“Okay.” I give him a squeeze, and then we join Dave and Ellie.
“Oh, wow, you look amazing,” Ellie says, pulling me into a hug. “You’re positively glowing in this dress.” I chose to wear a flowy dress just in case I’m supposed to be showing, which I’m not. “Isn’t she glowing, Dave?”
“She is,” Dave says with a sly smile. “She looks like a woman in love.” I nearly choke on my own saliva.
I cough a few times and Huxley rubs my back. “You okay?”
“Yeah, sorry.” I cough again. “Just swallowed wrong for a second.” I gather myself and smile at everyone. “Uh, so, are we going in?” I thumb toward the door awkwardly.
“Yes, I’m so excited. I heard the dolls are so lifelike in this class that they actually pee on you. Doesn’t that sound thrilling?”
Keeping my composure, I answer, “Oh yes. Very excited for that surprise.” About as excited as I was for the fake breastmilk to fly across my face.
Dave and Ellie walk in before us, and Huxley hangs back for a second, tugging on my hand. “Everything okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, everything is fine. Why?” I ask, pasting on a smile.
“Because you’re acting weird.”
“Am I?” I ask in a high-pitched tone. “I feel as though I’m normal.”
He studies me for a few beats before reaching for the door and opening it for me. Hand on my lower back, he guides me in to where Dave and Ellie are waiting for us. Ellie holds up a baby doll and says, “We got our baby. His name is Enoch. Isn’t he dreamy?”
Dreamy?
It’s a doll.
I really want to know what species Ellie is because there’s no way she’s human. Not even close to it. She’s an odd one.
“What a lovely baby,” I say. “Very . . . plasticky.”
Huxley tugs on my arm toward the registration desk. He lowers his mouth to my ear and in an amused tone, he asks, “Plasticky?”
I chuckle softly. “I don’t know how to compliment a fake baby.”
“Hello, who is the reservation under?” the receptionist asks.
“Mr. and Mrs. Cane,” Huxley says, shocking me.
“Ah, I have you right here. Let me go grab your baby and supplies.”
When she takes off, I turn to Huxley with an arched brow. “Mr. and Mrs. Cane?”
He smirks. “Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Uh . . . what?” I ask, about to choke on my saliva again.
He laughs and tugs me closer to him to place a kiss on the top of my head. “Your fear of being attached to me is making me feel like a god today.”
The receptionist comes back out and hands us a girl doll. “Her name is Judith. She’s a cranky one.”
Judith?
Are we taking care of a seventy-year-old?
I take the baby and glance down at it . . .
“Good Jesus,” I whisper. “She’s missing an eye.”
The receptionist nods. “Not all babies are perfect.”
“But this baby doesn’t look as though it was born like this, it looks as though it was mauled by a pack of coyotes.”
“More like a brothel of chihuahuas,” the receptionist says. “Judith has been through a lot, but I know you two will take great care of her.” The receptionist motions toward the room. “Hurry on in, the class will be starting soon.”
I tuck Judith in my arm and turn toward Ellie and Dave, who are cuddling Enoch as if he’s their own. Sorry, Judith, we probably won’t be having the same bond.
“She’s what nightmares are made of,” Huxley whispers in my ear.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if somehow she finds a way to hitch it back home with us and stare at us in the middle of the night while we’re sleeping.”
With his hand on my lower back, Huxley says, “If I look over my shoulder as I’m pounding into you and see her, I’m telling you right now, I’m going to leave you.”
I whisper back, “I don’t blame you.”
“Are you ready?” Dave asks, looking up from cooing at Enoch.
“We are,” I say, even though I have no idea what to expect or what Huxley got us into.
As a group, we walk into the room, which is filled with couples holding babies. At least ten other couples all hover over their baby stations. The only tables left are one in the back and one in the front.
“If you don’t get that back table, I’ll never suck your cock again,” I whisper to Huxley, who chuckles and moves forward in front of Dave.
Hands out, he says, “Ah, damn, looks as if we can’t sit next to each other. We’ll take this back table.”
“Oh, what a shame,” Ellie says, scanning the tables. “Well, might be for the best, I think our little Enoch is crushing on your one-eyed Judith.” Ellie winks and then takes off toward the front with Dave.
I glance up at Huxley and ask, “Do you think that was sarcastic? Do you think she was hating on Judith?”
“Does it matter? I thought you were terrified of Judith.”
“I am,” I say as we make our way to the back table. “But she’s ours to be terrified of, no one else’s.”
“I think you’re taking this baby thing too seriously.”
“Are you saying you’re not actually here to learn the ins and outs of taking care of an infant?” I ask him.
“I’m just hoping there’s some kind of snack break.” He glances around the room. “But I don’t see a snack table, so I’m guessing I’m out of luck.”
“Why do I like you?”
Leaning in toward me and talking closely to my ear, he says, “Because you can’t get enough of my cock.”
“If only that were the case,” I reply as the instructor walks into the room. Wait . . . “Is that Heaven?”
“Who’s Heaven?” Huxley asks.
“Uh, the lady who made me dry-hump you in front of a bunch of strangers.”
“Oh Jesus,” Huxley says, trying to get a better look at the instructor. “Fuck, I think it’s her. Thank God we’re in the back.”
“Welcome,” Heaven says, her voice booming through the speakers. “I’m so glad everyone could join us on this wonderful journey of getting to know your newborn. I see some familiar faces, and I’m sure I’ll see more as I make my way around the classroom to work with each of you individually.”
“Oh, great,” I mutter. “I’m sure she’s going to be focusing on us again.” I glance up at Huxley. “You owe me, Hanley.”
“I’m starting to realize that.”
“Now, please go ahead and turn on your babies. The switch is on their back. They’ll wake up, and we’ll get started.”
I flip Judith over and find her on switch. I move it to the right, turn her back over, and then with one eye, she blinks at me.
Blinks again.
And then . . . wails.
“Dear Christ,” I say, tossing her on the table, which only makes her wail even louder.
“What are you doing?” Huxley asks. “You’re drawing attention to us.”
“Not on purpose.”
“Why is she so loud?” he asks, picking her up by the leg.
“Because she has one eye and isn’t happy about life,” I answer while looking around. “I don’t think you should hold her like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like she’s a snake you found on the trail.” I nudge him. “She’s not going to bite. Coddle her.”
“Easy for you to say, she’s not staring at you with her one eye.” She wails even louder and Huxley grimaces. “Good fuck, what has possessed this thing?”
“It doesn’t like being held upside down like that,” I say.
“It doesn’t know. It’s not alive.”
“Says the man who’s scared of the blinking doll. No, I think it has a sensor. Hold it close to you.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t call Judith it, maybe that’s hurting her feelings.”
“Then hold Judith close to you,” I say as she screams even louder.
“Like to my chest?”
“Yes,” I say in exasperation. “Like an actual baby, Huxley.” Judith wails again, and I catch sight of Heaven walking toward us. “Oh shit, Heaven is coming in this direction. Quick, coddle her. Coddle her, damn it.”
“Ugh, okay.” Huxley brings Judith to his chest and holds her, but that doesn’t stop her wailing. “She’s still acting like a wretched crotch.”
“Then pat her.”
“Pat her?” he asks.