‘I just want to speak to him.’
‘Sorry, we can’t have civilians coming in to give names and ask to speak to coppers,’ the receptionist says.
‘It isn’t – it isn’t a bad thing. I just want to talk to him.’
‘We really can’t do that. Do you need to report a crime?’
‘I mean …’ Jen says. She goes to say no, but then hesitates. Maybe the police can help her. Just because the murder hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean that no crimes at all have been committed. The knife … buying a knife is a crime. It’s a gamble – he might not yet have bought it – but it’s one she is prepared to take. If Todd is investigated for something smaller, perhaps that would stop the larger crime?
Something ignites in Jen. All she needs is change. To blow out one match in a whole line of them. To keep a domino standing that would otherwise fall. And then, perhaps, she will wake up, and it will be tomorrow.
‘Yes,’ she says, to the receptionist’s obvious surprise. ‘Yes, I’d like to report a crime.’
Twenty-five minutes later, Jen is in a meeting room with a police officer. He’s young, with pale blue eyes like a wolf. Each time they meet hers, Jen is struck by how unusual they are, a dark blue rim, light blue pools in the centre, tiny pupils. Something about the colour makes them look vacant. He’s freshly shaven, his uniform a little too big for him.
‘Right, tell me,’ he says. They have two white plastic cups of water in front of them. The room smells of photocopier toner and stale coffee. The setting seems so mundane for the reaction Jen hopes to set off.
‘I’ll just keep a note,’ he adds. She doesn’t want this. A young officer who takes meticulous notes and won’t answer questions. Jen wants a maverick. Someone who goes off the record, who has a dead wife and an alcohol problem: someone who can help her.
‘I’m pretty sure my son is involved in something,’ she says simply. She skims over the alias she gave, hoping he won’t question this, and goes to the heart of the matter: ‘His name is Todd Brotherhood.’
And that’s when it happens. Recognition: Jen is sure of it. It passes across his features like a ghost.
‘What makes you say that he’s involved in something?’
She tells the officer about the cutting and sewing business, about her son meeting Joseph Jones, and about the knife. She hopes that, if Todd has armed himself already, they will find that weapon, arrest him and stop the crime.
The police officer’s pen stalls, just slightly, at the mention of the knife. His iced eyes flick to hers, the colour of a gas fire on low, then back down again. Jen can feel it in the air, the change, even in here. She has lit the touchpaper. The butterfly has flapped its wings.
‘Right – where is the knife? How do you know he bought one?’
‘I’m not sure right now, but I have seen it in his school bag once,’ she says, omitting that this happens in the future.
‘Has he ever left the house with it?’
‘I assume so.’
‘Okay then …’ the officer says, upending the pen. ‘All right. Looks like we need to speak to your son.’
‘Today?’ Jen asks.
The policeman finishes writing and looks at her. He glances at the clock on the wall.
‘We’ll make enquiries with Todd.’
She shivers, there in the warm police interviewing room. What if there is some unintended consequence of this action she’s just taken? Maybe Joseph Jones should die, if he’s got something to do with something terrible, and she only needs to help Todd get away with it. How is she supposed to know which it is?
‘Okay – well, I can go and get Todd for you,’ she says, wondering quite how she’s coming across. How strange it must sound. Even now, in this chaos, Jen still worries about being judged as a parent.
‘Just your address is enough,’ the officer says. He stands up and extends the flat of his palm towards the door. An instant dismissal. Just arrest him, please arrest him, so he can’t do anything more, Jen thinks.
‘Nothing you can do today?’ she probes again. She needs him taken in tonight, before she sleeps, if she has even a chance of stopping the crime. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, not to her, anyway.
The policeman pauses, looking at his feet, that palm still extended. ‘I’ll try my best. You know – usually, young men carry knives because of gangs.’
‘I know,’ Jen whispers.
‘We’ll talk to your son, but in order to get kids out of this you have to work out the why.’
‘I’m trying,’ Jen says. She stops just there, on the threshold of the meeting room, then decides to just ask. ‘Have any babies gone missing in the area? Recently?’
‘Sorry?’ the officer says. ‘Missing babies?’
‘Yes. Recently.’
‘I can’t discuss other cases,’ he says, giving nothing away.
She leaves then, and as she exits through the glass doors etched with a finely threaded grid and steps outside, she smells it. Not what she was expecting: petrichor. Rain on pavements. Summer’s coming back. That smell, that intangible smell – lawns being mowed, cow parsley, hot, packed earth – always reminds her of the house they had in the valley, the little white bungalow. How happy they were there, away from the city. Before.
On the way home, she thinks about Ryan Hiles, and about the missing baby. She can still see the poster. There is something she recognizes about that baby. An instinctive familiarity, as though they may be a distant relative, someone she now knows as an adult … someone she has perhaps met, but she can’t think. Jen has never been good with babies.
She got pregnant with Todd accidentally, only eight months after she met Kelly. It was a shock, but he used to joke they’d had a decade’s worth of sex in that year, which is true. The little camper van and their clothes strewn across the floor are her only memories of that time. His hips against hers, how he’d said to her wryly one night that everybody would be able to see their van rocking. How she didn’t care.
They’d been in their early twenties. She’d been on the pill, and most of the time they used condoms. Something about the impossibility of the pregnancy was what made her keep the baby. That, and a single sentence Kelly had said: ‘I hope the baby has your eyes.’ Right away, as with millions of women before her, she had thought, But I hope he has yours. Sperm had met egg, and each of their thoughts had met the other’s, and she felt immediately ready. Like she’d grown up in the space of a two-minute pregnancy test, looking to a future generation instead of to herself.
But she hadn’t been ready, not at all.
Nobody had warned her of the car crash that was labour. At one point she had been sure she was going to die, and that conviction never really left her, even after she was fine. She couldn’t believe women went through that. That they chose to do it again and again. She couldn’t believe pain like that actually existed.
She had begun her motherhood journey with pain, but also in fear: of the judgement of health visitors, of GPs, and of other mothers.
Todd hadn’t been what anybody would call a difficult baby. He’d always slept well. But an easy baby is still difficult, and Jen – a fan of self-recrimination anyway – was thrust into something that would in other circumstances have been described as torture. And yet to describe it as such was taboo. She’d looked down at him one night, and thought, How do I know if I love you?
Jen can see that she was susceptible to wanting it all. A woman working in a job that took as much as you were able to give. Having a repressed father. Vulnerable to people’s judgement, to reading huge amounts into the small things people say. That vein of inadequacy running through her that led her to say yes to banal networking events and taking on more cases than she could realistically run led – in parenthood – to misery.