Chapter Ten
Resentment is a funny thing. It can sneak up on you for some of the craziest reasons. I suppose its human nature, our way of protecting ourselves emotionally. I’d read enough to know that one of the symptoms of grief was a deep anger at the loved one who’d died, anger that impaired your judgment, made you want to scream and curse because they’d left you. But Nick hadn’t died, and I didn’t realize that I was suffering the symptoms of grief.
Over the weekend it gradually soaked in that I’d married Hugh, that even if Nick showed up at that very second, it would be too late. And as I began to think about that day at the police station, I started to believe a lie. Maybe I had to believe it in order to keep going, to put one foot in front of the other as Aunt Jane had said I must.
Because there was no real reason for Nick and me to be apart. He knew, and I knew, that I would have followed him happily to the ends of the earth and back. But he hadn’t wanted me. The more I thought about it, the deeper my sense of resentment became. It turned into a slow, simmering anger that colored everything I did.
Graduation day dawned bright and sunny, the sky a deep cerulean blue with fluffy cotton-ball clouds decorating the heavens. The temperatures were already hitting the nineties during the day. I’d spent most of Saturday sleeping after the all-nighter Hugh and I had pulled. Sunday, Hugh spent the day with us, and we practiced our graduation speeches on each other. When I asked him where he’d been the day before, he smiled mysteriously and told me, “Making plans for Monday night.” I slipped him my birth certificate so he could take it to the justice of the peace the next day. He gave it back to me Monday when he arrived, and I returned it to Mama’s drawer with no one the wiser.
The ceremony that night went off without a hitch, my family and Hugh’s applauding wildly after our speeches, and again when we were called to receive our diplomas. Afterward, we spent a tearful thirty minutes saying goodbye to our classmates who were leaving, promising to stay in touch. And once again, a sense of unreality descended on me. I’d always envisioned this day with Nick sitting beside my family on the bleachers, smiling down at me proudly. But he’d made it clear he didn’t want me, and I convinced myself he wouldn’t want the baby either.
It’s okay, I promised silently, one hand on my stomach. I want you. We’ll always have each other.
Ian and Helena invited my whole family out to eat at the country club after the ceremony, and I managed to talk Jenna into coming along. I knew her father well enough to understand his idea of a celebration was to park himself in front of the TV for 95
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the evening with lots of beer on hand. Besides, I wanted her with me when Hugh and I broke the news.
We were a noisy bunch that evening as we found our places around the linen covered table. Several different conversations were going on at once, everyone laughing and talking. Hugh had asked me to put my rings on during the drive over, and my stomach was in a knot waiting for someone to notice them. So far, it hadn’t happened, and I tried to keep them hidden under the edge of the table.
My father inadvertently brought on the announcement. He had positioned himself beside my mother, directly across the table from Hugh and me, and the way it happened, I would have sworn he and Hugh arranged it beforehand.
“So, Hugh. Are you going to start work right away, or take a few days off first?” Daddy was surveying the menu when he asked the question.
Hugh casually draped his arm across my shoulders. “I’m going to be taking a few weeks off.”
From the end of the table, Ian’s head came up. “I thought you were going to start tomorrow?”
“No, there are a few more important things I have to take care of first.” Both Ian and Helena frowned, and Ian carefully put his menu down on the table.
“What could be more important than the business?” Hugh glanced at me and smiled. “A honeymoon. We’re leaving later tonight.” He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out an airline folder. Stunned, I took it and glanced at the destination. Hawaii. “I promised Alix we’d go as soon as school was over.”
You could have heard a pin drop from fifty feet away, it got so quiet.
“A honeymoon?” my mother said weakly, one hand covering her heart as she stared at my rings. “You’re already married?”
My stomach knotted at her expression, and regret filled me. I knew how much she’d wanted me to have the big wedding she had never had. “I’m sorry, Mama. We wanted to tell you, but you were so busy planning everything we didn’t have the heart.”
“But when?” Helena stammered.
“February second,” Hugh told her. “We didn’t really want a big wedding, and we didn’t want to wait.”
My father was staring at me as if I’d suddenly developed huge purple spots all over my face, and there was no doubt he’d demand an explanation the first chance he got.
He knew only too well how I felt about Nick, and he wasn’t buying the elopement story for a second.
For that matter, neither was Jenna. To my surprise, her blue eyes were swimming with tears when I glanced at her. Before I could say anything, she jumped to her feet, mumbled an “excuse me”, and darted toward the bathroom.
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Hastily, I shoved my chair back and went after her. She was locked in a stall when I got there. I checked to make sure we were alone.
“Jenna, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
There was the sound of toilet paper tearing away from the roll and a sniff, but no answer.
“Please, I know you’re upset with me, but can’t you be happy for us?”
“Happy?” She half-laughed, half-choked the word out. “Does Hugh know it’s Nick you love?”
“He knows,” I said quietly. “He knows everything.” There was the click of a lock turning and the stall door opened. Jenna faced me.
“Are you really married?”
“Yes. We got married prom night.”
“But why? Why did you marry him when you don’t love him?” I took a deep breath and checked the room once more. “I’m pregnant. Hugh and I had a long talk and I told him the truth about everything. He wanted to marry me anyway, Jenna. He even wants the baby.”
Her face whitened as she stared at me. “You’re using him to give Nick’s bastard a name.”
I stiffened as equal measures of pain and anger ripped through me. I might have expected that sort of reaction from people who didn’t know me well, but not from my best friend.
“Yes, Jenna. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I set the entire thing up to trap Hugh.
And since you so obviously disapprove, don’t feel obligated to continue the pretense of being my friend.” I turned and marched out of the bathroom, my head held high.
Mama, Aunt Darla, and Helena had their heads together, excitedly making plans for a big reception to announce our marriage when I slid into my chair. Hugh arched an eyebrow at me.
“Where’s Jenna?”
“She wasn’t feeling well. I think she went home.” I sat numbly through the rest of the meal, letting Hugh handle our respective families. He managed to convince them not to schedule the party for another few weeks, and insisted that he and I preferred picking out our own furniture when it appeared the families were going to take over that area, too.
Afterward, we barely had enough time to run home and throw some clothes in a suitcase. I was happy I’d avoided Daddy for a while. I didn’t think I could stand another scene like the one with Jenna. Not right now.
Mama dug out a bag of rice while I was packing, and when we left, they pelted us with the white grains. Everyone hugged, Mama cried a little, and the Judge squeezed 97
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me a bit tighter than normal, his eyes damp. When Daddy hugged me I promised him quietly that we’d talk when I got back and told him not to worry.
Once in Hugh’s car, I relaxed a little. “I think they bought it.” I shifted to look at him. “When did you come up with the idea of the trip?”
“Saturday.” He smiled and closed his fingers around my hand. “I figured it would give them a week to calm down and get used to the idea without driving us crazy. I hope Hawaii is okay with you?”
“It sounds wonderful. I’ve never been out of the state before.”
“We went a few times for vacations. It’s a beautiful place.” He glanced at me again.
“Are you going to tell me what really happened with Jenna?” I sighed. “She said I only married you to give Nick’s bastard a name.” His hand tightened on mine. “I’m sorry. You two have been friends for a long time.
She was probably hurt because you didn’t tell her sooner. I’m sure she’ll come around when she has time to think about it.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive her, though. Calling me names was one thing. Calling my baby a bastard was something I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate.
The airport at Jonesboro was a small one, mostly flying commuter planes to bigger cities like Little Rock and Memphis. Ours went to Memphis, where we caught a jet for the islands after a short delay.
We were somewhere over the ocean, Hugh dozing beside me, when it finally hit me exactly what a honeymoon was for. Dear Lord, Hugh wasn’t simply my friend anymore, he was my husband and this was not a game we were playing. For better or worse, we were married and that gave him the right to make love to me.
I’d never wanted anyone but Nick before and the idea of doing with Hugh what I’d only done with the man I loved sent me teetering on the edge of panic. Could I do it? I had to, somehow.
I think that was when I began to delude myself about my new husband, forcing myself to see only what I wanted to see, not what he really was. It was safer that way, and it allowed me to get through the honeymoon with my sanity intact.
In the dim light of the plane, I studied Hugh’s profile. He didn’t look eighteen, I realized. He looked older, maybe mid-twenties. And he was ruggedly handsome, his skin a deep bronze with tiny smile lines around his eyes and mouth. His light brown hair was streaked abundantly with strands of gold.
No, he wasn’t Nick, but Nick was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I had no right to deny Hugh when he’d taken on so readily the responsibility that Nick hadn’t wanted.
Hugh’s eyes opened and he smiled when he realized I was watching him. “What?
Was I snoring?”
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The lines around his eyes deepened when his smile turned into a grin. “I thought you’d never notice.” Carefully, he pulled me into his arms and settled my head on his chest. “Try to get some sleep,” he murmured into my hair. “We won’t land until early in the morning.”
Maybe he really does love me, I thought, amazed. And while I knew I would never experience the all-consuming passion with him that I’d had with Nick, there are more kinds of love than one. I convinced myself that eventually a steady, warm, comforting love would grow between Hugh and me. A love that had the potential to last forever.
And so, without a second thought or a quiver of anxiety, I fell head-first into a fantasy trap of my own making.
When I went to him our first night in Hawaii, I had suppressed all my nervousness and buried my misgivings beneath a veneer of calm. He was lying on the bed in our hotel room, wearing only his jeans, watching TV while I showered. There hadn’t been time to buy any sexy lingerie so I had to make do with my best cotton gown. It didn’t seem to matter to him that I wasn’t dressed in silk and lace, though. His gaze locked on me as soon as I stepped into the room.
“Make love to me,” I whispered.
He swung his feet to the floor and walked across the room to meet me. “Alix, are you sure? I don’t want to rush you.”
“I’m sure.”
Picking me up, he carried me to the bed and made love to me with a skill that left me feeling warm and cared for, if unsatisfied. It was more than I’d expected, and at the time, I believed it would be enough.
That night also let me know that I wasn’t the first person he’d made love to. In a way, that relieved some of my own guilt. I don’t think I could have stood thinking he’d waited for me.
The rest of that week passed in a blur of sand, sun, water and getting to know each other all over again. Hugh always seemed to know when thoughts of Nick would make me sad or upset me. He’d tease me out of my moods until I was laughing with him. He even bought an outrageous flowered shirt for the baby, surprising me with it one evening while we ate dinner in our suite. I think we both hated to board a plane for home and the real world, but it was inevitable.
We went straight to our new house from the airport and discovered our families had been pretty busy in our absence. While they had taken Hugh at his word about the furniture and decorations, they had done everything else. The refrigerator and pantry was stocked to the brim with food, flowers sat on every flat surface, and the phones and utilities had all been turned on. The Judge had even brought over his tiller and plowed up a garden spot at the back of the five acres.
In the master bedroom we found they had disobeyed us in one respect. A large bedroom suite now occupied the space that had been empty the last time we were there, the bed neatly made. There was a note on the pillow and Hugh picked it up.
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It’s better than sleeping on the floor, and if you don’t like it, you can bring it back when you buy a new one.
Love,
Mother
“What do you think?” Hugh asked me. “It was my grandparents’.”
“I love it, Hugh.” I ran a hand over the knotty pine headboard. “It fits the space perfectly.”
“Then we’ll keep it.”
The next few weeks flew by even faster than our honeymoon had. We went a little wild buying things for the house, but Hugh told me not to worry about the money. His grandparents had left him independently wealthy. Both of our families were constant visitors, helping, inspecting and generally offering opinions on everything we did.
My father was first. He showed up at the door bright and early the day after we got back. Hugh took one look at him and excused himself, claiming he had to take a shower. I refrained from mentioning that his hair was still wet from the one he’d just taken.
“Come in, Daddy.” I headed for the kitchen. “I don’t have anything to cook with yet, but we’ve got donuts and instant coffee.”
“I don’t want anything.” He leaned against the counter. “Alix, what’s going on?
How could you marry Hugh when we both know it’s Nick you love?” I braced myself and took a deep breath. “Nick is gone, Daddy, and I’m pregnant.”
“What?” The blood drained from his face.
I faced him. “I’m pregnant.”
“Christ.” He ran a shaky hand over his face. “Does Hugh know?”
“He knows. It was his idea for us to get married. He wants the baby, Daddy.”
“But Nick—”
“Nick didn’t want me,” I interrupted. “He made that pretty clear. He even refused to write.”
“Maybe if he knew about the baby…”
Angrily, I shook my head. “Do you think I’d want to spend the rest of my life knowing he was only with me because I got pregnant?”
“He has the right to know.”
I went to him and put my arms around him. “Don’t equate this with what happened to you, Daddy. It’s not the same situation. I did what I had to do, what was right for me and the baby. Hugh has been wonderful to me, and I really do care about him. Nick is gone and he’s never coming back.”
With a sigh, he rested his chin on the top of my head and hugged me. “I think you’re making a big mistake, Baby, but I guess the decision has to be yours. I will say 100
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this. Hugh is a hell of a man, taking on something like this. I hope for both your sakes it doesn’t blow up in your faces.”
“It won’t,” I promised. “Everything will work out fine.” He left shortly after that, and Hugh came out of the bedroom. If he’d heard the conversation with my father, and I didn’t see how he could have missed it, he never mentioned it.
By the day of our party, the house was finished except for the bright corner room.
We had reserved that one for a nursery. It was early that afternoon when Jenna paid us a visit.
I was in the dinning room with Hugh, unwrapping the last of the china we had bought and placing it in the cherry cabinet, when the doorbell chimed.
“I’ll get it.” He vanished into the living room.
I heard the door open and then the low murmur of voices. It seemed to go on for a long time. Curious, I was about to join him when he reappeared.
“Look who’s here.”
One glimpse of that red hair was enough to have my spine stiffening and my chin going up. Hugh crossed the room, kissed me, and then stuffed his wallet in his back pocket. “I told Dad I’d run by the office for a while today.” I nodded. “Don’t stay too long. We have to get ready for tonight.” I turned back to the china, pretending to ignore Jenna. She had hurt me and I wasn’t going to let it go easily.
She hovered in the doorway until Hugh was gone, then hesitantly crossed the room. “Alix, I’m sorry. I’ve been miserable these last few weeks. Hate me if you want to, but at least talk to me.”
“Why? So you can call my baby a bastard again?”
“I didn’t mean it. You know I could never feel that way. I was hurt and upset and it just slipped out. That whole day was terrible for me. Scott was leaving, my father acted like he couldn’t care less that I’d graduated with honors, and then you and Hugh sprang the news that you’d gotten married and hadn’t bothered to tell me. I overreacted. You don’t have to beat me up, because I’ve been doing it myself every single day since then.”
She put her hand on my arm. “I’ve missed you. You’re the only real friend I’ve ever had and I don’t want to lose you. We always promised each other that if one of us had kids, the other one would be their aunt. Please, Alix. Don’t shut me out because of one mistake. Let me be the baby’s aunt.”
Tears filled my eyes and clogged my throat. It couldn’t have been easy for her to come to me and apologize, and the truth was, I’d missed her too. Badly.
“Okay,” I choked. Then we were both crying, hugging each other while we tried to wipe the tears away. She kept apologizing until I finally threatened to hurt her if she didn’t stop, and that brought on the laughter. After we calmed down, I showed her 101
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around the house and she oohed and ahhed over everything and promised to help me with the nursery.
But something else was bothering her, and I knew her well enough to sense she wanted to tell me but was reluctant to bring it up.
“You might as well get it off your chest,” I told her when we got back to the kitchen.
She sighed and took the glasses of tea from my hands.
“I’ll carry these. You better sit down.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Yes, I think it’s going to be.”
“Okay, I’m sitting.” I plunked myself down on a chair and she took the one across from me.
“If there was any way I could keep you from finding this out, I wouldn’t tell you.
But everyone will know soon and I’d rather you heard it now, from me.” My heart quivered. “Jenna, you’re scaring me.”
She toyed with the condensation on her glass for a second. “You know Sheriff McAbee plays poker with my dad occasionally?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he was there last night and I heard them talking.” She looked up and met my gaze. “Liz Swanner reported Lindsey missing yesterday morning. The sheriff told Dad it took him about an hour to discover what had happened to her. Lindsey caught a bus out of town.” Jenna took a deep breath. “Alix, she went to join Nick.” I stared at her as nausea roiled in my stomach. “He’s positive?”
“As much as he can be without talking to Lindsey. She went to the same town, and Liz said she didn’t have any money. The only way she could have gotten a ticket was if Nick sent it to her.”
I barely made it to the bathroom before my stomach emptied.
“Oh, God. I knew you were going to be upset.” Jenna rushed around frantically, wetting a washcloth and putting it on the back of my neck. “Maybe I better call Hugh and tell him to come home.”
“No.” I sank weakly to the floor and rested my head against the cold tub. “There’s nothing he can do.”
She lowered herself to the floor in front of me and rubbed my wrist. “I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. I’ve never been good at this kind of thing.”
“It isn’t your fault.” A hysterical laugh bubbled out of me. “I told him he couldn’t have me and Lindsey both, that he had to choose. Looks like he finally did.”
“Maybe there’s a good reason. We have no way of knowing what’s going on.”
“Oh, there’s a reason all right. He loves Lindsey. God, Jenna, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.”
“You love him.”
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I shifted enough to see her. “Not anymore. I’m not wasting another second of my time on him.”
“What are you going to do?”
By sheer determination I pushed myself to my feet. “I’m going to forget that Nick Anderson ever lived. I’m going to that party tonight and I’m never looking back. And I’m going to be the best damn wife in Morganville.”
“But the baby is Nick’s.”
“No,” I told her, my voice cold. “The baby is mine. Mine and Hugh’s. Nick will never touch it.”
And so my simmering anger began its slow journey toward hatred. That day at the cemetery I had told Frank Anderson that Nick would never be like him. Now I knew the truth. Nick was worse.
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