Moments later, Hadley poked her head into the room, and I told her to get Piper so we could all talk.
Now my mother was sitting beside me on the sofa, and Hadley had just handed her a mug of coffee. Piper took one of the two velvet armchairs across from the sofa, and Josh was in the other. It struck me that Topper hadn’t joined us, even though he and Hadley had been married nearly as long as Josh and I had. Then again, I reminded myself, he didn’t have the same kind of relationship with my mother that Josh had.
“Oh my,” said my mother, looking around the room. “I just . . . didn’t see this coming. You all being here means you think it’s serious.”
“No,” I fibbed. “It’s only a doctor’s visit. We’ll start there and figure out next steps after.”
“Well . . .” said Hadley, taking a seat on the other side of my mother. “Did you three talk about living arrangements?”
My mother’s head shot up. “Living arrangements? What do you mean?”
“You need help, Mom,” said Piper. “Someone to keep an eye on you.”
“Like a child?” she said. I could only remember a handful of times my mother had gotten really angry with us as children, and her cloudy expression warned that she was on the verge of going there again. “If you’re talking about a nursing home, I’ll let you know that I’ll walk into the Gowanus before that happens. I won’t do it.”
“That’s not what we’re talking about,” I said. Not yet, I added silently.
“Mom, there is one possibility the four of us have been talking about . . .” Hadley began.
I stared at my sister over my mother’s head. I haven’t said yes yet! I thought with irritation.
Hadley either didn’t see me or chose to ignore me. “And that’s having Laine come live with you. Not as a babysitter,” she said pointedly. “Just so she could help you when you needed it.”
“Laine?” said my mother. She placed her hand on mine. “Are you really willing to move to New York? I know how much you and Josh love Ann Arbor.”
Now Josh and I looked at each other. She couldn’t seem to remember we were getting divorced—and who could blame her? He was here, with me, and we were acting like we always did.
“Mom,” I said carefully, “I don’t know if Josh would be moving in with me. We’re separated, remember?”
Her face twisted up. “Oh,” she said after a moment. “That’s right. So you need your own space. Well,” she said, brightening suddenly, “you could take the upstairs apartment, Laine! I’d be happy to rent it to you for far below market value. Maybe I can even figure out some way to let you use it for free.”
Hadley was smiling at me now. I knew that smile; it meant she thought everything was settled. “Topper and I have talked, and since Mom uses the rental income to pay for property taxes, and Laine, you’re . . . transitioning,” she said tactfully, “we’re willing to chip in for your rent to make sure that this isn’t a financial difficulty for you or Mom.”
So I would be a nearly thirty-eight-year-old woman being subsidized by her sister. I wanted to feel grateful—I really did. After all, this would make it easier to afford to have a child, and it wouldn’t be forever.
But I don’t want to, I thought.
This isn’t about what you want, argued another voice within me. This is about doing what’s right.
All eyes were on me now, and I could feel heat rising to my face. Hadley and Piper were all but on the edge of their seats, eager to hear me say I’d ease their burden. And Josh—well, I couldn’t exactly blurt out the real reason I couldn’t help my mother, because then he’d have to admit, right there in front of everyone, that he really didn’t want to do this whole dad thing—except he wouldn’t actually do that. Instead, he’d say, “Laine, it’s okay—I’m finally ready!” Because if I knew one thing, it was how important it was for him to be a good guy, especially when it came to my family. He wouldn’t realize he’d made the right choice for the wrong reason until it was already too late.
I wondered if I was about to make that same mistake, too.
Then I turned to my mother, who looked incredibly childlike as she awaited the decision that we—I—was about to make on her behalf. And it hit me: here I was thinking about how best to serve a child that was wholly hypothetical.
But my mother? She was real. She needed me now. And hadn’t I just admitted that this wouldn’t be forever? I could live with her for six months, a year; maybe eighteen months tops. After all, it took nine months to gestate a child, and that wasn’t including however long it would take to actually get pregnant. While I was lining up my future, I’d give her a chance to enjoy the present.
I swallowed hard and plastered a smile on my face. “Okay,” I announced. “I’ll do it. I’ll move back.”
SIXTEEN
SALLY
My Laine, coming to live with me! How wonderful, how very lucky. I wasn’t one of those mothers who expected her children to stay in the nest forever. I urged my girls to be independent, the way my mother had with me. But I suppose I thought that Laine would eventually return to New York; if not following college, then after sowing some of her wild oats in the Midwest. After all, this is where the rest of us are. Yet she never did. But now she and Josh are willing to take the upstairs apartment, lend me a hand. My heart could burst just thinking of it.
It almost makes up for the fact that my own daughters know what’s happening to me. They didn’t have to say what comes next; I know all too well that I could go right into a home. I’ll need to work harder at this. Think before I speak. Maybe a note beside the front door to check what I’m wearing. A few safeguards. And Laine . . . well, she won’t make such a big deal when she sees me slipping. She’ll help me along so they don’t have to put me away quite so fast.
Except, she seems upset. Not at me—she gave me a teary hug at . . . Hadley’s. Piper’s? Persian rug. Oil painting. Yes, Hadley’s. Said she wanted to do this, was excited to spend more time with me. But her shoulders were stiff as she stole glances at Josh as he wove through traffic to get us back to Brooklyn.
Now, Josh, he sounded like his same old easygoing self as he told me all about his new business, whatever that is. Laine, though—her words were curt. Clipped. Especially when she was speaking to him. It might have been the least pleasant ride I’ve ever been on, and Piper once threw up three times on the train on the way to see Hank’s cousin in Connecticut.
Well, all couples have their moments. Certainly Hank and I had our troubles. I still don’t know exactly what we did to get past them, except to keep going. That’s what the vows say, don’t they? Through good times and bad. Then death did us part, and that’s when the guilt really set in. I’d owed him more than I’d given him. And he’d owed me more, too. No one tells you how fast it all flies by. Well, I suppose they do, but by the time you realize it’s a cliché for a reason, you’ve already missed the moment. And yet there is joy there, even if it doesn’t go as planned. A shared history. A life. Children.
A baby. Of course. That’s probably what Laine is thinking about. Both of her sisters have beautiful families of their own, and I see the way she looks longingly at Asher and Ainsley. She’s ready; I can tell.
Oh, I thought suddenly. But Josh never talked about being a father. And of all the things he mentioned when we were in the living room discussing their move to New York, he didn’t once say anything about children. Was that what this was about?
Before long, we were home, and Josh dropped me and Laine off in front of the apartment while he went to park. Once we were inside, I sat on the sofa and patted the spot beside me. “Laine, love, come sit.”
She kicked off her sneakers and walked over. She was trying to put on a brave face; I could tell.