“Cora, nice to meet you. Are you Stella’s partner?”
“Partner?” Cora asks. “Ohhh, like her lover?” Cora starts giggling like a moron.
“No, she’s not,” I say.
“Oh, sorry. She just seemed like your type,” Ashley says offhandedly.
My dad clears his throat. “I wasn’t aware that you like women. Is this a new development?”
“What? No,” I nearly shout.
“We always thought she was into girls,” Ashley says.
“Who’s we?” I ask.
What is happening right now? Why is my sexual orientation a point of topic? And why is Ashley bringing it up? Not that it would be a bad thing to be gay. I envy lesbians at times, not having to deal with the disgusting intricacies of the male population. Is it too much to ask to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? You touch your private parts to pee, therefore WASH YOUR HANDS. The amount of times I’ve seen male teachers come out of the teachers’ lounge bathroom with dry hands is— “Kristin, Tiffany, and Madison,” Ashley answers, interrupting my thoughts. “We actually thought you and McKenna were a secret couple.”
“No.” I shake my head. “She was my best friend.”
“McKenna would spend the night often at our house,” Dad says, a raise to his brow.
“Because she was my best friend.”
“You’d giggle in the back of the bus on school trips.”
“Because she was my FRIEND!” I shout, drawing attention from the shop attendant.
“Well, it doesn’t matter.” Ashley waves me off. “I was just confused because your dad was telling me you’ve never been in a relationship, so I figured you were just hiding yourself.” Ashley touches me again on the arm and I swear if she does it again, I’ll— “It’s okay to be open with me. I’m going to be a big part of your life. I’m quite maternal. If you want to come out to me—”
“I have a boyfriend,” I shout, surprising Cora and myself.
“What? Since when?” Cora asks, taking a step back to look me up and down.
Christ, if only she could read a room.
Jaw clenched, I say, “Uh, we’ve been keeping it secret.”
“Oh my God, who is it?” Cora asks, completely oblivious.
I try to communicate to her without talking but we’re both too wasted to have any sort of mindreading communication translated so I say, “Uh, he’s, uh . . .” Think. Think, Stella. Who’s your boyfriend?
Chris Pine.
Chris Evans.
Chris Hemsworth.
No, no, no. Why is Chris in my head right now?
Think of a name.
Any name.
A man’s name . . .
“Romeo,” I say before I can stop myself.
Oh no.
“Shut . . . UP,” Cora shouts. “God, I knew it. I freaking knew it. I told Greer the other day you two were totally together and putting on a front.” She parades around the small space in the back of the store, fist-pumping the air with certainty. “I can’t wait to tell Greer and shove it in her face. This is fantastic. And he’s here, in Maui. Oh my God, are you two sneaking off to be with each other?”
“Uh, no, it’s not—”
“He’s here?” Ashley asks, jumping up and down, her boobs bobbing with her. “Oh my God, Donny, we need to meet him. Tomorrow night, let’s have dinner together.”
And this is why you don’t say a name people know.
Damn you, Mai Tais, we’re done.
You had your chance, and you didn’t play your cards right. It’s over between us.
“You know, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Oh, so you’re not really together then?” Ashley asks, a challenging glint in her eye.
And that right there, that one look, pushes me over the edge.
Something in me snaps.
Maybe it’s the athlete in me.
Maybe it’s the Mai Tais.
Maybe it’s my jealous breasts who wish they were as perky and nice as Ashley’s, but I up the ante on the delusional situation I seem to be in.
“Oh, we’re together. We, uh . . . we’re actually engaged too but we’re not saying anything since we’re here on our friends’ wedding trip.”
“You’re ENGAGED?” Cora brings her hands to her head in utter shock.
Ugh, how could I forget she was still here?
Ignoring Cora, I say, “So, yeah, happy and in love.”
“Stelly, I’m so happy for you,” Dad says in a warm tone as he scoops me up into a hug and presses a kiss to the top of my head like he used to when I was growing up. “This calls for celebration.” He holds my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “Tomorrow night, dinner. You, me, Ashley, and Romeo. I’ll text you the details.”
Ashley smiles at me. “I can’t wait.” And then she comes up to me and pulls me into a hug. “We’re going to have the best mother-daughter relationship.” When she lets go of me, she pinches my cheek and then steps away. Giving me a small once-over, she says, “And maybe while you’re here we can go shopping together, get you something more . . . modern?”
“That would make me very happy, seeing you two spend some time together.”
Over my dead and Mai Tai’d body.
Dad tips my chin up. “See you tomorrow.” And then with his hand to Ashley’s lower back, he guides her out of the souvenir shop.
Leaning against the wall with an open Pop-Tart package—when did she grab that?—Cora says, “Wow, just wow. Family reunion, two secret engagements, and no Fireball to skew our thoughts. What a night.”
I swat the Pop-Tart away and watch it hit the floor before looking into Cora’s eyes. “We’re not engaged, nor are we in a relationship, nor have we ever come close to touching each other. I just said that to save face.”
“What?” Cora whines. “Ugh, come on. You literally just peed all over my parade.”
“Ugh, you just had to escalate it with your oohing and ahhing.”
“I didn’t ooh and ahh, and why are you lying, anyway?”
“Uh, did you not happen to notice that my dad is engaged to a woman two years older than me? Or better yet, to a woman who was my archenemy in high school?”
Cora gasps. “Noooooo, really? Ooo, plot twist.”
“No, not plot twist. This is my life.”
Cora starts to giggle. Then snorts. Loudly. “How do you suppose you’re going to get the Master of Sneer to attend dinner with you?”
Shit.
Things I didn’t think through.
Ugh . . . crap.