I had a flashback, suddenly, to being at the top of the stairs and watching Caroline come down after a night out, then have to make her way to the living room, where my mom was always waiting to begin a "discussion." It was always a bit tense, that feeling of certain friction to come in the air. Kind of like this.
I came over and sat down on the couch. The sunlight was slanting through the window, bright and piercing, and in it I felt especially exposed, as if every little flaw, from my mussed hair to my chipped toenail polish, was especially noticeable. I wanted to scoot over to the chair or the ottoman, but thought this would attract even more attention. So I stayed where I was.
"So," my mother said, "how was work yesterday?"
"Good." She was looking at me, waiting for more, so I said, "Fun. It was a prewedding thing, which means everyone's either all hung over from the rehearsal dinner or freaking out about last-minute details. This time, it was both. So it was a little crazy. And then, you know, we had this whole thing with the crepes catching on fire, but that really wasn't our fault. Entirely."
My mother was looking at me with an expression of polite but detached interest, as if I were describing the culture of a foreign country she would never visit in a million years. "Well," she said, "you certainly have been putting in a lot of hours catering lately."
"Not that many," I said. Then, realizing I sounded defensive—did I sound defensive?—I added, "I mean, it's just been busy the last couple of weeks because Delia's booked a lot of jobs before the baby comes. Pretty soon I won't have anything to do, probably."
My mother slid the magazine off her lap and onto the couch. "You'll still have the info desk, though," she said. "Right?"
"Oh, yeah, right," I said, too quickly. "I mean, yes. Of course."
A pause. Too long of a pause for my taste.
"So how is the library?" she said finally. "You hardly mention it anymore."
"It's okay. Just, you know, the same." This was definitely the truth. My days at the library had not improved at all in the last few weeks. The difference was it just bothered me less. I put in my time, avoided Bethany and Amanda as much as possible, and got out of there the minute the big hand hit three. "It's work. If it was fun, they'd call it fun, right?"
She smiled, nodding. Uh-oh, I thought. I just knew there was something coming. I was right.
"I was out for a lunch meeting yesterday, and I saw Mrs. Talbot," she said now. "She told me that Jason is really enjoying the Scholars' Retreat he's on this summer."
"Really," I replied, reaching up to smooth my part again.
"She also said," she continued, crossing her legs, "that Jason told her you two are taking a break from your relationship for the summer."
Oh, great, I thought. "Um, yeah," I said. "I mean, yes."
For a second, it was so quiet I could hear the refrigerator humming. I remembered these awkward pauses from Caroline's homecomings, as well. It was now, in the empty spaces between accusations and defenses, that I had always wondered what, exactly, was happening.
"I was surprised," she said finally, "that you didn't mention it to me. She said this happened weeks ago."
"Well, it is just a break," I told her, trying to make my voice sound cheery, confident. "We're going to talk as soon as he gets back. We both just thought for now it was the best thing to do."
My mother put her hands in her lap, folding them around each other, and leaned forward slightly. I knew that stance. I'd seen it at a million sales cocktails. She was moving in. "I have to say, Macy," she began, and I felt something inside me start to deflate slightly, "that I'm a little bit concerned about you right now."
"Concerned?" I said.
She nodded, keeping her eyes on me. "You've been out an awful lot of nights lately with your new friends. You're working so many hours catering that I fear you're not giving your full attention to the library job, which is your most important commitment in terms of your college transcript."
"I haven't missed a single day there," I told her.
"I know you haven't. I'm just…" she trailed off, glancing out the window. Now the sun was on her face, and I could immediately make out tiny lines around her eyes, how tired she looked. Not for the first time, I felt a stab of worry, totally overreacting I knew, that maybe she was pushing herself too hard. I hadn't noticed with my dad. Neither of us had. "This coming year is so important for you, in terms of college and your future. It's crucial that you do well on your SATs and are focused on your classes. Remember how you told me you wanted to be working toward preparing for those goals this summer?"
"I am," I said. "I've been studying my words and taking practice tests online."
Another glance out the window. Then she said, "You've also been spending nights out with your friend Christine—"
"Kristy," I said.
"—as well as a bunch of other new friends I haven't met and don't know." She looked down at her hands, folding and unfolding them in her lap. "And then I hear this about you and Jason. I just wonder why you didn't feel like you could tell me about that."