That’s kind of major. I don’t deal with that sort of thing. It’s not the norm.
“I’ve never had that happen to me before,” I tell him slowly, overly pronouncing each word like he’s a little kid and can’t understand.
“Welcome to my world, baby,” he says with a grin, trying to grab me yet again, but I dodge away from his hands.
“No, that’s bullshit. I had to go to Adney’s office. She told me if Rylie and I get into a physical fight, I could get suspended.” I stare at him incredulously while he chews on a hangnail. “That kind of thing never happens to me, Ash.”
“You said that already.” He studies his hands, doesn’t even bother looking at me. “Happens to me all the time.”
“And you’re okay with it?” My voice is shrill, and I tell myself to calm down.
“I’m used to it.” He pauses. “Clearly you’re not okay with it.”
“I’m not. Not at all. Rylie scared me. She pushed me. If my coach hadn’t shown up when she did, I think Rylie would’ve started fighting me.”
“She’s a complete bitch. Fuck that chick.” He waves a dismissive hand. “What did you tell her anyway?”
“I didn’t tell her anything. She talked like she knew what happened between us last night. She accused me of fucking her boyfriend.” I narrow my eyes, studying him. “You didn’t talk to her, did you?”
“Hell no. Why would you even ask that question? Are you accusing me of telling her about us? Why the hell would I do that?” His voice starts to rise, and I can tell I’m making him angry.
This is getting out of control quick. I’m not used to this sort of thing. Ben and I rarely, if ever, fought. I haven’t really had any other boyfriends besides Ben. My parents don’t argue. I don’t even argue with my friends. The only person I fight with is…
The boy standing in front of me.
“I’m not accusing you of anything,” I say slowly, again like I’m talking to a child. “I just don’t know how she knew about us.”
“She’s just guessing, and she guessed right. That’s all. No need to be paranoid.” He goes to the closet and pulls a T-shirt off a hanger, tugging it on. “Ignore her. She’s just pissed because I told her I didn’t like her like that anymore. She’s the one who’s making a bigger deal over it, and we weren’t even officially together.”
“Try telling her that,” I say.
“She’ll get over it. They always do.”
The question pops out of my mouth before I even have a chance to think about it. “Did you have sex with her?”
He goes still, then turns to face me. “What?”
“You know what I said.” I cross my arms, waiting for him to answer.
He at least has the decency to look embarrassed. His cheeks turn a ruddy color and he rubs the back of his neck, his gaze downcast. “Maybe.”
A big sigh escapes me as my shoulders slump. “Really, Ash? You two were only together a few weeks!”
“We messed around a little bit, that’s it. It was never anything serious. I don’t know how many times I need to say that.” When I glare at him, he glares right back. “What did you expect? Me to act like a monk while you’re off with Ben for a fucking year?”
“Ben and I never did anything!”
“How was I supposed to know that?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I told you?” My chest hurts, and I feel like I could start crying. Which is so stupid because it’s no big deal, right? So Ash had sex with Rylie Altman. So what. He’s probably had sex with lots of girls at our school. But I’m special. I’m the one he’s always wanted. I’m the one he really cared about.
Even in my head it sounds like a giant load of shit.
“I didn’t believe you, okay? I figured you were just saying that to make me feel better.” He’s rubbing the back of his neck so hard he’s making the skin red. “It meant nothing.”
“What meant nothing?”
“Sex with Rylie. Sex with any girl I’ve been with before.” He blows out a frustrated breath and runs his hands through his hair, making a mess of it. “I’m not perfect. I never said I was.”
“I’m not perfect either,” I say, my voice small.
“Yeah, well, you damn well act like it. Autumn Callahan, the pretty little princess. Adored by her daddy, loved by her mama. Captain of the cheer team, vice president of the senior class. Gets good grades and never let the dirty boy touch her until last night. Now look at you, you’re gonna cry all because I had sex with some dumb chick who’s now pissed off and ready to fight you. So what!” And with that, Ash storms out of the room.
The tears come the second he leaves and I collapse on the edge of the bed, burying my face in my hands. I feel so stupid. So, so stupid. I thought I mattered. I thought he cared about me.
I guess not.
Twenty-Five
We don’t talk for the rest of the night. He doesn’t come to the table when Mom calls that dinner’s ready, and I know he gets away with it because Dad is at the team dinner along with Jake. I’d bet money Ash would never disrespect my father.
Yet he’ll disrespect me. No surprise.
During dinner, Beck never shuts up, as usual, and Ava constantly argues with him, which has Mom coming down on her. I don’t say a word. Just push the food on my plate around with a fork before I ask to be excused.
The sad look Mom sends me tells me she knows I’m upset, and she nods her answer. I’m out of the chair and upstairs within seconds, vomiting what little food I had in my stomach into the toilet, crying and gasping the whole time.
God, I really hate throwing up.
I really hate boys too.
I brush my teeth and then take a shower and cry. I blowdry my hair and cry a little more. It’s not even nine o’clock and I’m in bed, the lights off, my phone plugged in and sitting on my bedside table, forgotten. I don’t want to talk to anyone or scroll Instagram or watch people’s stories. And I sure as hell don’t want to watch TikTok videos to try to put me in a good mood.
Forget that. I want to wallow in my sadness and curse Asher Davis’s existence under my breath.
I finally drift off to sleep and my dreams are terrible. Rylie punching me in the face and there’s nothing I can do to stop her. She keeps hitting me until my eye is a slit and I can’t really see. Then it switches to me at a football game, but I’m not cheering. I’m sitting in the stands as I watch Rylie run out onto the football field after a game, hugging Ash close while he stares at me the entire time. He mouths the words it could’ve been you, and that’s enough to jolt me wide awake.
Only to find Ash sitting on the side of my bed, his hand curled around my shoulder, trying to wake me up.
“What are you doing in my room?” I scoot away from him and his hand falls from my shoulder. I try my best to breathe evenly to calm my racing heart, but it’s so difficult when he’s right there, especially after my shitty dream.
I don’t want him in my room, on my bed. I’m still mad at him.
Yet my skin prickles with awareness when he touches the side of my face, his roughened fingertips skimming my cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “So damn sorry, Autumn. I didn’t mean to fuck this up.”
That is the first time I’ve ever heard him say those words, and I hate this, but I don’t know if I can believe him. “You’re sorry for what?” I ask warily.
For lying to me?
For being mean to me?
For kissing me?
For fingering me?
There are all sorts of things he could be sorry about.
“For yelling at you earlier. For not understanding where you’re coming from.” He shakes his head, his hand curling into a fist. “I’m fucked up, Callahan. You know this.”
“No you’re not—” I start to say, but he pounds the mattress with his fist, startling me, and I go quiet.
“Yes, I am. I’m a complete piece of shit and you know it.” His breathing is ragged, like he’s just run five miles, and I realize he’s extremely upset. More upset than I thought he was. “I’m not worthy of you, and I know it. You know it too. I don’t know what the fuck you see in me, or why you like me so much. We shouldn’t work together.”