Before leaving, I turned the coffeepot on for Mom and laid out her cup. I didn’t want her to think that nobody had come home, that nobody cared. I did, I just didn’t know how to tell her.
I skipped my first period class and parked myself outside the door of Josh’s AP Physics class. He was beyond upset with me, and I didn’t deserve his help, but I didn’t know who else to turn to. If anyone could help me figure out what was going on, it was him. And if he couldn’t, then at least he’d listen to me.
I could hear Mr. Walden asking questions about potential energy, electric potential, and electric potential difference. I didn’t know the answers. Less than a month of being Maddy, and I was already losing intellectual ground. Bonus was, I’d figured out how to curl my lashes. Who needed to understand what a joule was when you could do that?
The bell rang, and I stood up, watching and waiting for Josh to walk out.
“Hey,” I said, and reached out to stop him. He’d seen me and was planning on ignoring me. “I need to talk to you.”
“You get Alex’s approval for that?” he asked.
“I don’t need Alex’s permission.”
Josh laughed and walked past me. I hurried to catch up with him. He was my best friend, and I deserved his anger for what I’d done, his hatred even, but I didn’t want to lose him.
“Stop,” I yelled. Everyone in the hallway, including Josh, swung their heads in my direction. I gave them a mind-your-own-business stare, then quickly caught up to Josh. “I need your help.”
I could see the elation in his eyes as he took a step closer and bent down to whisper into my ear. He laced his fingers through mine and pulled me aside, at least giving us the appearance of privacy. “Okay, I think we should start with your parents. They can help us figure out how to tell Alex and everybody else. I know you’re worried that they will—”
I pulled my hand free and took a step back. “Wait, what?”
“I mean, sure they’re going to be surprised and confused, but I don’t think they’ll hate you if that’s what you are worried about. They love you.”
“I’m not telling them who I am, Josh.”
“Okay, I get that. So we can tell somebody else first, maybe my mom. She can help us figure out what to say to your parents, probably be there when you tell them if that’s what you want.”
“No, you don’t get it. I’m not telling them. Ever. Maddy deserved to live. That’s what I’m doing, making sure she does.”
He shrank back at my words as if he’d been slapped. “But you said you needed my help.”
“I do, but not with that. With something Maddy did … or something I think she did, anyway. I know why she hung out with Jenna now, why she put up with her crap.” And it had nothing to do with Maddy feeling bad for Jenna and her family situation. My guess was, Jenna knew exactly what had happened to Molly, that somehow my sister was involved and Jenna was holding it over Maddy’s head, using it to slowly take everything important away from her.
I stood there and watched his faith in me disappear, his optimism deflating as my true intentions finally took form. “You’re still going to be her? You still want to be her?”
What I wanted had nothing to do with it, but that didn’t change my answer. “Yes.”
He shook his head and backed up, put what felt like miles of distance between us. “Then I can’t help you. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, I don’t know you anymore.”
He walked away from me. No I understand. No If you change your mind, I’ll be here. Not even an It will be okay, we’ll figure it out. Nothing more than a clearly delivered, soul-crushing I don’t want you in my life anymore.
“Did you mean what you said last night? Before you left?” I called after him.
Slowly, Josh turned around, his anger still firmly in place. “Did I love Ella? Is that what you are asking me?”
I nodded, quite aware that every word I spoke was being uploaded to YouTube or texted across the entire school.