He sighed. “Yeah, I’m definitely beginning to see what you guys mean about her. But, Laine, I meant what I said on the phone the other day. We could move her to Ann Arbor to live with us.”
Us? He really seemed to believe that our marriage would survive my midlife marital crisis. And maybe that optimism was contagious, because I was starting to wonder if he was right.
“I know it wouldn’t be perfect, but she’d adjust. And I could help you, so you wouldn’t have to do this on your own.”
“Josh . . .” I didn’t want him getting too far ahead of himself, not when I still felt so uncertain.
He rose and came over to where I was standing. Then he put his arms around my waist. Even as I felt myself soften, my mother’s words ricocheted through my mind: “You know it’s okay to ask for what you want, don’t you?”
She was right. I needed to let him know what was going through my mind. I took a deep breath, then said, “The thing is, Josh, it’ll be hard to have a child and take care of my mother, too.”
I waited to see how this would land. But if he was surprised, he didn’t show it. “Sure, but you’re the most resourceful person I know, Laine. You’d figure it out. We would,” he corrected himself.
My eyes widened. Was he telling me what I thought he was telling me?
“But . . . I thought you weren’t ready?” I was nearly whispering, because I was afraid to find out how he’d respond.
“I’m not yet,” he said. I’d just begun to register my disappointment when he added, “But I will be soon. I’m super close to selling the app.”
I threw my arms around his neck before I could think about what I was doing. “Really? That’s amazing.” I was talking about the app, but, of course, I meant the baby part, too. “Why didn’t you mention that at brunch? Or tell me when I called the other day?”
“I didn’t want to count my chickens—not in front of your family,” he said sheepishly. “And I just figured with everything with your mom going on, you had enough to think about without having to worry about me.”
“Josh . . .” I swallowed hard. “Do you actually want to be a dad?”
He was smiling, but I swear I saw tiny tadpoles of worry swimming in his pupils. “Of course, Laine. I always have. I’ve just been waiting for the right time.”
See? There’s nothing to worry about, I told myself. He can be uncertain and still move forward; after all, isn’t that what you’re doing with Mom and moving back? Anyway, she was right. You could have saved yourself so much heartache by just telling him what you wanted in the first place.
But if all that was true, why did I have the sinking sensation that Josh was just telling me what I wanted to hear?
We were still holding each other when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “To be continued.”
“To be continued,” I said as I watched him head for the door.
Moments later, I heard Kaia’s high-pitched voice, followed by Piper’s, echoing above me. I looked around one more time, almost like I was looking for evidence that our conversation had really happened, then headed upstairs. Piper was perched on the back of the sofa, with Rocco beside her.
“Hey, you two,” I said, hoping I sounded more cheerful than I felt. After all, I was getting what I wanted! Well, allegedly. Still, why was I trying to look this gift horse in the mouth? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t just let myself enjoy this? “What’s the occasion?”
“You, silly!” said Piper, leaning in for an air-kiss. Kaia and Jae were circling the room—probably trying to figure out where it was safe to sit, as my mother had left the contents of the newspaper all over the sofa, one of her robes on the chair, and mysteriously, a houseplant in the center of the love seat. “I just picked Rocco up from Levi’s, and since we weren’t far, I thought I’d swing by so you could see your nephew.”
“Who, for the record, is giant! Hey, big man,” I greeted Rocco, who was at least two inches taller than when I’d seen him in the winter. “What’s your mom feeding you these days? Steroids?”
He chuckled. “Hey, Auntie Laine,” he said, giving me an awkward sideways hug. “Happy to see you.”
“You, too, kiddo,” I said, ruffling his hair.
“Piper Anne Francis, is that you?” My mother, who had awoken from her nap, had just come up the stairs. To my relief, she wasn’t wearing anything inappropriate. Instead, she’d changed into a blouse and skirt I’d never seen before. I immediately wondered if she’d bought them online, and if so, for how much. Well, I reasoned, unlike the liquid face-lift and hangers, at least she was actually using these things. But was this my new role—questioner of all my mother’s decisions? If so, I already hated it.
“Hi, Mom,” said Piper.
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” said my mother, and Piper and I immediately glanced at each other.
“I saw you this morning, Mom,” said Piper. “Remember?”
“Oh, that’s right,” my mother said with a tight smile. “I’m just groggy from my nap.”
“You probably slept too long,” said Josh, who’d walked over from the foyer. “Studies show twenty minutes is the sweet spot—any longer and you go into the wrong sleep cycle, which is why you feel lousy when you wake up.”
“Really? I didn’t know that,” said Piper.
He nodded enthusiastically. “That’s one of the things Power Doze will help with.”
“Power Doze?” said my mother.
“That’s the app I’m about to launch,” he said gently, as though we hadn’t already discussed that at brunch. I shot him an appreciative look, and when he smiled at me, warmth spread through my core. He said he needed me, but really—I needed him. No wonder our marriage hadn’t been particularly rewarding lately. I’d not been appreciating him at all, not like I should have been.
“Oooh! I knew about the relaxation feature, but I didn’t realize it had timing optimization, too,” said Piper, who immediately began rattling off a bunch of things about circadian rhythms and “leveraging” caffeine. She seemed genuinely interested, and now I felt twice as guilty; why hadn’t I asked those questions?
“Laine?” said Josh.
I must have been lost in thought, because my head jerked up when I heard my name. “What’s that?”
“I was just saying that I was thinking of making dinner,” he said. “Your mom has stuff for pasta, and I bought a loaf of bread earlier.”
But Josh never cooked. “Really?” I said, unable to hide my surprise.
“I mean, I’ve been trying to learn a few new things,” he said with a hint of pride.
And suddenly I saw it: he may not have called that therapist yet, but he was trying to do better; to be a better husband. And maybe, just maybe, he was getting ready to be a dad, too.
“That sounds great,” I said sincerely. “Thank you.”
“Course,” he said.
“We’re not staying for dinner, but I’ll help if you want,” said Piper. “I’m not half bad with a sharp knife and frying pan.”
Josh laughed. “Just don’t use either on me, okay?”
“Deal,” she said. “Anyway, that’ll give Laine a chance to spend some time with the kids.”
I had actually been thinking that I wanted to spend time with Josh and check out his new culinary skills, but who was I to argue about hanging out with my niece and nephews, who I hadn’t seen in nearly half a year?
“Perfect.” I turned to Rocco. “I know you’re pretty grown-up, but how do you feel about helping me take these two to the park?” I said, directing a thumb toward Jae and Kaia.
“I can do that,” he said with a grin.
Kaia had to use the bathroom first, and then I did, too, and it was another ten minutes before I was able to hustle all three kids to the front door. We were about to leave when I heard Josh and Piper laughing in the kitchen. It was a good sound—one that reminded me of past holidays and family celebrations, when the two of them often ended up following one tangent to another, then another. And Josh—well, he looked . . . really happy.
And suddenly I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks. Here I’d been thinking about how he hadn’t provided me with what I wanted.
But what if I hadn’t been giving him what he wanted, either?
EIGHTEEN