We sit and talk for hours. About books, music, school, our childhoods. He plays guitar, and I play the piano. We have a lot of things in common. We leave the heavy topics aside, and for that I’m grateful. The sun is starting to set towards the west, and I close my eyes and take in that last few minutes of the sun’s warmth hitting my face. I look over towards River and he is doing the same. While he has his eyes closed, I study his face, knowing this is the last time I will see him. I want to remember everything about this day. How he made me smile, laugh, and actually feel emotion again. But I know that as soon as I leave, the feeling of loneliness will wash over me, and the darkness will creep back in.
“You asked me how my dad died.” He opens his eyes and looks up at me, and nods his head. “We were playing at this very park. I just did my first jump out of a swing and he was so proud of me. I told him I wanted ice cream for a week because I jumped out of the swing and saved the world.” He gives me a funny look and I just laugh and continue. “And he of course told me yes. We walked home that night and after dinner my dad tells me he will be right back in a few minutes with my ice cream. Well, he never came back. He was in a car accident and he never came back. River, he never came back.” I choke back the tears, willing myself not to cry. If I didn’t have to have ice cream that night my dad might still be here. I carry around so much guilt for what happened. Rationally I know it wasn’t my fault that he died, but I ask myself the what if questions daily, and I drive myself crazy with guilt. As each day passes, the guilt consumes a little bit more of my soul.
River puts an arm around me and guides my head to his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything. He just wraps his arm around me and lets me cry.
“God, I’m so sorry. We don’t even know each other, and here I am crying like a girl on your shoulder.” How embarrassing. There’s another emotion I’m not used to. Embarrassment.
“Well, you are a girl, so it’s ok. At least I hope you’re a girl, this whole day might be a little awkward if you aren’t.” I laugh and shove him in the arm. “That shove you just gave me totally proves you’re a girl.” I give him my best scowl.
“You might want to watch yourself. I’ve been known to throw a nasty punch.” He is laughing at me now. Well I’m glad one of us thinks I’m funny. “Well thank you. For today; for everything.” I give River a small smile and get up to leave to go home. He gently grabs my arm and pulls me closer to him.
“Same time tomorrow? Please meet me back here tomorrow. I’d like to spend the day with you again.” He is pleading at me with his eyes, and it’s tugging at my heart. Damn you River. I give him a slight nod and turn to leave. I know I won’t be meeting him back here tomorrow. I don’t plan on being here after tonight. I want it all to end. The pain, guilt, and grief have taken its toll on me and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’m drowning and I can’t pull myself up.
“Estelle.” His voice holds a command that makes me stop in my tracks and turn around to look at him. “Remember that the beauty of life is, while we can’t undo what has already happened, we can try to understand it, and change for the better because of it. So that every moment after isn’t spent in guilt, fear, or regret, but in understanding.” I slowly nod my head, and turn to walk away.
The walk back to my house seems like it takes forever. River’s words hit me like a punch in the gut and the emotions I am feeling are starting to freak me out. When I finally reach my house, I walk inside, up the stairs, and into my bathroom. I open up the medicine cabinet and take out the bottles of pills that I’ve been saving for today. I planned on going to the park, coming home and taking this bottle of pills, and then sleeping forever. As I am staring at this tiny orange bottle, a million different emotions are running through my head. Ending my life tonight would end all possibilities of my life ever getting better.
River’s words mean a lot to me. Everything he said is so true. I shouldn’t spend my days living in fear and guilt. I need to look forward and look towards tomorrow. If my dad could see me now, he would not be proud of the girl I have become. What if I never met River today? I would have already taken these pills, and my mom would have had to wake up in the morning and find me in my bed. God, I didn’t even think of how this would affect my mom. She’s already been through enough in this life time. When did I turn into such a selfish bitch?
I take the cap off the pill bottle, and slowly pour the contents into the toilet. As each pill falls out of the bottle it feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I still have a long road to go, but tonight I’m taking that first step in the right direction. I walk into my bedroom and crawl into bed. I fall asleep tonight, for the first time in years, with a sense of peace. I fall asleep dreaming of a green eyed boy pushing me on a park swing.
I awake the next morning and rush to the park to meet River. As I round the corner to come up to the park, I stop dead in my tracks. The grass around the park bench has been cut down, and freshly planted flowers are all around it. Whereas yesterday there were weeds and dead grass, today flowers of all colors are softly swaying in the wind. I walk up to the bench and sit down, deeply inhaling the scent of the flowers. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, landing like raindrops onto my jeans.
I can sense him watching me before I see him. I look up and see him leaning up against a tree about 20 feet away. He has a blanket draped over his arm, and a picnic basket sitting in the grass beside his feet. I get up from the park bench and make my ways towards him.
“I’m so glad you came back. Do you like the flowers?” He reaches out and softly runs his thumb underneath my eyes, drying my tears.
“I more than like them, I love them River. Thank you so much.” He leans down and kisses my forehead and pulls me in for a hug. I wrap my arms around him and cling to him for dear life. “Thank you for being here at the park yesterday, and for spending the day with me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it meant to me.”
“Are you up for a picnic today? I want to take you somewhere, but you can’t get mad. You promise?” He looks nervous to tell me where he wants to take me, which in turn makes me nervous.