He gestured for her to sit down again, then sat opposite, putting the cards spread out on the table back into their pack.
‘His mother and I separated a number of years ago. It was before I joined the force. We were very young. I was very young.’ He placed his hands, palms down, on the table, his fingers spreadeagled. ‘I could say a lot of things, Kate, but none of them would matter, except that I was stupid and selfish.’
‘Do you ever speak to him, your son?’
‘I made contact with him after I was placed on suspension.’ He leaned back in the chair, this time pushing his fingers through his hair, as if he was trying to think clearly. For the first time, Kate noticed how tired he looked.
‘He didn’t want to know me. I thought time would help, but I’m afraid I screwed up big-time. I wasn’t there when he needed me.’ He kicked the leg of the table nearest to him. ‘I fucked up.’
Kate thought about Charlie, how things had become difficult now it was obvious she and Declan would never get back together. Even at six years of age, Charlie carried his own baggage – Why is Daddy not living with us any more? Does he not love us? No amount of explanations could help him understand the why behind the three of them not being together.
‘We all mess up, Adam. Is it okay if I call you that?’
‘It’s my name.’
‘How come you stopped using it?’
‘I couldn’t bear to hear it. Every time someone said it, it was a reminder …’ He looked at the photograph and away from her.
‘I understand.’
‘Do you, Kate? Because I sure as hell don’t.’
‘What about his mother? Do you two talk?’
‘She is solid. She always was. She isn’t the kind to hold a grudge, but she’s told me not to expect miracles.’
Kate placed her right hand on his arm, not knowing what to say next. Looking at him, she wasn’t sure if she saw anger, hate or confusion. Again, she waited. If she had learned anything over the years of counselling it was the importance of being a listener.
‘I’m fond of you, Kate. You know that?’
She took her hand away. ‘Yes, I do.’
‘Us working together again, it could bring its own problems – depending on how we want to take it from here.’
‘And how do you want to take it?’ Part of her realised she was asking him to take the lead.
‘I’ve already laid my cards on the table.’ He placed one hand over the deck.
‘I don’t rush into things,’ she said, ‘with Charlie to consider.’
He smiled, but it wasn’t the kind of smile that filled her with warmth. ‘I guess that’s where we differ, Kate. You’re the patient one, considering all aspects before taking a chance.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with that.’
‘No, there isn’t, but at some point we all have to take a risk for what we want.’
Was he waiting for her to make the next move? She wanted to touch him, to show how she felt. Instead, she said, ‘Can you give me more time?’
He reached out and stroked her cheek. The roughness of his skin felt good. ‘I guess some things in life are worth waiting for.’
She wanted to kiss him, more than she had ever wanted to before. It would be the easiest thing in the world to feel her lips on his. If she made the next move, he would take over, and the real reason, outside the investigation, for her being there would be reduced to two people wanting each other.
SANDRA
I REGURGITATE LAST night’s conversation with the girls. They had all fussed when I said about Edgar being unfaithful, and how someone had been moving things around the house – everyone, except Alice.
Karen wanted to know if we were still doing it. She took my lack of response as a bad sign, as did Lori. I could tell from their faces that they knew the truth, even though they kept rabbiting on. Alice said I had no real proof, I could have imagined it all. I hated the way I instantly went to defend myself, like I had to pass a test with her. With her, at times, I feel I’m being examined under a microscope, needing to prove myself. I told her I didn’t need proof, but even in her silence, she had the upper hand. Karen poured me another glass of wine. Lori got tissues from the bathroom. I sat with a towel on my lap, fidgeting, nervous, ready to tell them everything.