TWENTY-THREE
I STARED AT THE door he’d just slammed. I hadn’t expected him to be thrilled with my plan, but I hadn’t expected him to freak out, either.
My mouth opened and closed a few times as I turned to Ana, who shook her head. “I had a feeling this would happen. You’re asking a lot from Malachi.”
“I’m just asking him to go with a less risky plan. I can’t let you guys go in there to get killed when there’s a possibility I could get her out.”
“Less risky? That’s not how he sees it. Malachi will risk his own life in a second. He does that every day, and today he has more reason than ever. But risk you? That’s almost impossible for him. He’s let himself care for you, Lela, and he’s having trouble dealing with it. You and your plan just hit every button he has.”
“I don’t understand. You know this is better, Ana. You know I have the best chance to get her out, right?”
She sighed. “I do.”
“Malachi’s not stupid. He understands that, too. I know he does.”
Ana walked over to her pile of gear. “Of course he does. But remember—things aren’t adding up for him like they did before. It’s not all cold calculation, not when you’re involved. In fact, I can guarantee you he’s only thinking about one thing right now. He thinks you’re about to make his worst fear come true. Again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Remember I told you Takeshi was taken by the Mazikin?”
Ana began to arrange her weapons on the floor, preparing to systematically arm herself for whatever might happen. I watched her, a chill riding over my skin. She paused, head bent, fingers running over the insignia on her breastplate, over her heart.
“Malachi and I went looking for him when he didn’t return from his patrol. We found him west of downtown, walking back to the Station. I was so relieved. Takeshi had never been late before, so I had been worried out of my mind. I ran to him. Malachi was right behind me. But just as we got close, Malachi shoved me to the side and drew his scimitar.”
She closed her eyes and sank to the floor. “It was the smell. That’s how he knew. I smelled it, too, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking. It almost got me killed. If Malachi hadn’t pushed me out of the way, one of Takeshi’s knives would have been buried in my chest. It ended up buried in Malachi’s shoulder instead.
“I couldn’t believe it at first. I tried to get between them because I just couldn’t accept that Takeshi had been taken, that he was gone. Malachi had to fight both of us at first.” Her mouth twisted bitterly as she straightened and pulled one half of her breastplate aside, lifting her shirt to reveal a long scar across her ribs. “That’s what took me out of the fight and knocked some sense into me. But Takeshi’s body had gotten so weak that the Mazikin inside him was no match for Malachi. I will never forget the look on Malachi’s face as he cut Takeshi’s throat. It’s the same look he gave you right before he walked out that door.”
My stomach felt hollowed out. “He’s afraid they’ll turn me into one of them, and he won’t be able to stop it. He’s afraid he’ll have to kill me.”
“Now you get it. The other Guards like to send Mazikin into the tower. Easy. Just shove them through those doors and job done. But Malachi always kills them, because he believes he’s liberating the possessed soul. After Takeshi died, I wanted to believe it, too. I do believe it. I don’t feel bad about killing them at all. Malachi is different, though. I can tell he feels something every time he kills. And it would be even worse than it was with Takeshi if you got turned—because of how he feels about you.” Ana was strapping knives to her legs and looked intent on her task, but I saw the liquid tracks shining on her face.
“How can it be worse? Takeshi was his mentor. They’d been working together for years. You said Malachi loved him. Malachi…Malachi barely knows me,” I mumbled, trailing off at the end.
Ana shot me a disgusted look as she continued to lash weapons to every conceivable part of her body. “That boy’s on his knees for you. And I know you feel it, too. Sure, you’ve got other priorities, but I can see it in your face when you look at him.”
Ana pulled a knife and stabbed it at the door, staring me down with her fierce cat’s eyes. “He’s dying inside right now because he’s going to have to send you into that nest. Remember how determined he was to prevent that from happening? He knows letting you go in is the safest thing for Nadia, so he’ll do it. He’ll do it for you because he respects you and wants to please you. Because he made you a promise. But all he really wants to do is get you out of here, to carry you far away and never let any of them touch you.”
I took a deep breath and set my shoulders. I wanted the same thing, for him to carry me away, but I had to go through with this. It was why I had come here. “I have to get Nadia out of there. I can’t let them take her.”
Ana nodded. “Well, we’re going to do our best to get this done. But be realistic. Now that she’s in there, the odds aren’t great. The only thing we have going for us right now is that Ibram and Sil aren’t there. Many others are, though, and we’re going to have to go in blind, with no backup. We have no time to do surveillance, to get a sense of what we’re dealing with. I know this is the least risky plan, but there’s still a possibility none of us will get out.”
She opened one of the boxes she’d pulled from the bedroom closet and carefully removed its contents—several black spheres the size of golf balls. She loaded them into a satchel. When she saw me watching, she held one up.
“Michael’s handy new innovation. The only explosives in the city. You go in and grab Nadia, and we’ll be right outside, creating the mother of all distractions and waiting to cover you as you get her out.”
It felt like a semitruck had just parked on my chest. I could tell myself that Malachi and Ana would be safer if I went in, but they would lay themselves on the line for me and Nadia no matter what plan we used. I was scared out of my mind, for all of us. And the memory of my time with the Mazikin—the smell of incense and rot, the clutch of fingernails on my skin, the sight of that animal movement—made me want to curl into a ball and never move again. Only one thing could make me feel better. Only one thing had comforted me since I’d arrived in the city, offered me solace in this hellish place, made me feel stronger and more able to face all of it…but he had just stormed out.
“He’ll be on the roof. He always goes up when he needs to clear his head,” Ana said quietly. “But hurry. We can’t afford to wait much longer. I’m going to go watch. If anything changes, I’ll come get you.”
I didn’t need any more encouragement than that. I was out the door and in the stairwell a few seconds later. I was panting by the time I reached the final flight of stairs. The metal door leading to the roof creaked as I opened it, but Malachi didn’t turn around.
He stood at the edge, leaning against the half wall that ringed the roof, looking out over the city. I walked toward him slowly, giving him a chance to turn to me, but he didn’t. I was about to ask him if he had escaped over the walls again when he broke the silence.
“Why are you here? I thought you’d be getting ready.”
“I am ready.”
He spun around too quickly for me to step back. He reached behind me and yanked the rubber band from the bottom of the braid Ana had so meticulously woven this morning before our search.
“What are you doing?” Before I could protest further, he briskly threaded his fingers through my hair and unraveled it. “Hey! Stop it!” I tried to push his hands away, but he ignored me. “What is your problem?”
His hands fell to his sides, and he took a few steps back. “You’ll look more attractive to them this way,” he said in a dead, flat voice.
I tucked a stray bit of hair behind my ear. “Listen, Ana told me what you had to do to Takeshi.” The muscle in his jaw began to tick. “I wanted you to know I understand the risk. I understand what you might have to do.”
His fists clenched. “You understand nothing. You think giving me permission to cut your throat makes this better?”
“I thought it might. I don’t want some Mazikin wearing my skin. I’d want you to end it if it came to that.”
He scoffed. “Well, that’s very generous of you, Lela, since you would be long gone. But think about this as you so casually give me your blessing: The Mazikin who takes you will look at me with your eyes when I corner her. Her skin will be as soft as yours when I touch it. When I cut her, she will scream with your voice. And when I stand over her body, watching blood soak the beautiful hair that looks and feels exactly like yours, do you think I won’t feel like I’ve killed you?” His voice broke and he turned away.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and splayed my hands against his back, certain the contact would comfort us both.
I was wrong.
“Don’t touch me.”
I let my hands drop. “I’m sorry. I—”
He turned around and leaned forward. “What, Lela? What did you think touching me would accomplish? Do you know it gets worse for me every time you do?”
He might as well have slapped me. I looked down at my feet, wishing someone else were wearing my skin. “If you don’t want me to touch you, then why haven’t you ever stopped me?”
He advanced on me, raising his arms in shaky frustration. “I never said I didn’t want you to touch me! That is exactly the problem. Every time you put your hands on me, I don’t want you to let go.
“And if you touch me now, I won’t let you go,” he said more softly. “I won’t let you go after her. I won’t be able to. Please don’t put me in that position. Don’t make me break my promise to you. Don’t make this harder….” He wrapped his arms around his body. It made him look helpless.
I wanted to respect his request to keep the distance between us. But my fear made me selfish and his admission that he wanted me made me bold.
“I have to go after Nadia. You know I have to. You know it’s the only way she’ll have a chance, and you know it’s the best way for Ana as well. Even if you don’t care about your own safety, I know you care about Ana’s. But I’m about to chicken out because I’m so terrified. And I won’t be able to do this if I don’t touch you. It’s the only thing that makes me feel safe.”
I took the chance he might push me away and reached out.
“Lela,” he moaned as he took a step back and found himself up against the half wall. “Don’t ask this of me.”
I laid my hands on his waist and skimmed them around his back. He shivered at my touch. I pressed my cheek to his chest, absorbing the warmth of his skin through his shirt, inhaling deeply to draw his scent into my lungs and embed it there forever. “Let me do this, just for a few minutes before I go.”
Like that night in the Guard tower, he spread his arms, allowing me to touch him, to have control. His fingers curled over the bricks, which looked like they might crumble beneath his grip. He looked up at the veil of darkness that hung over us.
I touched his face, running shaking fingertips across the ridge of his cheekbone. His eyelids fluttered shut. I inched closer, until his breaths shook my rib cage, until his heart beat furiously against mine, until touching him was not enough—I needed him to touch me. I put all my needs and desires and hopes and fears into one word, the most powerful one I could think of.
“Malachi.”
He made a ragged sound as his arms encircled me, crushing me against him. One of his hands slid up my back to the nape of my neck. I raised my head and found his gaze hard on mine.
“Don’t do this to me,” he whispered.
Then he kissed me.
It was nothing like the kiss I’d stolen from him when he’d been unconscious. That kiss was an echo, sweet but hollow. This kiss was a living thing. A wild and dangerous thing. It spread its wings and carried us out over the city, over the walls. Malachi tasted like the forest, like the sun, like every dream I’d ever had about what this moment should be.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, drawing him closer. Oh God, it was so out of control, but in this really sweet, beautiful way. I never thought I’d be allowed to have that feeling. I thought it had been completely beaten out of me, but here it was, untouchable and clean.
Malachi moved with me, let me in, held me tight. He made this noise, this vulnerable and sexy moan, and I would have fallen if he hadn’t been holding me up. I pushed my fingers through his hair as he lifted me from the ground, never taking his mouth from mine.
The sound of the metal door clanging open wrenched me painfully back into the city. I could still taste the forest on my tongue as I pulled away from him. He leaned his forehead against mine, breathing hard.
“Don’t do this to me,” he kept repeating softly, barely audible over the crashing beats of my heart.
“Lela, Malachi, we’re losing time. Sil has arrived at the nest. We can’t afford to wait until Ibram gets there, too.” Ana’s deadly serious voice yanked me all the way back into reality, reminding me what was at stake tonight.
Malachi lowered me to the ground but did not let me go. His arms tightened around me as his lips moved silently. His eyes were squeezed shut, like he was in pain, or praying, or both.
“We have to go,” I murmured, pushing against him gently, wondering if he would keep his vow to not let me go, wondering if I would find enough strength to protest if he did. But he allowed me to back away. He spread his arms again, letting his hands find their places along the wall. I turned and walked quickly to the door, avoiding Ana’s eyes.
As I entered the building, I looked back to see Malachi standing against the wall, head bowed, chest heaving, fingers curled around the bricks, crushing them to dust.