I had no doubt that Alex loved my sister. And I knew for a fact she loved him. But I couldn’t shake what Jenna had said in the bathroom—that sympathy points were absolutely working in her favor when it came to Alex.
“You seem pretty friendly with her, more so lately.” I didn’t know if that was true. For all I knew, Jenna was always fawning over Alex, but right now, for this conversation, I didn’t think it mattered. “And I know she’s been talking to you a lot about what’s going on at home, looking to you to make things better for her.”
“She mentioned that you said something to her about her father and money. I asked you not to, Maddy, but you did it anyway.”
I had. I was pissed, and she had it coming. I wouldn’t apologize; I wasn’t sorry. “So you and Jenna—”
Alex shrugged, and my heart sank. “We spent a lot of time together in school when you were out recovering from the accident. You refused to talk to her, made me be the one to answer her calls and relay information. What did you expect?”
I resisted the urge to answer, to yell that his getting close to Jenna was in no way my fault. That I had expected him to give me some time, not run to Jenna for comfort. Instead, I shook my head and ground my nails deeper into my palms.
“I’m not sleeping with her,” Alex said.
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Just because they hadn’t had sex didn’t mean something wasn’t going on. It didn’t make all the time he spent with her okay.
“You’re different now, Maddy,” he continued. “Distant and quiet. I can’t even get you to open up to me, never mind your friends.”
I thought about challenging him, asking him what he thought our conversation in the hall yesterday afternoon was about, but I didn’t. I went on the defensive: “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Nothing, but it’s nice to spend time with somebody who knew the old you.”
The old me? The original Maddy? Even Alex, the boy who ignored every indication that I wasn’t Maddy, was beginning to doubt me. And without him, I couldn’t navigate this lie … this life of Maddy’s. I’d killed my sister, and then in some attempt to give her back her life, I’d completely destroyed the one good thing she had—Alex.
“If I try harder, if I start talking to you about what happened and going to parties and field hockey practice again, will you stop spending so much time with Jenna? Will you stop letting her come between us?”
He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, then sighed as he shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think you can go back to the way you used to be. I don’t think anybody could after going through that.”
I knew what he was saying—it wasn’t Jenna who had driven a wedge between Alex and me, it was me. Alex and my parents were the one constant in this whole mess, and they were starting to slip away.
I could feel the tears building behind my lashes and cursed them. Tears weren’t going to help me and they couldn’t bring my sister back. And at the end of the day, that was the only thing I wanted—my sister. Alive. The promise that they’d call her name right after mine at graduation. The knowledge that even if we went to separate colleges, she’d only be a phone call or a spring break away. I wanted to meet her future husband for the first time over dinner, and laugh as Dad grilled him with asinine questions. I wanted to help her pick out her wedding dress and complain about the short maid-of-honor dress she’d undoubtedly make me wear. And I wanted our kids to play hide-and-seek in Mom and Dad’s house while Maddy and I did the dishes and served up dessert. That was what I wanted. That was what I needed, and it wasn’t ever going to happen.
Alex reached for my hand, and I let him take it. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Maddy. God, I so do, but I am beginning to think I’m not the one to help you get past this.”
Nobody could help me get past this.