“Hey,” Sophie said as I came into view. She put out her cigarette against the porch railing and stuck the butt into her pocket. Even when she was younger, Sophie had always been big about not littering. “I was just starting to wonder if you were going to come back. Where’d you go?”
“Just for a walk.” I sat down at the top of the steps, resting my forearms against my knees, and looked out across the street. The maroon awning over Perry’s front window cast a strange rectangular shadow on the sidewalk.
“Yeah?” Sophie hopped off the railing and came over to sit by me. “Where to?”
“Just around.”
She nodded. The unsaid thing about Maggie hovered heavily between us, a dark invisible shape. I could almost feel her approaching it and then pulling back. Tiptoeing up only to turn and run away again.
“So listen,” I heard myself say, even before I had a chance to think about saying it. “I’ve decided I’m gonna stay.”
“What?” Sophie asked.
“I’m gonna stay. Here.” I patted the boards of the porch next to me. “With you. I thought…you know, that you might want some help with the bakery and stuff, and that I would hang around for a while. For however long it takes.”
Sophie didn’t say anything. But she wasn’t really breathing either. “Really?” she said finally.
“Really.”
A little whimpering sound came out of her mouth, and she blocked it with both hands. “I just…God, Julia, I don’t know what to say. I’ve never actually talked about it. Maggie, I mean. I guess I need some time.”
“I know. That’s why I’m staying.” Holy shit. I had actually said it. Twice, even! The magnitude of my decision loomed suddenly before me. I pressed my lips together but the sob coming up from the back of my throat was too big. It pushed its way out like a fist, exploding into the air before me in a loud puff of sound.
“Julia!” Sophie moved in close to me, the side of her leg pressed up against mine. “Julia, it’s okay! Really, it’s okay. You don’t have to stay.” She said the words over and over again, while circling her hand on the small of my back. “Listen to me. I’ll be fine. We can work this out some other time. Really. It’s not a big deal.”
My crying slowed when she said that. “No, it is a big deal.” The words hurt as they emerged from my clenched throat, but I said them again anyway. “It is a big deal. It’s our lives, okay? It’s…” I let my forehead sink against the heels of my hands as fresh tears sprung to the corners all right my eyes. “It’s…everything, okay? And I’m staying for you, Sophie, but I think I might be staying for me too. I don’t know. I just…I want to stay.”
Sophie didn’t say anything, but her hand kept up its steady circling along my back. Her face was close to mine. A cigarette smell drifted out from her hair.
“Okay.” I lifted my head finally, tried to shrug her hand off. “I’m okay.”
“Chill,” she said.
“I’m still staying,” I said softly. “Don’t think I’m not still staying just because I broke down and cried a little. I can’t help it. Things overwhelm me sometimes, that’s all.”
Sophie guffawed softly. “Join the fucking club.”
We sat there for a few moments, just breathing. The air seemed heavy suddenly, but light too, full with the sensation of new possibilities.
After a while, Sophie cleared her throat. “Jules?”
“Yeah?”
“I just want you to know that this is probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.” She paused. “Ever.”
I sidled an inch closer. Slipped my arm through the crook of hers. Rested my head on the curve of her shoulder.
We stayed that way for a long while—not saying anything—as people continued to fill and then empty Perry’s restaurant across the street.
chapter
21
Sophie convinced me to lie down for a while, and I did not object. I was still exhausted from my all-night trip, and the emotional toll from my decision had given my limbs a Gumby sort of quality. Still, I unpacked my clothes from my suitcase, refolding them neatly and sliding them into the dresser drawers. The room I was staying in looked and felt a little like an empty barn. The least I could do was keep it neat. The sound of scraping drifted up from outside as Sophie got back to work, but I rolled over to one side and stared at the almond-colored walls until my eyes grew heavy and finally closed.
A thrumming noise from the corner of the room woke me. It was coming from the top of Sophie’s dresser. I stood up unsteadily. My phone, which was next to a small ceramic dish filled with dried lavender and a picture of Goober as a baby, was vibrating violently.
My heart lurched as I peeked at the front of it.
“Hello?”
“Jules?” I closed my eyes at the sound of Milo’s voice. No one said my name like he did. No one in the world.
“Yeah?” I paused, and then said, “How’d you get my number?”
“I asked Zoe for it.” I could hear the sound of a Certs clicking against his teeth. “You don’t mind, do you?”
He asked Zoe for my number? “No, it’s fine. It’s just…you’ve never called me before.”