I need to get myself together. She’s my neighbour, for God’s sake.
My phone bleeps in my pocket. I pull it out, swallowing a groan when I see Amy’s number. I’ve been ignoring her messages for months now. Ever since I got her first wedding invite shoved into my letterbox. I didn’t know what to respond, so I’ve just been putting off answering.
AMY: The wedding is in five weeks, and you haven’t RSVP’d. I need an answer today. Are you coming, and are you bringing a plus one.
AMY: My mum is gonna think it’s some massive drama if you don’t come.
I sigh. I want to go to my ex-wife’s wedding about as much as I want to get shot in the head. But she’s right; people will only gossip more if I refuse to attend. Besides, Josh and Zack will both be going. It’ll look weird if I don’t make it.
LUKE: I’m coming. No plus one.
Then, before she can reply, I switch off my phone, closing my eyes.
I’m happy for Amy. Really. We divorced almost ten years ago. Any bad blood is gone. I just wish she’d stay out of my life. Which will be a lot more difficult after the wedding, since she’s marrying Josh’s older brother.
I suppose it kind of is my fault. She met Josh’s brother Rob at a Three Single Guys liveshow. We brought them together. And now they’re getting married, I’ll probably have to see her a Hell of a lot more. I’m not looking forward to it.
There’s a knock on the door, and I step back as Zack pushes into the room. He squints at me standing alone in the dark, then laughs loudly.
“Man, you are so screwed.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I flick the lights on and drop my phone onto the bed, walking over to my desk and picking up a stack of printed listener emails.
Zack leans in the doorway, watching me. “You’re blushin’.”
“I am not.”
“You are.” He tilts his head. “You know she’d let you join, right? She likes you.”
“Who?” I say, flipping mindlessly through the papers.
He sighs. “Don’t play dumb, Luke. Layla. She likes you. And you obviously want to join in, so…”
“I don’t,” I cut him off. “You’re being ridiculous. I’m ten years older than the girl. I used to be her teacher.”
“Yup,” Zack says unhelpfully. “That’s pretty hot. Bet she had a schoolgirl crush on you. Bet she wrote your name all over her notebooks in class…”
My stomach twists. I slap the papers back down onto the desk with too much force. “Yes,” I emphasise. “A schoolgirl crush. Because when I was a married adult with a full-time job, she was a teenage girl. I’m not going to kiss her, that’s disgusting.”
Zack’s face darkens. “She’s not a teenage girl anymore, dumbass. She’s a woman. She’s pushing thirty. She’s your friend. She wants help, and we’re giving it to her. Quit acting like we’re doing something wrong because of your weird guilt complex.” He slams out of the room, leaving me standing alone, my head reeling.
TRANSCRIPT
THREE SINGLE GUYS EPISODE 444: A BAD FIRST IMPRESSION
LUKE: Hey everybody, and thanks for tuning in to this episode of Three Single Guys. First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has left us a review or shared our latest episode on social media. We didn’t expect this segment would turn out so popular, but we’re thrilled.
LAYLA: (Blows a kiss into the microphone) You’re welcome, boys.
JOSH: This week was the first week of our Fake Date Experiment, and Zack and I took Layla on our first date together. It was… interesting.
LUKE: How do you think the date went?
JOSH: Oh, she’s even worse than we expected.
LAYLA: It can’t have been that bad. I still got a goodnight kiss.
ZACK: Aye, because you’re pretty. I just stared at your face and tried to ignore what your mouth was saying.
LAYLA: Huh. I wondered why you didn’t respond when I called you an arrogant prick. It all makes sense now.
JOSH: It turns out, Layla’s main issue is a pretty common one. Like many of us, she tends to treat dates like job interviews. Just like when we’re applying for a new job, we try to make the other person like us by acting how we think they want us to be, and hiding our weaknesses. We stress over how we’re being perceived so much we come across unnatural and forced.
ZACK: Aye. See, I find dating easy, ‘cause I assume everyone likes me.
LAYLA: (whispers) Arrogant prick.
JOSH: He is, yes, but he’s also right in this case. Dating isn’t about making people like you. It’s about working out whether you like them.
ZACK: And remember, when they don’t like you, it says nothin’ about you as a person. You just don’t have chemistry. Unlike me and Layla, who cannot be in a room together for longer than five minutes without causing a fire.
LUKE: Because you’re… arsonists?
ZACK: Because we have a spark. Duh.
LAYLA: Oh, honey, we talked about this. I know you like sticking your fingers into things, but you’ve got to stop fiddling with the plug sockets, it’s not safe.
JOSH: (Ignores them) The next time you’re on a first date, skip the small talk and cut to the chase. You want to know what makes them tick. So be honest. Tell them what your flaws are, and see whether they rise to the occasion. If you let go of your own defences, nine times out of ten, the other person will drop their walls too.
ZACK: And then, hopefully, their knickers.
LAYLA: Gosh, Zack. That’ll be something for me to look forward to.
PICTUREGRAM
Post by HerTreatLayla:
[Image description: A blonde woman wearing a gold and black underwear set is standing in front of a white wall. She is looking to the side and laughing.]
Happy Sunday guys! This is me modelling the Monarch Butterfly push-up from my upcoming Butterfly collection. It will be available this summer! ?
While you wait, @threesingleguyspodcast listeners can get 20% off everything on my web store. Check out yesterday’s episode for a coupon code!
xo, Layla
#hertreat #indiestore #threesingleguys
1096 Likes.
User comments:
found you on the three single guys show!!! You make suuuuch cute clothes hearteyes emoji
Just got my set in the mail, it’s so cute + feels incredible! Me and my bf both love it xxx gonna buy some more as soon as payday comes!
Sorry, i find it hard to believe that a girl that has no problems getting her tatas and peach emoji out on social media is having problems finding a man. She’s just doing this to promote her business. #fake
Look at those jugs good grief. I’d pay to get my face in them
SIXTEEN
LAYLA
One week after my second episode of Three Single Guys airs, I drag myself back up the stairs of my building, utterly exhausted.
It’s nine PM, and I’ve been up working since five this morning. I’ve spent all day at the warehouse unit I use to store all of my products, doing product quality checks and packing orders. My back is burning from hunching over the label address machine. My eyes are blurry from triple-checking every receipt. My fingers are sore and smudged with pink, where the colouring came off the pink tissue paper I use to wrap smaller items.
But I am very, very happy.