I remember one night when I was seven, lying in my bed, scared and confused, listening to my parents fighting. They always fought, but that particular night it was so loud that I could even make out actual words: my father yelling that he was leaving, and my mom screaming that he should stop threatening and just get the hell out already.
I was young enough then that hearing my mother say “hell” shocked me and made tears spring to my eyes.
After hours of turning over and over in my bed, my door creaked open and Nina crept in. It must have been right around midnight. I remember the way she looked, standing there in her pajamas, backlit by my night-light. Without saying anything, she took my hand and led me out into the hallway, then into the bathroom and shut the door behind us. She flipped on the lights. She was wearing her fluffy orange earmuffs, and she was holding my green ones in her hand. She put them over my ears and then she turned on the shower. But my parents’ shouts were so loud that we could still hear them, over all of that, we could still hear them.
So then with her earmuffs on, the water pounding against the bath mat, she turned toward me and began to sing:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOOOOOU
It was late September and my birthday was in February, but Nina had always said “Happy Birthday” was the best song in the world because it was the only song everyone would sing just for you. And even if it wasn’t for you, if you were hearing it you’d probably get to eat some cake soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR BELLLYYYYYYYYYY…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOUUUUUU
She grinned at me and then started again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR BELLYYYYYYYYY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUUUUU
I remember feeling the confusion and sadness lifting.
And then she started a third time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOOOOOUUUU
By the time I joined in, I was smiling, too, and the world was starting to make sense again. So my parents were crazy. So what? It didn’t matter because I had a big sister, a big sister ! And she would take care of everything, just like she always did.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR NIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAA HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOUUUUUUU
We sang as loud as we could, for all we were worth, while the bathroom filled up with steam.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOOOOOOU
We sang it over and over and over until our voices were hoarse and the fibers on our earmuffs were wet with the steam. Over and over and over and over, smiling at each other the entire time.
After what felt like the millionth verse, we finally stopped to catch our breath. We could no longer hear any screaming. Nina opened the bathroom door a crack just to make sure. The cool air rushed in and steam escaped out into the dark silent hallway.
But Nina just looked at me then and grinned and closed the door. And we just kept on singing.
Thirty-two
I am outside of my body now, watching as Ellie, who has just found out her sister is not alive anymore, sits back up and wipes the vomit off her chin.
This is how Ellie reacts when she finds out her sister is dead: She screams for a while and then she barfs on the pavement.
Ellie wants to ask questions, but it is hard at this particular moment for her to remember what words are and how to form them with her mouth. She closes her eyes until eventually a word drips down from her brain and pops out her mouth.
“How?” Is this the word she meant?
Sean reaches out and puts his hands on Ellie’s shoulders. She can’t even feel it. “Are you sure you want to hear this right now?”
Ellie says, “Yes.”