I walked into my parents’ room to leave them a note. Last time I was there, Mom had my drawings scattered across her floor. They were still there, but now stacked neatly on Dad’s nightstand. I sifted through them until I found my favorite. It was a drawing of the tire swing that hung in Josh’s backyard. The rope was tattered, the tire barely there, but I loved that swing.
I turned the sketch over, my hands hovering over the blank page, unsure of what to write. A plain I’m sorry seemed too simplistic; the truth too complicated. What I finally settled on was this:
I’m Ella
I left the note on my parents’ bed, where I knew Mom would find it. She’d have questions for me when I got home, ones I had no idea how to answer. But I would, I would tell them everything and then pray they’d find a way to forgive me.
There was no going back. I knew telling my parents I wasn’t Maddy would destroy them. Mom needed Maddy, not Ella … not the quiet, independent Ella who always shut them out. But I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t get up every morning and fight to be someone I wasn’t, someone I’d never wanted to be.
And Josh, well, I was pretty sure I’d messed that up. But at the end of the day, he had Kim. She was simple and loyal and tried so hard to please him. She could make him happy in a way I never could.
41
It was always cold and damp. No matter what day I came or what the sky looked like when I left the house, it always seemed to be cold and wet here. Maybe it was an omen. More likely just typical November weather in Rhode Island.
The granite marker bearing my name glistened in the rain, like tiny jewels reflecting a light that wasn’t there. It reminded me of Maddy, of the bangles and sparkly accessories she always wore. Even in death, buried six feet below a tombstone engraved with the wrong name, she found a way to shine through, making this morbid place her own.
I closed my eyes and counted to five before speaking the words I’d been holding back for so long. “I’m Ella. I’m not you. I never could be you. I never wanted to be you. I tried … for you, I tried, but I can’t do it anymore.”
Relief and pain fought for control, those simple words a torturous reminder of what I’d done. Sighing, I closed my eyes and surrendered to the truth. That was what I wanted. That was what I’d been struggling to say since the second I realized I wasn’t my sister and never could be.
“I. Am. Ella. Lawton.” I said it again, reveling in the sound of my own name, the sense of complete peace it brought.
A warm hand grazed my shoulder, and I gasped. I’d thought I was alone, thought I had more time to practice my confession before I actually came clean to the rest of the world.
“Hey, Ella,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you, officially that is.”
Molly held out her hand and I took it, not sure what else I was supposed to do. “I was telling the truth in the cafeteria. I’m really not Maddy,” I said, confused as to why she wasn’t angry with me, wasn’t calling me demented and insane for impersonating my dead sister.
“I know. The entire school knows. You pretty much told them all in the cafeteria today.”
“Why are you here? How did you know I was here?” I had expected Josh to come looking for me. He wasn’t in the cafeteria when I apologized to Molly and Alex, but I figured it wouldn’t have taken long for the news to reach him. I even secretly wished my parents would come find me once they got home and saw my note. But I never imagined it’d be Molly, the girl whose life my sister had nearly destroyed.
“I wasn’t done talking to you in the cafeteria. You weren’t at home, so I asked Josh where he thought you’d go, and he told me here, so…” Molly held her arms out wide as if that was explanation enough. It wasn’t.
“Josh, I get,” I said. He was my best friend, of course he would know where to find me. He’d been figuring me out for years, knew me better than I knew myself most days. “But why do you care?”
Molly dropped to the ground next to me, not caring that her white jeans were now covered in mud. “You can’t trade one life for another. Trust me, Ella. Maddy’s life … you don’t want it.”