“I’m sorry.” It seemed completely inadequate, but I said it anyway. I was sorry for what my sister did to Molly. Sorry for taking my sister’s life in every way possible. Sorry for lying to my parents. And sorry for not trusting Josh with the truth from the beginning.
I slipped my hand into his and let his warmth comfort me. I didn’t know which one of us needed the physical contact more, but it made no difference either way. We both needed the reassurance that this was real, that I was finally admitting who I was and reclaiming my own life.
I turned and looked up into his eyes, silently thanking him for being here and never giving up on me. His eyes weren’t red-rimmed like mine, but they were glossy, letting me know he’d also been crying.
I ran my hand across his cheek. It was soft and strong like him. He stared at me, his eyes distant and sad as if unsure, or maybe too scared, to believe I was finally me. I couldn’t blame him. For so long I wasn’t.
I’d never touched him like this before—gently, intimately, like he meant more to me than anything else in this world. He did; and if he’d listen to me, give me a second chance to explain, I’d tell him.
“I love you, too,” I whispered. “Since the day Maddy introduced me to you, it’s been you.”
Josh’s eyes brightened at my words and he squeezed my hand tighter.
His silence troubled me. “It’s me. Ella. I mean, I’m not going to pretend to be Maddy anymore. Not with you, not with my parents, not with anybody,” I promised.
Josh looked down at the gravestone bearing my name. His hand shook in mine, and I was too afraid to break the forgiving quiet with words. I mumbled another apology and looked away.
“I was pissed at you, Ella, angry that you lied and hurt that you wouldn’t trust me with the truth, but that never changed the way I felt about you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there in the hospital when you woke up, sorry that I didn’t stay with Alex and see for myself who you were.”
“What I did … why I did it had nothing to do with you. You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did everything wrong,” Josh said. “I should’ve told you I loved you the minute I realized it. I should’ve continued to tell you every day I saw you. I should’ve made you go to your parents and tell them you weren’t Maddy the minute I figured it out. I should’ve told them myself. I should have—”
I held a finger up to his lips, silencing him. “And I shouldn’t have lied.”
The tears he’d been holding in finally fell, his eyes glinting with hope and promise. Everybody I needed was right there, including Maddy. As long as I had Josh, then somehow, everything—the accident, Maddy’s death, me pretending to be somebody I wasn’t—was going to be okay.
“I have something for you.” Josh pulled his hand away from mine and dug into his front pocket. His fingers curled around the object he’d yanked out. Whatever it was, it was tiny, completely eclipsed by his fingers.
“What is it?” I asked. When he opened his hand, a thin multicolored string fell between his fingers. I took it, turning the string bracelet over and over. I could see where the doctors had cut it off in the ER, where Josh had tried to piece it back together.
“Where did you get this?” I asked.
“I looked for it when I got to the hospital, to see which one of you had it on, but they’d cut it off. There was a pile of your stuff in the hall … both your things. I went through it and took it.”
“Why?”
Josh shrugged. “I wanted it.”
I handed it back to him and held out my wrist. “No, give me your foot,” he said as he knelt down in the wet grass. I felt his hands on my ankle. They were shaking like mine. “I did the best I could to fix the strings they cut in the ER,” he said as he tied off the last knot. “I know it’s not perfect, and I’ll buy matching ones for our wrists tomorrow, but I want you to wear it anyway.”