Maybe she’d just been waiting, in suspended animation, for the official ruling of death. Maybe her subconscious was doing its level best to protect her, to keep her from harm, and it somehow knew there had finally been a last line written in the book of Josh and Aubrey.
She struggled against the rising tide of fear and relief that coursed through her brain. For five years the thought of Josh had been an open wound, one that Aubrey touched nearly every day, ripping off the meager scab so she could feel the pain fresh and anew. Yet somehow, some way, when Daisy gave her the letter, things had suddenly felt different.
It’s you who are different, Aubrey. You’ve finally come to terms with his loss.
The realization hit her hard. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. All she knew was she needed to say good-bye properly. It was time. It was finally time.
The sun was just beginning to slide toward the horizon. She propelled herself back to the house, to her haven, her refuge. She’d sweated out all the booze and bad feelings, was left with the euphoria she always felt when she finished a run. It was a high—no different than the one she got from the consumption of alcohol or the ingestion of drugs, just comprised of natural endorphins instead of chemical ones—and her mood was suitably lightened.
She put Winston out in the backyard, then mounted the stairs to her office. That was a rather grand term for the room; it was a large closet she’d converted, just big enough for a small desk, a chair, and a computer. No storage, no shelves. Very minimalist. But it served its purpose: it was a sanctuary for her thoughts to run free.
With a deep breath, she pulled up her email and hit Compose.
The blank square popped up. She stared at the empty subject line. Normally she didn’t bother with a subject—these were pro forma emails—but she felt compelled to type a single word into this one:
Good-bye.
Dear Josh,
It is official. The letter has come from the state, and the judge on your case has declared you dead. Your mother took it well, as you can imagine. She will now fight to get the money from your estate, and honestly, I am fine with that. She needs that sense of control, of possession, and if it makes her feel better, so be it. You know money has never been important to me.
But something has happened to me as well. As if that letter unshackled me, and I didn’t know I’d been chained to the floor with metal and locks.
Do you remember the first time I went away? The morning after we’d lost our virginity? Your mother came home and caught us naked in the living room and called the police? They came to Sandy’s house to arrest me for breaking and entering, trespassing, the works. When they put the cuffs on my wrists, I felt like an animal in a cage, one whose sole purpose was entertainment. They laughed at me when I freaked out. I will never forget that—the sun rising in the background, being in the back of the car, Tyler banging on the window to have them let me out, Sandy standing on the porch, so disappointed, with the ring in her hand to give to them, and I got claustrophobic in the hot backseat and started to hyperventilate. I thought my heart was going to break out of my chest. A full-blown panic attack. And they just laughed, pulled away from the curb, and told me to shut up. And they ended up shipping me to that place . . .
Josh, that’s how I’ve felt every day since you disappeared. I’ve been in a cage, panicked, desperate to find you, to figure out what happened. And suddenly, when the letter came, a peace filled me. The responsibility was taken from me. Someone else had made the decision for me.
You will always be my first and best love. I wouldn’t have survived my childhood if you hadn’t reached out to me, loved me, made me yours. But now it is time for me to say good-bye. To move forward with my life. To try and have the life you wanted for me. Without you by my side, it will not mean as much. But I’m going to try, Josh. I’m going to try.
I love you, darling. I always will.
Aubrey
She was sobbing as she typed in her name and hit Send. Before she could change her mind, she hit Print, exported the Send folder and wiped the email account clean. She went to Gmail, created a new account, and sent out a message from her old Yahoo account with her new email address. She closed the Yahoo account, sent them a follow-up email requesting that the account be disabled, and repeated the process with Josh’s address.
She logged out of the computer, deleted the bookmark, and breathed out a huge sigh. The tears stopped. She wiped her eyes and sat back in her chair.
She should have closed his email much sooner than this. That last tangible link to him, to his world, had been keeping her from seeing her future. She had finally, finally done the right thing. It was time to move on.
Aubrey suddenly found she was hungry. She decided to call Meghan and ask her to meet at Sam’s. They could have some food, some drinks, a laugh or two. They could talk about Chase, and what he might hold in store for her. They would talk about everything, everything but Aubrey’s dead husband.
CHAPTER 16