“Josh wouldn’t know the first thing about doing anything illegal. You knew him. He wouldn’t even bet on a football game. Good God, listen to yourself.”
“You honestly think—Jesus, Aubrey! When will you see he wasn’t the man you thought he was?”
“Fuck you, Tyler. He was twice the man you’ll ever be.”
He flinched away from her. Her words had always been sharp.
“Tyler—”
His voice was deadly quiet. “You’re from the gutter, Aubrey, just like me, and don’t you ever forget it.”
He stormed from the room. She heard him fling open the front door. Moments later, the engine of the Camry came to life with a roar.
She went to the front door and closed it softly. Leaned back against it.
“Damn.”
Tyler had always been a mess. He’d gotten himself involved in drugs, and ran with a gang of boys whose sole purpose in life was to get into trouble. That same gang of boys grew up and turned into a tight-knit group of serious troublemakers who ran drugs for a branch of the Dixie Mafia.
She didn’t want to know the things Tyler had done. Thirty--one—the same age Josh would be if he’d lived—and he’d been in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, so many times that she couldn’t keep track.
She knew this wasn’t the life he wanted. He’d fallen into it and hadn’t had the energy, or desire, to extricate himself. Or the love. If someone would just love him properly, he might find his way again.
That’s your fault, Aubrey. You know it is. You created him.
She shook off the thought and tried to focus on what he’d told her before he stormed out instead.
He’d always hated Josh, and she’d never fully understood why. Oh, she got it; Tyler had a thing about people he perceived as “better” than him, and he liked to play the role of the protective older brother. Hurt her and I’ll hurt you, those sorts of empty threats.
Except for when the threats weren’t empty.
She’d been attracted to Josh because he was Tyler’s opposite, in every way. Where Tyler was brash and hurtful, Josh was kind and generous. Tyler had little use for morality; Josh spent years trying to teach Aubrey the right way to do things. Tyler was horribly jealous of Josh’s goodness, seeing something inside Josh he would never possess.
Josh was a good man. Decent through and through. Even as a child he’d been gallant and honest and implacable, a source of strength, of honor. He’d grown into a man who wanted nothing more than to help people, which was why he was training to be a doctor.
She was well aware of her tendency to make Josh out to be perfect, a hero even. Her therapist had chided her when Aubrey started to immortalize him and his selflessness.
No one is perfect, Aubrey. One day, you’ll start to remember Josh’s faults, too.
Yes, Josh had a fault.
He’d died.
Dear Josh,
Did I ever tell you that I see my death? It’s nothing concrete, more of an overwhelming moment of imagination, like a dream, but I’m awake. Sometimes it’s a plane spiraling down to earth. Other times it’s a wave crashing over my head. The riptide pulls me out to sea, tumbling me against the sand until I open my mouth and scream water into my lungs. Sometimes it’s a tree on the side of the road, and my car flies into it and my head cracks against the windshield and everything goes black. Sometimes, it’s the handful of pills I want to take.
Oh, Josh, I can’t go on like this. I miss you too much. We were supposed to be in this together. I know you’re dead, but my mind can’t believe that you’re really gone. If I could just know for sure, I’d be able to make a decision about what to do next. But we’re caught in this limbo, between the worlds, where you’ve disappeared and, frankly, so have I.
Always,
Aubrey
CHAPTER 14
Aubrey
Today
After Tyler’s Camry backfired its way away from the curb, Aubrey felt her hands begin to shake, the anger coming in waves. Damn that man. He was forever forcing himself into her life, through coercion or intimidation or manipulation, whatever it took. Why wouldn’t he just go away? He reminded her of the worst parts of her world, the parts she spent so much time locking away, screwing them down into the farthest bit of her soul so she wouldn’t ever have to think about them.
Tyler must have been desperate to rush over when he got out of jail and claim he’d overheard Josh had been wrapped up in something bad. Trying to hurt her, to punish her for gaining her freedom when his was wrenched from him, or leverage the information for something. He was trying to drag her into his unhappiness again. Tyler’s morass was all-encompassing.
Aubrey felt the rabbit hole closing in on her, so she did the only thing she knew to do. She took an Ativan and put on her running shoes.
One foot in front of the other. Again and again and again and again.