ZACK: Right. Right. We’re just three losers with a podcast. But we’re three losers with a podcast and a wall full of wedding invites, because we’re great at our job. We have helped people. A lot of ‘em. And we don’t appreciate being called ‘disgusting’ by a couple of sanctimonious snobs who think just ‘cause they got married to the first kid who held their hand in primary school, the sun shines out of their backsides.
LUKE: Zack.
ZACK: (ignoring him) Here’s a newsflash, to the pricks at Sweetheart Soulmates: being married doesn’t make you superior to single people. And, considerin’ most of your advice is basically ‘women, try harder to please your man’, it obviously doesn’t make you any better at giving advice, either. So you can take your ‘deep concerns’, and shove them down your—
(Luke interrupts)
LUKE: Rather than argue with our critics, we thought we’d take the high ground, and use this as an opportunity to test our advice skills — and provide you all with some first-hand entertainment along the way.
JOSH: We have a friend who’s lived in our building for the past couple of years. She’s loud, uses too much hot water, and is a generally terrible neighbor. If you ever heard muffled ABBA in the background of our quarantine episodes, that’s her.
LAYLA: Hey!
JOSH: Wait your turn. Anyway, this friend recently came to us for some relationship advice. It turns out, she’s terrible at dating.
LUKE: She’s a beautiful girl, incredibly successful, and has loads going for her, but for some reason, she can’t pay a guy to go on a second date with her.
ZACK: She probably couldn’t pay him to finish his first date with her. They tend to jump out of the restaurant bathroom’s window before the first course is served.
LAYLA: That only happened once. For the record.
JOSH: Shh. So we’ve decided, in the name of charity, that we’re going to help our friend out. And you’re coming along with us. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be conducting a dating experiment. Layla, can you say hello?
LAYLA: Hello.
(Long pause)
ZACK: Aww. My little pudding pop is shy.
LAYLA: I am not shy.
ZACK: Of course, you’re not. Introduce yourself, dumpling.
LAYLA: Um. Hello. I’m Layla Thompson. I’m twenty-eight. I run my own clothing company. And I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’d love to have at least one relationship before I turn thirty, so I figured, if I have to share a wall with these three losers, I may as well use their dating expertise.
ZACK: I wish you guys were here in the studio right now, so you could see how hard she’s blushing.
LAYLA: I’m not blushing, you hog.
ZACK: It’s so cute. Her cheeks are bright pink. She looks like a little raspberry.
(A clattering sound, followed by a muffled groan)
JOSH: For the listeners at home, our guest speaker just kicked over Zack’s chair.
LUKE: She’s surprisingly strong.
LAYLA: Surprising?! Do I look weak?
JOSH: Can we get back on track, please? For the next six weeks, we’ll be giving Layla the full boyfriend experience. We’re calling the segment ‘The Fake Date Experiment’.
ZACK: ‘Cause we’re gonna be her fake boyfriends, basically. So she can hone her non-existent skills.
JOSH: Exactly. We’ll be taking her on dates, inviting her over for dinner, and giving her our best tips on flirting and body language — as well as how to progress dates to the next level.
ZACK: Oh la la.
JOSH: The goal of this segment isn’t to find you a boyfriend, L. Frankly, we’re not miracle workers. But if we can make you more comfortable dating, we’ll have done our job. (He pauses) No matter what happens, it will at least be entertaining.
LAYLA: I’m glad to amuse.
JOSH: Alright, Layla. We’ll catch up with you next week, when we have transformed you into someone men might possibly find mildly attractive.
LAYLA: The next time you do laundry, I’m gonna pour paint into the washing machine mid-spin cycle.
JOSH: I’m shaking, truly. Sign out before I unplug your mic.
LAYLA: Later, losers.
(Sound of papers shuffling)
JOSH: Okay, guys, moving onto your emails. We’re starting with Charlotte from Arkansas, who wants to know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s found his stash of dirty videos — and wants to watch them with him…
TWITTER
Buzz Tone Podcasts @Buzz_Tone_Media
Ever wondered what it would be like to date one of @ThreeSingleGuys? The guys are starting a dating experiment with one very lucky lady. Download the latest episode to find out more! ?
Rosie @R0zeanne92
I am frickin OBSESSED with @ThreeSingleGuys finally adding a girl to their show #girlpower #itsabouttime
Anita @Anni3Rhaman
Will someone please tell Zack that I am also very bad at dating and would LOVE to volunteer to be his girlfriend :)
Abby @Hot_Bi_Fiend
Is there a rule you have to be hot to be on this podcast?! I checked @HerTreatLayla’s profile, the girl is fiiiiire #girlcrush
Queen Dany @Dany_is_queen
I already ship Layla and Josh. Idk he just sounds happier when he’s talking to her #teamjosh
Zilly @ZackHard0nForever
Twenty bucks they all fall in love.
NINE
ZACK
“Relax,” I tell Josh for the fifth time. “She’s coming. You’re not getting stood up.”
Josh glares at me, tapping the side of his pint glass impatiently.
It’s been a day since our recording session with Layla. The episode only went live about half an hour ago, so I’m not sure how it’s being received — I’ve turned off my phone notifications so I can focus on the task at hand.
Tonight, we’re having our first official date. I decided to pick familiar ground, and texted her to meet us at the pub opposite our apartment block at nine PM. Josh and I have been sat at a quiet corner booth for a few minutes now. Layla’s running late, and it’s driving Josh up the wall.
“I’m relaxed,” he insists, tugging at his collar. He’s dressed up for the occasion, in jeans and a black shirt I could swear is new. He’s done something to his hair, and judging by the minty smell drifting across the table, he’s doused himself in cologne as well.
Interesting.
I clear my throat. “You’re gonna break that glass, mate.”
Josh pulls his hand away from his water like it’s burned him, looking up as the door swings open again. His shoulders ease. “She’s here,” he breathes.
I catch Layla’s eye and wave her over. She said she was coming straight from the warehouse, but she still looks stunning, in a pair of tight black leather pants and a red jacket. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and her eyes are made up smokey and black. It’s hot as Hell.
“Hi,” she says breathlessly, sitting down next to me. “Sorry I’m late. They evacuated the Tube after a drunk guy puked on the seats.” She sets her handbag on the table, then glances between the two of us. Her cheeks are pink. “There’s two of you.”
“Is that a problem?” Josh asks. “One of us could leave, if you don’t want to be seen with us both in public—”
“No!” She says quickly. “No, no. I, um, don’t have a problem with that. I just didn’t expect it. But I guess it’s better, actually, right? I get like, two perspectives. Two fake boyfriends. Yes, that’s good.” She clears her throat, then reaches for Josh’s water glass. “You guys look nice,” she babbles. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to change. I’d normally get my tits out on a bar date.”
Josh looks like he’s swallowed his own tongue. “You look fine,” he manages.
Layla blushes deeper, her eyes flashing between us again. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so flustered before. “You alright, sugar?”