“What?” JP asks in disgust. “That’s like the best fucking part, making your girl come on your tongue.”
“That’s what I said, and she was asking for advice on how to give a good blow job.” I hold out my glass, and JP quickly pours some Scotch in it. “And I fucking told her how to give a good one. Right there, I told her everything, so now she’s over at her place, probably kneeling in front of Brian, the fucking douche, sucking his dick, because I’m the goddamn asshole who told her how to do it. Fuck!” I lean back in my chair and down the Scotch before setting the glass back down again.
“Wow, there’s a lot to unpack there,” JP says. “You really taught her how to give a good blow job? Why?”
“I don’t know, because I lost my mind. Because I can’t look her in the eyes and see the sadness Brian puts there. Because I couldn’t let her feel bad about herself when she’s clearly trying, and he’s not. So yeah, I told her how to please him, and now that they’re in her apartment, I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t listen to her pleasure him. There was no fucking way, when all I want is for her to be with me. I mean, Jesus Christ, I was doing fine,” I yell, thrusting my arm out. “I was doing perfectly fine, and then I saw her in that wedding dress, and it’s like . . . my world snapped, and I can’t stop spiraling. Why couldn’t I have figured this out a year ago? A month ago, anytime where there wasn’t a countdown to doomsday when she attached herself to another man who does not fucking deserve her? Not even close.”
“To be fair, Huxley and I have been telling you for years you like Lia,” JP says.
I glare at him while Kelsey says, “JP, that’s not helpful.”
“Wasn’t trying to be helpful, was trying to make a point, like I’ve been trying to make for years now.”
“You’re an asshole,” I say to him.
“How do you want me to respond?” JP asks, thrusting his arms out. “Do you want me to hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay? That we’ll always know you as the better man? News flash, man, she’s getting married. And if you don’t do something about it, then she’s going to go off with the douche, and you’re going to be left to die alone in your apartment.”
“Seriously, JP,” Kelsey groans. “You’re being rude.”
“I’m being real. If he wants her, then he needs to tell her.”
“No, he can’t,” Kelsey says, surprising me. “Trust me, if he just knocks on her door and tells her he loves her, she won’t take it well. He needs to continue to show her how he’s better.”
“That’s not working out for him. Lia is giving the other guy a blow job because my idiot brother taught her the tricks of the trade. Were you trying to turn her on? Were you trying to be all sexy-like?”
“Don’t fucking say sexy-like,” I say. “And it was a hot moment, okay? I saw her cheeks blush. I was showing her that I’m the kind of man who’d make her orgasm several times in one night, not stupid Brian.”
“And how did that work out for you?”
“Not fucking well,” I answer and press my fingers into my forehead. “I think Kelsey is right, though, I don’t think I can just tell her. I feel her questioning him, questioning herself. But fuck . . . she’s also the person who doesn’t like to give up. So she’ll do anything to make it work, and I bet that’s what she’s doing tonight. Maybe . . . maybe I can fake getting hurt or something.” I perk up. “Yeah, like, I can break a leg or something, and then you guys can call her and tell her I’m in the hospital, and that will drag her away from Brian tonight, and she won’t give him a blow job.”
“Are you hearing yourself right now?”
“I am.” I stand from my chair now to pace the kitchen. “This is a great idea because it will gather me sympathy, and she’ll want to take care of me of course because that’s who she is, and when she’s taking care of me, I can move in more, steal her from Brian. This is genius.”
“This is stupid because if you break your leg, how the hell are you supposed to run away when Brian finds out what you did? The guy might be a douche, but that man has simmering rage, and I think he could be a good fight,” JP says.
“Uh, besides all of that, breaking a leg is not the way to get the girl,” Kelsey says. “God, you guys are such idiots.”
“Breaking my leg is the best idea so far. What else should I do? Oh!” I snap my fingers. “I can tell her I got food poisoning from the Bloody Mary.”
“The fuck you will,” JP says. “Don’t fucking taint me for your own benefit.”
“That’s the only thing I had that she didn’t, and food poisoning will drag her away from Brian.”
“Uh-huh, and how do you suppose you throw up in front of her?” JP asks.
I glance around the kitchen. “Have any raw chicken?”
“For God’s sake,” Kelsey says, rising from her chair. She takes me by the arm and sits me down. Her hands rest on my shoulders as she stares me in the eyes. “You’re not going to do anything tonight—”
“But—”
“If she happens to give him a blow job, then so be it. That’s the price you pay for trying to show her how you enjoy one. But what you need to remember is that she heard everything you said. She listened intently, and if I know Lia like I think I do, that will stick in her mind. Every time she looks at you, she’s going to think about how you like to be sucked, how you like to be between a female’s legs, and how easily you can please a woman. She will remember that, and that’s the new foundation you work off.”
“Babe, seriously, keep talking like that and we’re going upstairs.”
Kelsey glances up at JP and says, “Unless you start being helpful to your brother, who clearly is in agony, then I won’t be going upstairs anytime soon. He loves her, JP, and he deserves to be with her.” She turns her attention back to me and continues, “This is go-time, Breaker. Forget about what happens between Brian and Lia. Act like he never came home and charge forward. Trust me, we spoke about you in our little girls’ gathering, and there’s intrigue there, and it’s not best friend intrigue. I think you have a chance, but you need to do this right. Brian will falter. He already has, so be patient.”
“I have four weeks,” I say in desperation.
“She will break before that, trust me. Between you and Brian, you have the history, the sex appeal, and the ability to make her happy. She’ll see that quickly. Brian is a blip. You are forever.”
“Babe.” JP clutches his chest. “Damn, that was sweet.”
“That was sweet,” I say.
“You’re making my heart all aflutter,” JP adds. “And naturally, my dick hard.”
Jesus.
Ignoring my brother, I ask, “You really think Lia and I are forever?”
“If anything, Breaker, I love love, and I would never mess with that. I truly believe you and Lia are soulmates. I’m just glad you’re seeing it now.”
“Okay.” I nod. “So what do I do now?”
“Well, when I was spiraling, I decided to donate money to make me feel better,” JP says. “I know of a great pigeon rescue that could use another donor.”
I look him dead in the eyes and say, “I’m not feeding into your pigeon obsession. You can fuck off with that.”