“Yes,” I say quietly, even if he doesn’t get it. Maybe it’s from watching my parents as I grew up, but I just feel there needs to be a deeper connection. I want him to be able to guess what I’m going to say next. I want him to be able to understand me without even having to talk, and I don’t think we have that. “But . . . do you know everything about me?” I ask.
“Of course I do,” he says. “And what I don’t know, I’ll spend the rest of our lives finding out. Getting married to someone doesn’t mean you know a list of facts about your partner like some reality trivia game. I’m marrying you because you make me happy, because I can’t imagine a day when I don’t think about you in my life, and because I love you, Lia. I’m not marrying you because I happen to know what you like to order from the sandwich shop around the corner or because you can telepathically answer a stupid Password question. Those are all menial things when it comes to getting married. It doesn’t matter.” He moves his hand to my heart. “This matters. Our love matters.”
I hear the words he’s saying.
I’m nodding as I listen.
And when he curls into me, spooning me from behind so we both can get some sleep, I go along with it because I can’t do anything else to stop the sensation of feeling empty inside.
“Lia, hey,” I hear a voice say just as I enter Morning Perk for a quick coffee before heading to the dress shop.
I turn to the right just in time to catch Birdy approaching.
Great, just what I need.
Ever since my fight with Breaker, I haven’t felt like myself. I’ve been going through the motions of work, talking with Brian, even answering some emails from The Beave, and just saying yes to whatever asinine plan she presents. At this point, I don’t care.
I haven’t heard from Breaker since the fight, which in our world feels like decades.
I’m sad.
Depressed.
I miss my parents. God, I wish my mom was here. I wish I could ask her if Brian is right. If it took years for Dad to understand all her idiosyncrasies. If what Breaker and I have took years and is only good because we’ve had a decade together, and that I need to be confident that things will eventually click with Brian. “Those are all menial things when it comes to getting married. It doesn’t matter. Our love matters.” Is he right? I. Don’t. Know. My mom would know.
I really wish I could crawl into a hole and not deal with any of this. I just feel so . . . fragile, and that’s never a word I’ve associated with myself.
But right now? Birdy.
“Hey, Birdy,” I say, trying to tack on a smile.
“Oh wow, your hair looks so shiny,” she says while touching the ends. “It’s beautiful.”
“Oh, thanks. I went to the salon around the corner and got it blown out. I’m trying on dresses today, and my soon-to-be mother-in-law told me to make sure my hair resembled what I wanted on my wedding day.”
“Beautiful,” Birdy says, and I can’t tell if she’s genuine or not. “Is your color natural?”
“Yes,” I say. “My dad descended from a long line of redheads.”
“I’m jealous.” She smiles brightly, and God, she really is just perfect, isn’t she? Great smile, bright blue eyes, and a perfect body. No wonder Breaker has been hanging out with her a lot. “So you headed over to the dress shop now?”
“Yes, I’m just going to grab some coffee first because I’ll need some caffeine to get through this shopping trip.”
Confused, Birdy asks, “Shouldn’t shopping for a wedding dress be fun?”
It should be when you’re not fighting with your best friend.
“My future mother-in-law can be difficult.” I leave it at that.
“Well, she shouldn’t have a say in it, but that’s just my opinion. Anyway, I won’t keep you from your appointment. I just wanted to say hi and thank you and Brian for setting me up with Breaker.” She clutches her hands at her chest. “He’s amazing. I don’t know how he’s still single, but I lucked out, because he’s everything I could ask for in a man.” She leans forward and elbows me as if we’re close comrades. News flash: we are not. “And quite the kisser. Oh my God.”
Things I don’t need to hear right now.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it,” I say with a big smile that is as fake as fake can be.
“Okay, have fun. I’m going to meet up with Breaker right now.” She twiddles her fingers at me as my heart sinks down to the floor.
“Yeah, bye,” I say as I turn toward the line, my breath picking up. He’s meeting up with her right now?
I know I told him not to bother showing up for the dress shopping, but he really isn’t going to be there?
No one is going to be there besides The Beave.
Is that what my life has come to? I don’t have any other friends?
I don’t have any other support?
All I have is Brian and his mother?
Once again, tears well in my eyes, but I don’t let them fall, not here, not in the coffee shop. I make quick work of ordering myself a coffee, and thankfully, they’re quick to deliver. With coffee in hand, I decide to walk to the bridal shop, which is a few blocks down. No need to drive.
As I head down the street, I clutch my coffee close to my chest and let out a deep breath.
Mom was supposed to be here today, and she’s not.
I’ve isolated myself so much after their deaths that I’ve slowly lost any other friendships I had besides Breaker because he was the one who held me when I cried. He distracted me when I was feeling sad. He kept me moving forward.
And now that we’re not talking and in a weird place, I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life.
When I reach the bridal shop, I hold my breath, waiting to see any sign of Breaker, but as I draw closer, all I can see through the windows is The Beave, pulling dresses for me to try on.
For a moment, the thought of running away crosses my mind. Taking off and just . . . leaving. Fleeing, getting away from all of this, but as the thought comes, it quickly washes away because that will do nothing to solve the problem. It will only trigger it more.
So with a cup of coffee in hand, a fake smile on my face, I walk through the doors of the bridal shop.
“Ah, there she is,” The Beave says when she spots me. “My dear, look at your hair.” Here come the insults. “It’s so lovely.” She walks up to me and strokes the long strands. “I would prefer you have an updo for the wedding, but this is quite appealing.”
Color me shocked. Was not expecting that, and even though it was nice to avoid any snark, scowl, or insult from my future mother-in-law, it does nothing to curb my morose mood.
“Thank you,” I say and then glance around the empty bridal shop. “Are we the only ones here?”
“Oh, I blocked off the shop for us so we won’t be disturbed by any other people searching for a dress. I thought having the shop to ourselves could ensure we stay focused on what we’re looking for.”
We . . . funny how she uses that term about my dress.
“We do have at least three to find,” she adds.
Oh, I forgot about that.
“Yes, a lot of shopping to do,” I say as I look around one more time, just in case Breaker is here and I missed him.
“Now, where is Breaker so we can get started?” she asks.
Well, that confirms it. He’s not here. Another dose of anxiety and depression rips through me.