Her gaze fell to her lap, not wanting him to see it soften. She couldn’t let him off the hook that easily. “You could’ve come back. You knew where to find me. I was at the hotel all night.”
He shook his head resignedly. “You saw me that night. I was out of my fucking mind. By the time I sobered up enough to think straight, it was too late. You were gone. And blocking my calls. Which, you know, fair enough.”
Grey pushed a piece of shrimp across her plate with her fork. Another memory from that night nagged at her. “Did you really think…that I was just with you for my career? Still, after everything?”
Ethan cringed. “I said that?”
She nodded, and he exhaled loudly.
“Jesus. I’m sorry. It’s what I was afraid of, sure, but you never did anything to make me feel that way. It was just my insecurity talking.”
She looked up from her plate, meeting his eyes again.
“I wasn’t going to leave. You know that, right? If you’d wanted to get help…I would’ve supported you. I wanted to.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, his face contemplative and serious. “That wouldn’t have been fair to you. That was the whole thing. I thought being in love with you would solve all my problems, and when it didn’t, it felt like everything was hopeless. I think a part of me even blamed you, which is so fucked, I know. If we’d stayed together, we never would have made it. I was too far gone, I couldn’t handle the pressure. I’d keep disappointing you, you’d keep resenting me. I don’t think I could’ve gotten sober with that hanging over my head. I had to get it together on my own.”
Grey was silent for a long moment. She turned his words over in her mind like they were shells on the beach, contemplating whether to bring them home with her or toss them back into the ocean.
“If you’ve been sober for this long, why didn’t you try to contact me sooner? Why now? Why…like this?”
He stacked a few of the empty plastic containers on top of each other on the table to make room for his plate. He stretched his legs, looping his arm over the side of the couch, his bare foot inches from her knee.
“As soon as I got to rehab, all I wanted to do was call you. You were all I could think about. But you’re not really supposed to reach out and try to fix your broken relationships while you’re there. And once I got out, it felt like it would be worse if I tried to come back into your life before I was sure I was…stable. Turns out it takes more than three months in rehab to untangle forty years of bullshit. Not that I’m done yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. But…I’m trying. I’m getting closer.” He rubbed his hand over his jaw. “I couldn’t figure out the right way to do it, the right time, and then I saw you were doing that play…it felt like a sign. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have ambushed you like that. But I was scared if I told you I was coming you’d tell me to go fuck myself. I just…needed to see you. Even if you refused to talk to me after.”
Grey stacked her plate on top of his. Her head spun as she tried to process everything.
“So is this…what do they call it? Making amends?”
He shook his head. “Not officially, although I do owe you one. I wasn’t ready the first time around. Apparently once you finish all twelve steps you just keep doing them over and over forever, did you know that?”
“I had no idea.”
He smiled cheekily, the earnestness lifting from his expression. “My therapist gives me homework, too. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to college after all. Majoring in not being a self-loathing alcoholic piece of shit.” He held up his hands. “Wait, sorry, I’m not supposed to call myself a piece of shit anymore. I was ‘doing my best with the pain that I had.’?” He delivered that last part in a wry, singsong tone.
She grinned back, unable to help herself. “Sounds like a lot of work.”
“It is. But it’s not so bad. Beats the alternative.”
She allowed her gaze to linger on his face. Take all of him in. He really did seem different. Even the best versions of Ethan were never free of a hovering cloud, ready to unleash a storm at a moment’s notice. But for the first time since she’d known him, that cloud was absent. It was subtle, something she never would have noticed if she weren’t so attuned to his moods, even now. He seemed lighter. Calmer. Fully present.
“You really haven’t had a drink in a year and a half?”
“Almost. Sixteen months, to be exact. It’s been…yeah. I wish I could say every day gets easier. But I have more good days than bad now. And even the bad ones aren’t as bad as…well, you know.”
“I’m really proud of you,” she said softly. He ducked his head and smiled, color rising to his cheeks. She realized she’d never seen him blush before. It was so damn charming she thought her heart would explode.
“Thanks.” He looked back up at her. “Did Nora tell you we just redid the custody agreement? I have the girls half the time now.”
Grey tried to ignore the way her heart leapt. If Nora had agreed to that, he really must be doing better—not just parroting what he thought she wanted to hear in a hollow attempt to win her forgiveness. “No, that’s great. We, um. We don’t really talk about you.”
He nodded slowly. “That’s probably for the best.”
“Yeah.”
She noticed his glass was empty, and held her hand out to him. He passed it to her and she went to the fridge to refill them both. With her back to him, she felt a surge of courage.
“Can I ask you something? Unrelated.” She finished off one glass bottle of mineral water and cracked open another one.
“Sure. Trying to get through the last of those love questions?”
“What? Oh. Ha. No, I’m freestyling this one.” She brought the glasses back to the couch and handed him his. When she sat back down, she sat closer this time, her knee firmly pressed against his outstretched leg. She leaned her other elbow on the back of the couch and rested her head on her fist.
“Why did you sign the contract in the first place? I don’t believe that you couldn’t have made your comeback without me. But it didn’t even seem like you wanted to. You barely showed any interest in work the whole time we were together. What made you say yes?”
Ethan took a long sip of his sparkling water, then stared into the glass like it held the answer.
“Well, two things, really. I showed up because Audrey basically begged me to. I guess it was her form of an intervention. I almost didn’t make it at all.”
“Oh, I remember.”
“My plan was to eat my free lunch, make a little small talk, and get the hell out of there.” His lips curved into that half smile that was as familiar to her as her own. “But you kind of ruined everything. Once I met you, that wasn’t an option anymore.”
Grey’s stomach fluttered. “So what sealed the deal? Was it when I told you to fuck off and die?”
He laughed, a real laugh from deep in his chest. “What can I say? You know how to make a first impression.” His face turned pensive again. “It’s hard to describe. I don’t even really understand it now. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was just this…pull. I felt it the first time I saw you. And it just kept getting stronger the more I got to know you.”
“Are you sure you weren’t just horny?”
He laughed again. “That was definitely part of it. There was something else, though. Something like…recognition, maybe? Like I knew you already. But at the same time, like I’d never run out of things to learn.”
Grey bit her lip, forcing herself to ask her next question before she lost her nerve. “Do you still feel it?”
His eyes swept over her face. “Don’t you?”
Her breath caught in her throat. Slowly, he set his water glass on the table, without taking his eyes off her. She slid her legs out from under her and scooted toward him as gracefully as scooting allowed, until she was draped across his lap. She was tempted to nestle against his shoulder, but sat upright instead, as he ran his hand up her denim-clad shin, then up her thigh, and back down again.
Something inside her released, something she hadn’t even been aware was tensed.