Randall couldn’t sleep. Hands laced behind his head, he lay on his back and stared into the fire. Learning Addison had been a virgin completely unnerved him. He knew her first sexual experience was something she wouldn't take lightly. But he also knew that if she wanted something more, he was not the man for the job.
He cursed himself a dozen different ways for sleeping with a young woman when he had absolutely no. intention of sticking around. Christ, he couldn't believe she'd been a virgin. He couldn't believe she'd given him such a precious gift at a time in his life when he couldn't let it mean anything to him. When he couldn't let it mean a goddamn thing to either of them. She deserved better.
He felt like a son of a bitch for letting her settle for him.
The cold hard fact that he was going back to Washington, D.C. in a few weeks loomed hugely. He knew he should have told her by now. He should never have let things go this far. But, sweet Christ, she'd caught him off guard. One kiss and his willpower had shattered. He hadn't expected to get sucked in over his head. He hadn't expected it to matter so damn much. Not to her. Certainly not to him. But, as usual, he'd fucked it up. The gravity of the situation floored him. That he'd been her first awed him. The repercussions sent the sharp scrape of panic up his spine.
This wasn't casual for her. She wasn't impulsive and she sure as hell wasn't the kind of woman who did something like this on a whim. Not Addison with her open heart and naive view of the world. She might believe otherwise, but she didn't know what kind of a man he was. She couldn't understand the darkness in his mind, or the shadow that lay over his heart. He damn well wasn't going to drag her down with him just because he liked having sex with her.
Randall knew what he had to do, knew he was going to have to look into her clear brown eyes and tell her this didn't mean anything to him. That it couldn't mean anything to her. It was going to kill him to hurt her. His only consolation was knowing that in the long run it would be best for both of them.
Shifting slightly, he turned his head and looked at her and felt that odd sensation of free-falling that gripped him every time he got close to her. She was lovely and kind and far too smart to get mixed up with him. Too bad she was listening to that soft heart of hers instead of her head.
He gazed at her, drinking in her beauty, starkly aware of her hair-brushing against his shoulder. He breathed in the sweetness of her woman's scent, felt it go straight to his head until he was dizzy. The fire crackled, painting the delicate flesh of her face golden, like cream flecked with gold. He lowered his arm to nudge her awake, but she snuggled closer.
"Hey, Addison. You awake?"
Her eyes fluttered. "Hey to you, too."
When she stretched languidly and smiled up at him, his heart did a slow roll in his chest. He stared at her, unable to speak, unsettled, and a hell of a lot more troubled than he wanted to admit.
She'd gotten to him, he realized with a start. Somehow she'd managed to break through his barriers. And for his own peace of mind, he had to set the record straight before it was too late for both of them.
"Still snowing outside?" she asked, raising up on her elbows.
"The wind let up. That's a good sign."
"Oh." Tilting her head, she looked at him closely. "You look ... troubled. Is everything all right?"
He wanted to smile, but he couldn't. He couldn't be with her like this and know he was going to hurt her. When she touched his arm, he turned away to stare into the fire. When his back was to her, he closed his eyes and spoke. "My leave is up in a few weeks," he said softly.
Next to him, he felt her stiffen. "What do you mean?"
He turned, saw the wariness flood her gaze. "I mean, I'm going back to D.C."
She blinked at him. He didn't miss the quick flash of hurt, had to steel himself against it. "When?"
"In a couple of weeks. I should have told you."
"Yes, you should have. I wouldn't have ..." Her voice trailed.
"Slept with me?"
Tugging the afghan up to her chin, she tried to rise.
He stopped her. "Addison, don't—"
She shook off his hand. "Don't what? Feel ... used?"
The anger came with surprising force. "That's not the way it was."
"It just feels that way."
"I didn't mean to complicate things."
"Well, you did a really good job of it."
Dammit, he hadn't wanted to hurt her. She didn't deserve to be hurt. She certainly didn't deserve to get emotionally entangled with a man who had every intention of walking out on her.