The Guilt Trip

“Will do,” says Ali as she disappears down the steps from the patio into her and Will’s room below.

“Where’s Ali?” Paige asks, as the four of them climb up into the minibus Will has rented.

“She’s got some jobs to do,” says Rachel. “Says we need to get some sardine paste if we see any.”

“I remember her loving that stuff the last time we were here.”

“I didn’t realize we had the option of staying here and putting an order in,” says Paige quietly.

Rachel smiles at Will in the rearview mirror. “So, what time are your mum and dad coming in?”

“Around three,” he says. “They’re all on the same flight—about thirty of them.”

“Have your parents met Ali’s parents before?” asks Noah from the front seat.

“Yeah, once or twice. But I’m sure a few bevvies on the plane will get them better acquainted.”

“By the time dinner comes around, they’ll be ten sheets to the wind,” says Noah, laughing. “It’ll be a fitting end to your last night as a single man.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” says Will, veering off the dual carriageway.

“So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?” Rachel asks as they pull up outside a surprisingly large supermarket. “Nervous?”

“I’m actually all right,” says Will. “I’m a hundred percent sure I’m doing the right thing, so I guess that helps.”

“There’s not a tiny part of you that’s questioning it?” asks Paige.

Rachel and Noah both look at her, as if silently asking why she would need to say that.

“What?” she retorts. “It’s only natural to feel a smidgen of doubt. I certainly did when I married you.” She looks to Noah who seems momentarily perplexed by his wife’s admission.

“And there’s me thinking we were one another’s true loves,” he says, as he slams the door of the van a little harder than necessary.

“I only had doubts because I wasn’t sure it was what you wanted,” says Paige as they all walk across the parking lot toward the shop’s entrance.

Rachel can’t help but feel that this is an odd place for a married couple to be having a conversation like this.

“Why would you have thought that?” asks Noah, as Rachel attempts to quicken her pace to join Will, who is just a few steps ahead.

“Because I wasn’t entirely sure that it was me you wanted to be with.”

Rachel’s heart feels like it’s stopped and if she couldn’t see her feet still moving, she’d be sure she was rooted to the tarmac of the parking lot.

Noah laughs nervously. “I don’t know why you’d think that.”

“Because I really wasn’t sure what had gone on between you two,” she says.

Rachel can feel Paige’s eyes burning into her and she’s glad her back’s to them.

“It seems preposterous now,” Paige goes on. “And I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but you two had such a history together that I couldn’t quite believe that it was purely platonic.”

Rachel can feel her mouth drying up as she walks faster, overtaking Will at the automatically opening door.

“I mean, it’s entirely possible,” Paige goes on, laughing. “I can see that now, but eighteen years ago, I didn’t know you very well, Rachel, and I was immature and perhaps a little insecure.”

Rachel turns to face her as the men busy themselves with the very serious business of selecting the right tomatoes.

“Noah and I have only ever been friends,” she says.

“Yes, I know that now, silly,” says Paige, bumping Rachel with her shoulder to lighten the mood. “But, back then, you can’t blame me for thinking something more had gone on. You were like two peas in a pod, finishing each other’s sentences and sharing the same interests. It was pretty intimidating to come into as an outsider.”

“But I told you from the beginning that we were like brother and sister,” says Noah, his eyes focused on tying the bag of tomatoes.

“Yes, but even still, you were a man and a woman who were so closely in tune with each other that it was impossible—at least in my mind—that something more wasn’t going on—or hadn’t in the past. It just goes against nature that two people of the opposite sex can be that close without ever taking it one step further.”

Rachel forces a smile, but try as she might, she can’t stop the memory of Noah’s face coming toward her; his lips parting hers as they kiss. She can feel his touch setting her skin ablaze as his fingers trail lightly down her spine.

“Rachel?” says Paige, calling her back.

“Sorry,” says Rachel, shaking herself down.

“You looked miles away,” says Paige, laughing. “I was just asking if we should get some avocados?”

She can feel Noah’s eyes burning into her, but she refuses to look at him for fear that it will give something away.

“Erm, yes…” she says, when she eventually manages to shrug off the uncomfortable sensation that her best friend’s husband is able to evoke in her.

Paige laughs to herself as she feels the firmness of an avocado. “I remember thinking I had to pass the Rachel test.”

“Which was?” asks Rachel, unable to believe that, after all these years, they’re having this conversation in a supermarket.

“To make sure you liked me even more than Noah did,” says Paige.

Rachel smiles, but she’s not sure how successful that test was, given that on meeting, the first thing she’d said to Noah when Paige went to the bathroom was “She looks like she’s got a broom stuck up her arse.”

“Now, now,” Noah had said, half-smiling. “I’ve always been nice to Jack, so I expect you to show the same courtesy to her.”

“Do you really think it’s serious, then?” Rachel had asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t have asked you here if I didn’t,” he’d said.

It wasn’t as if she’d been invited to join them, exactly. It had been made to look like Rachel had just happened to be in the same place they were, so she could check Paige out.

“So, why did you ask me if you don’t want my honest opinion?”

“I do want your opinion—it matters to me what you think—but don’t be mean just for the sake of it.” He’d looked at her like a stern schoolteacher.

“I don’t want her to change anything between us,” she’d said sulkily.

“Don’t you think you having a baby, and getting married, has done that already?”

“I can already tell that she doesn’t like me. What have you told her?”

Noah had shifted his stance at the bar.

“Have you told her the truth?” she pressed.

“Have you told Jack the truth?” he snapped back.

“Christ, the bathroom’s a long way away,” said Paige, bursting the invisible balloon that Noah and Rachel had momentarily put themselves in.

“Well, it’s been lovely to meet you,” Rachel had said, suddenly feeling the need to get out of there. “But I really need to get home to my baby.”

“Oh, you have a child?” Paige asked.

Rachel could literally see the relief in her eyes. As if being a mother meant that she wasn’t a threat to her and Noah’s burgeoning relationship.

“Yes,” said Rachel, acknowledging that she was probably right. Having a child had changed everything, and she’d never do anything to jeopardize Josh’s welfare or well-being. She’d learned the hard way how it felt to be the product of a broken marriage and she would never allow him to feel that despair, that guilt, that maybe he’d done something to make his mummy and daddy stop loving each other. That weight of responsibility sat like a lump in her throat.

“He’s ten months old,” she’d managed.

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