.” He tapped his foot, growing agitated. “I don’t know what is going to happen once we’re back in Chicago. You said the same thing to your mother. Are you angry that I didn’t say that I loved you in return, so you and I could have one of those television commercial moments where we run across a field in flowing clothes and into each other’s arms?”
“I don’t want you to say anything that you don’t feel,” James countered.
Daniel sighed. “James, I don’t know what I feel right now. Everything has been so up and down. I love the time we spent alone together, and the person you’ve shown me is pretty awesome.” He closed the distance between them. “I think you’ve been through damned near hell in the last twenty-four hours.” Daniel wound his arms around James’s neck, glad he didn’t pull away. “Let’s just give this some time. That way you and I can have some distance.”
Daniel really wanted to tell James that he loved him too, but he couldn’t. Not right now. Daniel was pretty sure that the cop he had fooled in the theater with a dress and a figure had somehow wormed his way into his heart. The thought of going home and not seeing James again made his blood run cold. But he knew enough about James to know that if he told him how he felt, then James would feel obligated to him, even if all of this was just some emotional roller coaster that led to nowhere.