Chapter Seven
Another year went by. Life gradually settled back to its normal routine after my father’s first appearance, and if I was a little quieter no one seemed to notice, not even Nick. But then, I hadn’t seen much of Nick lately. When he’d first gone to work at the garage, he’d lived almost exclusively in his room in the barn. That continued through the winter I was in eleventh grade and on into the summer. Now, inexplicably, he began staying at the salvage yard again and rarely showed up at the farm.
I didn’t think too much about it at first. Other things occupied my mind. My eighteenth birthday had come and gone, I had a father I was trying to become accustomed to, and I was a senior that year. On top of that, Hugh had stepped up his campaign to get me to go out with him.
Hugh was a nice looking young man, tall and well-built with his mother’s thick, light brown hair and his father’s green eyes. He was popular, too, and could have had his choice of any of the girls in town even without his family’s money backing him up.
Although she’d never admitted it, I think Jenna had a mad crush on him during most of our school years. But I suspected that his family, like mine, was pushing him to date me. Helena Morgan had very definite ideas about who was suitable for her son, and I was on the top of her list. If she’d known the circumstances of my birth she might have changed her mind, but as far as anyone but a handful of people knew, my father was merely my mother’s ex-husband.
All in all, I was simply tired of telling Hugh “no” every thirty minutes. That’s why, a month into my final year of school, I decided it was time for Nick and me to bring our relationship into the open. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted the entire world to know I loved him.
It had been two weeks since I’d last seen him and I didn’t know when he’d be back in his room. Not willing to wait, I headed for the garage as soon as school was out that afternoon. I parked the Chevy on the far side of the air pump so it wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and headed for the work bay. I never made it.
I had only taken a few steps when I saw him. He was in back of the building, old worn-out tires scattered around him in haphazard piles, and he wasn’t alone. Lindsey was with him. I could have ignored that if it weren’t for their postures, but the way they were standing brought me to a sudden halt.
Lindsey’s face was lifted to his, and Nick was looking down at her, his expression intense while he talked to her in a low gentle voice I could hear, but not understand.
His hand curled around her nape in a possessive way that even I couldn’t miss, his thumb moving over her cheek. Lindsey’s body curved toward his as if drawn by 64
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magnetic forces beyond her control. And just like that, I knew why he hadn’t been coming to the farm. I was only surprised I hadn’t realized it until now.
Coming as it did, while I was still wrestling with having a father in my life and dealing with the changes in my relationship with Mama, it was too much for me to take.
I didn’t get mad, or jealous, or throw a fit. My emotions simply shut down until all I felt was blessed numbness. I can only imagine that’s what Nick saw when he looked up abruptly, his eyes meeting mine.
I turned around, got back in the car, and left. If Nick made any attempt to stop me, I didn’t hear it and wouldn’t have listened if I had. Couldn’t listen. But I don’t think he did.
Once home, I went straight to the phone and dialed Hugh’s number. Still reacting, not thinking. Anything to keep from thinking.
My voice was calm when he answered. “Hugh? It’s Alix. Do you still want to go to the movies tomorrow night?” I listened while he said yes. “Great. Pick me up about six-thirty.”
If Nick thought I’d confront him about what I’d seen, demand an explanation like I would have a year ago, he was wrong. I couldn’t seem to make myself care enough to bother. For the next three months I moved on autopilot. I ate, I went to school, I studied like I never had before, and I dated Hugh every time he asked me. Gradually, people began to link our names together like they always do with couples. It was Alix and Hugh, never simply Alix alone, or Hugh alone. People started to take it for granted that we’d be married as soon as we graduated, and the only one who wasn’t thrilled was Piggy Treece. She’d always thought she and Hugh were meant for each other and she didn’t appreciate my interference. She and her friends did their best to start nasty rumors about me, but it’s hard to wound someone who doesn’t care, and they finally gave it up.
Hugh never took more liberties than a goodnight kiss while we were together. He was a friend, first and foremost, and I think he suspected that something wasn’t quite right. He treated me like I was some rare and fragile egg that might shatter if he held me wrong. Who knows? Maybe he was right.
On Christmas, we spent most of the day together, first with my family for dinner, then with his for supper. He gave me a beautiful charm bracelet adorned with a multitude of tiny, delicate charms. I gave him a plaque with his name embossed on the front and the words “Vice President” etched underneath to put on his desk when he started working with his father. His family got a big kick out of it, but I think they were all secretly pleased at my faith in Hugh.
It had been a nice day, one more day I’d managed to get through without collapsing. And if I’d had to shove aside the memory of a necklace with a broken heart dangling from the end when Hugh gave me my gift, I managed that, too.
It was late when he took me home, and colder than usual for this time of year. This far south we rarely had a white Christmas, but the taste of snow drifted on the air.
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Hugh put his arm around me as he walked me to the door, then kissed me, a long, slow kiss that left me totally unmoved. When it was over he lifted a hand to my cheek.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight, Alix.”
“Goodnight.” I stood with my hand on the door, watching as he pulled out of the drive, his taillights flaring red in the steam from the car’s exhaust as he slowed for a curve. Not until he was out of sight did I glance at the silent figure hidden by the deep shadows of a corner porch post.
“What do you want, Nick?”
He shifted restlessly before he spoke. “Do you love him?” His voice sounded raw, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
I wasn’t expecting him to move so fast, or to grab me so desperately. “It is my business, damn it, and you know it! For God’s sake, Alix, scream at me, cuss me out, take a swing at me, but don’t ignore me anymore.”
“Ignore you?” I tilted my head and studied him. “Let me see. The last time I saw you, you were practically making love to Lindsey in broad daylight, right out in public.
No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t ignore you.”
“It wasn’t what it looked like, I swear.”
“Right. That’s why you tried so hard to find me and explain what you were really doing.” His hands gripped my arms, fingers flexing in an unconscious rhythm.
“Would you have believed me?”
“No, and I don’t believe you now.”
“Have I ever lied to you before?”
“For all I know, everything you’ve ever told me was a lie.” I tried to pull away from him, but he hung on tighter.
“It wasn’t a lie.”
“Why did you wait until now if it weren’t true?” At least he had the grace to look down. “I didn’t plan on talking to you tonight, but I had to make sure you were all right. God, Alix, I’ve been going crazy. I know you don’t love him, no matter what you say, but everyone’s talking about how you’re going to marry him after you graduate. Please, hate me if you have to, never speak to me again, but don’t settle for someone you don’t love because I hurt you.” The pain on his face was etched starkly in the moonlight, and I couldn’t help myself. God help me, I started to doubt what I’d seen with my own eyes and something inside me that had been frozen began to melt.
“Why were you with her like that, Nick?”
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He took a deep, shaky breath. “She’s been having some problems. I’ve been helping her. That’s all it is.”
“What kind of problems?”
“Personal ones.” He hesitated. “I can’t tell you what they are, Alix, any more than I’d talk about what you tell me to her.” He released me and stepped back. “I shouldn’t have come. I can’t expect you to believe me when it’s something I can’t explain.”
“Wait.” I followed him to the steps. “I asked you once if you’d ever made love to anyone before. You said no. Can you still tell me that, Nick?” He turned, his lower position on the stairs putting us at eye level. “Yes.” I searched his face for any sign that he was telling me the truth, and I thought I saw it. I wanted to see it because it hurt too much to keep believing he had betrayed me.
When I closed the distance between us, all the pain and anger I’d been bottling up inside flooded into the kiss I gave him. All the long months of wanting him and thinking I’d never have him again. All the love I’d tried so hard to kill without a shred of success.
And we both went up in flames.
His arms fastened around me convulsively and his voice held a frantic note when he moaned my name.
“Your room,” I whispered.
Neither of us was quite sane as his mouth came down on mine again, and I was barely aware that he’d lifted me into his arms and was moving around the house toward the barn. He must have been in there earlier because the electric stove was still on, the room warm and comfortable. In its glow, Nick put me on the narrow bed and followed me down, his body covering mine, and for the first time in three long months, I felt alive again.
Our movements were rapid and jerky as we rid ourselves of the hindering barriers presented by our clothes, punctuated by more kisses and desperate caresses. But when we were finally bare, our movements slowed. Now that the moment was here, we wanted to take our time and savor it.
Nick’s eyes turned to molten lead when he leaned on an elbow and gazed down at me. “So beautiful,” he whispered. “So damn beautiful.” He ran a hand softly down my body and I arched under his touch like a cat. “Please, don’t be afraid.”
“I’m not,” I said, realizing it was true. I’d been doing some looking of my own and was mildly surprised at his size and a bit curious to see if his erection felt as hard as it appeared, but I wasn’t afraid.
Ours was a voyage of sweet discovery that night, and we spent endless hours exploring all the secret, foreign places we’d longed to visit. And we taught each other what pleased us, hands guiding hands, then returning to tease the last place they’d found. By the time Nick’s weight pressed me into the bed we were mindless with shared pleasure. He entered me with one hard lunge and then froze, his lips raining 67
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kisses of apology over my face. But the pain, while sharp, wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be, gone before I had more than registered it, and then forgotten when he began to move again. Immediately an indefinable something began to build inside me and I clutched Nick tightly, surging toward a goal I’d never known existed. When I reached it, I cried out, shattering into a million splinters of light. Nick’s groan of pleasure sounded hard on the heels of my own, his body going stiff as he found release.
For a few minutes neither of us moved while our breathing returned to normal. I felt drugged, my entire body heavy with a delicious lassitude I didn’t want to end. But suddenly Nick began to shake. Tremor after tremor rippled over him. Alarmed, I shifted, trying to see what was happening, but he rolled to the side and clutched me tightly, his face buried in my hair.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice harsh and full of pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, to hurt you this way.”
“Stop it,” I ordered softly, my fingers moving through his hair. “You didn’t hurt me. What happened tonight happened because I wanted it every bit as much as you did. It was beautiful, Nick. Don’t turn it into something ugly. You aren’t your father.
You could never do the things he does.”
“But I don’t have anything to offer you. I don’t even have my own place to live.”
“Someday you will. And for now, I’ve got you. That’s all that matters to me.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” he murmured. “I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I felt hollow, like part of me had been ripped out.” His shaking finally eased to periodic spasms. “I swear, Alix, someday I’ll make you proud to be seen with me.”
“I already am. And I’m tired of hiding. I’m going to tell Hugh that I can’t see him anymore, that I love you.”
It was so long before he answered that I wondered if he’d fallen asleep. Abruptly, he sat up on the edge of the bed. Elbows on his knees, he rubbed his face with both hands. “You can’t.”
“Why not?” I was confused and a little hurt by his refusal.
He dropped his hands and turned to look at me, his gaze running over my face as though he wanted to memorize every detail. “Because the mess with Lindsey isn’t over yet, and until it is…”
“Until it is, you don’t want anyone to know about us.”
“Yes. I have an idea but she’s fighting it, and I don’t know how long it will take to convince her.”
“I don’t understand why this is your problem, Nick.” His expression turned grim. “Believe me, it is. I know it’s asking a lot, and if you don’t think you can handle it, I’ll try to understand. But I don’t have any choice in this, Alix.” He took a deep breath. “It’s important that people…think I’m seeing Lindsey.”
“You want me to keep dating Hugh.” It wasn’t a question. I knew that’s what he was getting at in his round-about way.
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“Yes.”
“That’s not fair, Nick. Not to us or Hugh.”
“God, don’t you think I know that? It’s why I tried so hard to stay away from you.”
“What about us?”
His hand moved to my cheek, traced it gently. “I can’t give you up again. It would kill me.”
Because I loved him so much, I had to trust him. “How long will it take?”
“I wish I knew, but I can’t give you a time frame. It could be a week, or it could be months. Can you live with that?”
I caught his hand and pressed it more tightly to my cheek. “I’ll have to, because I can’t give you up either. We’ll work it out somehow.”
“I don’t know I got lucky enough to have someone like you,” he whispered. “But I’m so glad I did.”
We made love again after that, then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Nick woke me before daylight so I could slip up to my bed unnoticed, but I almost didn’t make it. We couldn’t seem to let go of each other after our night together and ended up making love yet again.
When we were both dressed, he shut off the heater and walked me to the door, lingering for a long, tender kiss as the first pale echo of light tinged the horizon. I had just settled into my bed when I heard Aunt Darla, always an early riser, make her way to the bathroom. With a sigh of relief at the near miss, I snuggled down and went to sleep, dreaming about the next time I’d be alone with Nick.
In retrospect, I’m amazed no one noticed the change in me. I started laughing again, and I stayed in a rosy fog of happiness that made me absent-minded and forgetful. On the nights I had a date with Hugh, I’d come home to find Nick waiting, leaning against the side of the house in the shadows. Together we’d walk to his room, so eager to be alone again that we’d barely make it through the door before we were tugging each other’s clothes off.
On the nights I didn’t have a date, I’d wait impatiently by my window, watching for the light to come on in his room. He never showed up before midnight, and I never asked him what he’d been doing. I just accepted that he was here now, more than likely lying on the bed naked and ready for me. The thought of his glorious body, so strong and well muscled, was enough to have me sneaking down the stairs, running through the darkness to be with him, excitement making my heart race. Every time, he’d smile at me and hold out his arms.
“What took you so long?” he’d ask.
We were like two children who had discovered a new and exotic toy. One second we’d be serious and intent, the next, laughing and giggling helplessly. And we loved each other. God, how we loved each other. There were times when we’d do nothing but kiss for hours on end, wallowing in our feelings.
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There were only a few flies in the ointment during those wonderful months. One was Hugh. While I’d never love him the way I did Nick, I had come to care about him a great deal. I didn’t want to hurt him and I felt guilty for using him.
The other was Lindsey. I hated seeing her with Nick. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. The first time was on a Friday evening. Hugh had picked me up for our regular date, but that particular night he stopped at Hawkins for gas on our way to the movies.
Nick was still there, and Mr. Viders, our school principal, was in the office, waiting on him to finish changing the oill in his car. And while Nick worked, Lindsey sat on a stack of tires behind him, her gaze locked on his every movement. Her little brother was on her lap, as silent as she was.
“Want a soda?”
I jerked my attention back to Hugh and smiled. “Sure.” We climbed out of the car as Nick headed in our direction, but I stopped. The gas cap was on my side and I was hoping to get a moment alone with Nick.
“Hey, Nick.” Hugh greeted him as they met. “How’s it going?”
“Fine. Fill it up?”
“Please.” Hugh went into the office and I could see him talking to Mr. Viders.
My gaze went back to Lindsey. She was still watching Nick as though her life depended on keeping him in sight. And it hurt. As much as I tried to fight it, it hurt.
The rattle of the gas nozzle drew me, and I glanced around. He was standing as close to me as possible without making it too obvious.
“Don’t look like that,” he begged, his voice low.
“It’s hard seeing you with her, Nick.”
“I know.” Beneath the window where no one could see, his fingers curled around mine and squeezed. “Every time he kisses you goodnight I want to strangle him.” We shared a long look full of sympathy and understanding. “Are you coming over tonight?” I finally asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I slipped my hand from his when the bell over the office door rang.
Hugh gave me an odd look as he paid Nick for the gas, and I braced myself for questions. But he didn’t ask any, merely handed me my soda and opened the car door for me before climbing in on the driver’s side.
Later that night, after Nick and I made love, I broached the subject of Lindsey again.
Nick looked so tired that it suddenly hit me how little sleep he must be getting. He worked all day, then spent the evenings with Lindsey until he came to me after midnight. He didn’t show up every night, but he was there enough to make me worry about him. On those nights he was lucky to get a few hours sleep.
“How much longer is this going to last?” I asked.
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“I don’t know.” His fingers traced an absentminded path down my arm.
“Sometimes I think I’m making progress, then she’ll just clam up and refuse to talk about it. I feel like I’m beating my head against a brick wall. And…the situation…seems to be getting worse. It’s reached the point where I’m afraid to leave her alone for a single minute.”
It was the closest he’d ever come to telling me what was going on, and I realized he wouldn’t have said that much if he hadn’t been so tired he couldn’t think straight. He must have known the same thing, because instantly he shut up.
I snuggled closer and wrapped my arms around him. “Go to sleep,” I whispered.
With a yawn, he did just that, but I stayed awake the rest of the night, driving myself crazy wondering why he was afraid for Lindsey. What could possibly happen to her when she rarely left her home? And from what I’d seen, when she did go out it was always with Nick.
Of course, I solved nothing that night. I only prayed that Nick would feel enough confidence in me to tell me everything when it was over. Neither of us knew that it wouldn’t be over for many long years, or that Frank Anderson would wind up dead, lying in a pool of blood on the grimy floor of his trailer.
I did, however, realize I might have a big problem of my own when I walked into the kitchen a few weeks later and found my mother and Helena Morgan huddled over a spring catalogue. They were talking in excited whispers that came to a screeching halt when I strolled through the door. Both of them looked up and gave me patently fake smiles of pure innocence.
“Okay, where is it?” I demanded.
Mama arched an eyebrow. “Where’s what, Dear?”
“The body. When two people look like you two do, there has to be a body involved.”
“Nonsense. We were just…um, looking at the new fashions.”
“That’s right.” Helena nodded eagerly.
“Uh?huh.” I went to the fridge and poured a glass of tea, trying to ignore the fact that they’d decided I was blind and were signaling each other frantically. “Isn’t it a little early in the season to be thinking about spring clothes?” I carried my drink to the table and sat down.
“It’s never too early, Darling.” Helena beamed at me. “And I do so love spring. It makes me think of weddings.”
Uh-oh. This was trouble with a capital T. I forced myself to stay calm. “Really? It makes me think of mosquitoes and storms.”
Right then Aunt Darla came skidding into the room. “It just hit me,” she started excitedly. “Lilacs…oh, Alix. I didn’t know you were here.” The three of them went through another round of facial contortions while my heart sank.
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It was even worse than I’d thought. They were already planning my wedding. To Hugh.
“So tell me, Alix, what’s your favorite time of the year?” Helena inquired.
“Christmas,” I spit out, hoping I could head them off at the pass and buy some time.
“Oh.” Their faces fell, but I knew Nick and I couldn’t put things off much longer without hurting a lot of people.
I did try later that day to prepare Mama. After Helena left I curled up on the couch with a copy of The Heart of Midlothian that I was reading for my honors lit class. It wasn’t long before Mama joined me, picking up a magazine and thumbing through it casually. She stopped on a lipstick ad and studied it as if world peace depended on her picking out the right shade.
“So many choices,” she murmured. “Tell me, Alix, is red still your favorite color?” Carefully, I closed my book and put it on my lap. “Mama, I know what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean? I’m looking at makeup.”
“No, you aren’t. You’re making wedding plans.” I took a deep breath. “Hugh hasn’t asked me to marry him, Mama. And even if he does, I might not say yes. I’m not sure I feel that way about him.”
She looked honestly puzzled. “Of course you’d say yes. Hugh is the only boy you’ve ever dated. Who else would you marry? And Helena says he’s crazy about you.
There’s no doubt he’ll ask.”
I tried a different track. “Did you ever think I would rather go to college than tie myself down with a husband?”
“Well, I suppose if you really wanted to go, you could do both. I’m sure Hugh wouldn’t mind, and it would give you something to occupy your time until the first baby is on the way.”
Mothers. Can’t live with them, can’t hit them over the head with a board. I picked up my book and went back to reading.
The episode may not have reached my mother, but it did have one enormous effect on me. I was scared out of my mind that Hugh was going to pop the question at any second. It reached the point where all he had to do was walk up behind me in the hall at school, and I nearly crawled out of my skin.
Naturally, he noticed my sudden case of nerves. “Is something wrong, Alix?”
“No, of course not. Why would you think anything was wrong?”
“I don’t know.” He arched his eyebrows and noted my position half-in and half-out of my locker, no mean feat, let me tell you. “Call it a hunch,” he said.
I extracted myself and tried on one of those innocent smiles for size. “Honestly, Hugh. Nothing is wrong.”
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“No problems at home?”
“Not a one.”
His eyes narrowed. “Has my mother been bothering you?” Which, of course, let me know she’d been bothering him. I turned my back and gathered the books for my next class. “No.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” I faced him.
“Okay.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “See you tonight? I thought we could go to the basketball game.”
“That’ll be great.” It would also be fairly safe since I couldn’t see him dropping to one knee in the middle of a crowd. Hugh wasn’t an introvert like Nick was, but he wasn’t a showoff either. He would never ask me to marry him in the hall at school, I realized with a spurt of relief. If he ever proposed, it would be in a quietly romantic way.
That thought cheered me somewhat and calmed me down, but it also made me sad.
Lucky me, I’d have to break his heart after he’d gone through elaborate preparations to make me happy.
Or so I thought.
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