"Anyway, when I came home, a couple of minutes after you ..."
"I'd just come in with the groceries," Sarah said slowly. "I stopped for them on my way home, even though I had a totally crappy day at the office, did five extra hours because Kozlowski booked off sick and we had the variety store thing, and picked up some things so we could have dinner."
This was not good. Sarah was developing a tone. That meant she was already ahead of me. She knew where this story was going and how it was going to end. But I decided to tell the rest of it anyway. "So when I came up the driveway, I saw that your keys were hanging from the door, you know, where anyone could find them. This is the thing. You know, it's lucky for you, really, when you think about it, lucky for you that it was me coming up the driveway then, and not some, you know, crazy axe murderer or car thief or something instead, because that's what could have happened. You know I've mentioned this before, about you leaving your keys in the lock, and all I was trying to do was make a point, you see, to help you, so that you wouldn't do this sort of thing again and expose us to any, I guess you could say, unnecessary risk."
Sarah was breathing much more slowly now. And just staring at me.
"So, you see, that's why I did what I did."
"Which was what, exactly?"
"I moved the car, just, you know, just a little ways down the street. Like, around the corner."
"Where I wouldn't be able to see it."
"Yes. That, that was the plan."
"And when I went to look for the keys, I wouldn't be able to find them, and then when I saw that the car was missing, I'd think it was stolen, and would have a fucking heart attack so that you could make a point, is that about right?"
"It was never my intention to give you a heart attack or anything. It was merely intended as a, well, as a lesson."
"A lesson."
I swallowed. "Yes."
"I'm finished with school, Zack. I graduated. I have a university degree. I'm an adult now, and the last person I need to take lessons from is you."
"I just felt that this might help you remember in the future."
"You know what else might have helped me remember in the future? You could have taken my keys out of the door, walked up to me, and said something like 'Here, honey, you left your keys in the door.' And I would have been grateful, and said, 'Thank you very much, next time I'll try to be more careful.' "
"Well, in fact, the first time you did it, that's exactly what I -"
"And here's the part that really gets me. I'm running around this house, trying to find my keys, so I can race over to the drugstore, to get you some fucking ointment so you can put it on your stupid hand where you burned it because you dropped a lit match into a gas-filled barbecue, which, if memory serves me, I have told you before never to do!"
Paul had been standing at the door to the kitchen the whole time, and now that there was a brief pause in the screaming, he decided it was safe to navigate his way between us so he could get to the fridge. "Nice going, Dad," he said. "It's the backpack thing all over again."
Before sending me out to fetch her car, Sarah said to me, "God, you are such an asshole."
You see what I mean. You're not the only one.