I didn’t have anything to say to that.
“I know what it’s like for Sydney,” Patty said. “She acts like it’s a big pain in the ass, you guys calling her when she’s late, her checking in to let you know where she is, you looking out for her and all that shit. Sometimes, mostly when she’s with me, she acts like that stuff embarrasses her, but I think she just acts that way because she doesn’t want me to feel bad because nobody’s waiting up for me, wondering where I am, dragging me out of dumbass parties like that one I went to tonight, because no one gives a shit, you know?”
“I’m sorry.”
“My dad, one time—this was before I was six and he took off? He almost killed me.”
Maybe, when you’re already carrying a heavy burden, there’s always room for a little more. “What did he do?” I asked.
“It wasn’t usually his thing to take me to daycare, right? But this one day, my mom, she had this really early morning meeting to go to, so my dad had to drop me off, only he forgot, you know? I guess I was three, and I’m in the back, and I guess I fell asleep, and instead of going to daycare to drop me off, he just kept driving to work, and it was really hot out.”
“Oh no,” I said.
“So he went into work and it was like eighty degrees out but like a fucking million degrees in the car, and I guess when I woke up I was all dehydrated and shit, and my super-terrific dad didn’t remember I was out there until about two hours later. So he runs out and gets me out and runs me into the building and I’m totally like almost passed out and he gets me some water and makes me drink it and this is the thing, right, the first thing he says to me, and I can still remember this, even though I was three years old, he says to me, ‘Let’s not tell your mother about this.’”
I was slowly shaking my head.
“But she found out anyway, because just before my dad runs out, some lady saw me in the car and she wasn’t strong enough to smash in the window so she’d called the fire department. So everybody found out, my mom too, and that was the beginning of the end of their so-called marriage.”
“That’s an awful story,” I said.
“You know why I think he did it?” she asked.
I sighed. “It happens,” I said. “You just get into this kind of trance, you do the things you always do in the morning, and dropping you off was something different. He was on autopilot. I’m sure he never meant to do it.”
“Okay, maybe he didn’t mean to do it,” Patty said. “I mean, it wasn’t like he got up that morning and decided, hey, I think I’ll kill my little girl today. I know he didn’t actually do that. It was more like a subconscious thing. At this really dark level in his brain, he didn’t care what happened to me, because the son of a bitch isn’t even my real father.”
I didn’t have it in me to take this child’s pain away. Even if I’d had the energy to want to deal with it, she’d never be able to unload all of it. Right now, I didn’t want to know about her mother’s extramarital affairs, or whether she was adopted, or any of that stuff. The simple truth was, if I let my head touch the bath mat, I’d fall asleep right here on the bathroom floor.
“Did you ever cheat on Mrs. B.?” she asked.
“That’s kind of personal,” I said.
Her face cracked. “So you did. I thought you were different. I thought you were, like, all upstanding and shit like that.”
“The answer is no,” I said. “I was always faithful to Mrs. B.—Susanne—while we were together.”
“You’re shittin’ me.”
“No,” I said. “I am not shittin’ you.”
I struggled to get up off the floor. “Patty,” I said, “I have to get some sleep. And you need to get to bed. Take Syd’s room. In the morning I still want you to call your mother.”
“You hear my cell phone ringing?” she asked. “You hear anybody wondering where I am?”
“No,” I said.
As I moved to leave the bathroom, Patty said to me, “I have this really great idea.”
I stopped. For a second, I wondered whether she’d suddenly had an insight into where I might find Syd.
“What’s that?”
“Why don’t I just live here? While you’re out during the day finding Sydney, I can watch the place, make sure nobody breaks in again and fucks around with things, take phone calls, keep an eye on the website, have something ready for you to eat when you get home.”
Her eyes had brightened. She had a hopeful smile on her face.
“I can’t do that, Patty,” I said. “It’s a kind offer, but I have to say no. It wouldn’t be right.”
“What’s the big deal? You afraid people’ll think if I’m living here you’re doing me?”
As much as I liked Patty, she was wearing me out. I’d done all I could for her tonight.
“I’ve already got one daughter to worry about,” I said. “I don’t need two.”