I watched my friends comforting each other, their eyes shining with tears, their smiles tentative in the winter sun. I knew how much they’d miss me—that they’d all carry that sorrow for a long time, deep
in their hearts. But they would be all right. They would live, and thrive, and remember me with love, and eventually, they would let go of me, the way the living always had to let go of the dead.
Then I saw something that wrenched my heart in my chest.
Thayer, hands in his pockets, lingered off to the side. Alone. And watching Emma.
36
YOURS FOREVER
Thayer stood slightly apart from the crowd, leaning against the low white wall that surrounded the church’s property. He’d come in a perfectly tailored Burberry sport coat and slacks, no tie. His dark hair
fell down over one eye, and his hands were shoved deep in his pockets. When he saw Emma approach, he raised his hand a little.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she replied. Silence drifted down between them. She watched Garrett join Celeste and Louisa, wiping tears from his eyes. Grandma Mercer had stepped down from the church, Mr. Mercer at her arm. Laurel
walked swiftly to her side and took her other arm, murmuring in her ear.
A few feet from Emma and Thayer, a pair of mourning doves perched together in a cactus. They cooed softly at each other, back and forth, like they were deep in conversation.
“How is it the thorns don’t hurt them?” Thayer asked abruptly.
Emma cocked her head questioningly. He nodded at the birds.
“I guess because they’re so light,” Emma said. She swallowed, trying to push down the lump in her throat. “Thayer, I am so, so sorry.”
Slowly he drew his gaze toward her. His hazel eyes were pained but clear. “I’m not mad at you, Emma.” He gazed down into her face for a long moment, then looked quickly away. “It’s just . . . You look
just like her. Even knowing everything, there’s a part of me that wants to kiss you.”
“But it’d be all wrong,” Emma said. She smiled sadly. “I’m not Sutton. I wasn’t even a very good stand-in.”
He laughed softly, one cheek’s perfect dimple revealing itself. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’re not her. But you’re pretty amazing.”
He drew his wallet out of his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of computer paper. As soon as I saw it, I knew what it was. A tendril of electricity connected me to that letter.
“The cops gave me this,” he said, staring down at the note. “They found it on her phone. I guess Ethan must have tried to delete it, but their forensics guy retrieved it from the SD card. She wrote it,
that night in the canyon, and saved it as a draft in our secret e-mail account. I think—I think she wouldn’t mind if you read it.”
Emma’s throat felt constricted as she took the note in her hands. Carefully, she unfolded it.
Dear Thayer,
I am still processing everything that’s happened to me tonight. I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down. But all this uncertainty has made one thing clear: I love you. I love you so crazy
much, Thayer, and I want to be with you.
I know I’ve done a lot to hurt you. I don’t want it to be that way anymore. Wherever you’ve been, I don’t care. I’m not mad. You can tell me when you’re ready to—but it won’t make any difference to
me. You’re the only one for me. I know this kind of love comes along once in a lifetime. I’m not going to let it go.
Yours forever,
Sutton
Tears welled up in Emma’s eyes. She wiped one away quickly before it could fall and stain the note. She looked up to see Thayer, a haunted, aching look in his hazel eyes.
“All those weeks when she suddenly wasn’t e-mailing me anymore, I was so confused,” he said, his voice breaking. “I thought we were over. I thought that the things I said to her that night in the canyon
had made her hate me. And all that time, she was . . . gone.”
“Not gone,” I murmured. “I’m still here. Still missing you so much.”
“You couldn’t have known,” Emma said. “Ethan covered his tracks too well.”
“Ethan.” Thayer’s face darkened. “I owe that guy a few times over.”
“Well, he’s getting what he deserves.” Emma’s voice was steady, but even as she spoke she felt the cold that crept up around her heart every time she thought of him. Thayer blinked away his scowl, looking
at her with concern.
“Are you okay?” he asked, leaning slightly toward her. She suddenly remembered that night at Char’s party, when Thayer had asked her the same question.
Don’t I look okay? she had teased.
And Thayer had said, You look perfect, as always. I asked how you felt.
Thayer, always so perceptive. She sighed. He seemed to see right through her, just the way he’d always seen through Sutton.
“I keep telling everyone I’m okay. But the truth is, I’m not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay.” Her voice broke for a moment, and she paused. “I’m just glad it’s all over. Until now I was so scared
I couldn’t really grieve for her.”
Thayer reached out and hugged her close.