NINETEEN
WITH ANA’S HELP, I removed the armor I’d worn all day. It had become more flexible as I walked and turned out to be pretty comfortable. By the time we got to Harag zone, I’d almost forgotten I was wearing it. But once it was off, I felt the difference. Newly freed, I slumped onto the couch with a sigh.
Ana laughed at my boneless sprawl. “Toughen up, girl. Today was easy.”
“Piece of cake,” I agreed, looking around our temporary home. We were in an apartment building a few blocks into the zone. Apparently, Malachi spent so much time in Harag lately that he’d claimed this apartment for himself. Although there were a dozen far-flung Guard outposts within the sprawling city, he and Ana also had several apartments, places where they could stash extra equipment and supplies, nurse wounds that didn’t require immediate attention, and rest safely after long patrols.
This apartment looked no different from the one near the Station, where I’d spent those few days with Malachi. It had one bedroom, which contained a narrow cot and a chest of drawers. The small living room held a couch, a coffee table, and, sitting atop a squat table against the wall, a television.
I went up to the heavy, square TV and peeked behind it to see how it was plugged in. I hadn’t actually seen any electronic or mechanical devices in the city yet. The streets and all the buildings were lit with gas lamps, and I hadn’t seen any light switches or outlets. When I saw the back of the TV, I shuddered and nearly fell backward. It was attached to the wall by a cord, all right.
An umbilical cord. At least, that’s what it looked like to me.
I warily backtracked to the couch, really, really glad I hadn’t had anything to eat recently. I spent the next few minutes trying to fool myself into believing I was not sitting in the sparsely furnished stomach of a living, breathing creature.
Ana sat down next to me on the couch and followed my gaze to the television.
“Reruns,” she said. “The Brady Bunch. And lots of commercials for hair products.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. At least, that’s what it’s been in recent years.”
Malachi walked in from the bedroom, armor still on. He looked too big for the apartment when he was wearing it. He saw us staring at the television and laughed.
“I was completely puzzled when they first appeared in these apartments and replaced the radios. I never turn them on, but Ana is a Brady Bunch addict.”
I eyed Ana with suspicion. “I thought you might have better taste.”
Ana sniffed. “It’s sweet. I used to watch telenovelas only, but I decided to branch out as my English got better. I don’t even want to know what you would see when you turn it on.”
“What, you mean it’s different for different people?”
“Sure,” said Malachi. “It’s whatever you want to see. But the reception’s not that good.”
“And they never show my favorite episodes,” Ana complained, tossing a throw pillow at Malachi.
I rolled my eyes. Of course. Whatever you wanted to see, but you couldn’t see it very well, there were lots of commercials, and it never quite hit the spot. Television in hell.
Malachi snapped his baton to his belt and looked at me. “I’m going to do a quick patrol to the east to see what kind of Mazikin activity we’re going to have to deal with. We’ll use this as our base and start searching the zone tomorrow, all right? We’ll go door-to-door if we need to.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly, touched by his consideration.
He smiled at me, nodded at Ana, and walked out the door.
Ana got up and went into the kitchen. She opened a bread box on the counter and, with a shudder, closed it quickly. She rummaged through the pantry, removing a can of vegetables and some tinned meat. After a few futile seconds spent searching for a can opener, she whipped out a knife and tore into the cans. The sickening plops of food chunks hitting the bottom of a bowl made me turn away. I didn’t want to make Ana feel worse about having to eat that stuff, so I took my churning stomach into the living room.
I parted the curtains in time to see Malachi walking down the street, headed deeper into the zone, his strides smooth and assured. I set my forehead against the filmy glass, clinging to the sight of him for as long as I could.
“He won’t be gone long. Don’t worry about him,” Ana said blandly. I turned to see her, spoon in hand, digging into the brown mush in her bowl. “He knows how to keep out of sight.”
“They all seem to know who he is. They call him by name,” I said. It seemed like that would make him a target, and he was out alone with no one at his back.
“Of course they do. He’s like the Mazikin bogeyman. He’s been their worst nightmare for decades and succeeded in keeping their population pretty small until recently.”
“But what about you? How come they don’t seem to know you as well? They wanted to recruit you, so obviously they had no idea you’re a Guard.”
Ana paused in the midst of her methodical scooping and chewing. “Malachi made sure of it. No one who’s seen me has survived. He does all the interrogations himself. He goes into all the worst places by himself. It’s better that way because I can serve as bait. It’s all ruined now, of course, because Sil got away.”
I closed my eyes to shut out the guilt. “I’m sorry, Ana.”
“It couldn’t last forever. Mazikin have a weirdly collective memory. I’m surprised it worked as long as it did. Anyway, there’s a flip side to the Mazikin knowing Malachi by sight. It makes them cautious. Even if they spot him, which is unlikely, they wouldn’t attack unless they had him very outnumbered.”
My stomach did an uncomfortable jackknife, and I threw her a sour look. “Oh, good. Thanks for that image.”
“Lela, that boy can take care of himself. Why is it your job to worry about him?”
Because I care about him much more than I should. “It’s not—but shouldn’t it be yours?”
Ana shook her head stiffly. “No. Way. We’re colleagues. If he gets himself killed, it’s because he was stupid.”
“Now I know you’re lying.”
Ana poked her spoon at me. “Girl, you have no idea what we’ve been through, so I suggest you keep your mouth shut.”
I didn’t risk more words. Instead I rolled my eyes and turned back to the window. Malachi had disappeared. I stared at the place he’d been.
Ana sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I can’t really afford to feel anything for Malachi. I’ve known him for nearly four decades, and we’ve bled together, laughed together, and fought together that entire time. He’s like my brother. But I can’t care about him like one. If I did, I might not survive it. Can you understand that? He’s going to leave or he’s going to get killed. Either way, he’s gone.”
Ana’s voice was shaking, and in it I heard the tears she would not shed. I decided to risk getting gutted with the spoon. “You’re not talking about Malachi anymore.”
The bowl clattered into the sink.
“Fine. You want to hear about it? About me and Takeshi? Let this be your lesson, because don’t think I can’t see what’s happening between you and Malachi.” She saw me open my mouth to protest. “Shut up and listen.
“First you need to understand: I came from a rough place. El Salvador is not like America. After my papa died, my mama worked the fields morning to night, and so did I. I wasn’t even eighteen and my back and hands ached so bad I didn’t want to move sometimes. I looked at my mama, all worn out and hunched over, and I knew that was my future. But I also knew how big the world was—my parents let me go to the missionary school when I was a little girl. They probably regretted it after—I was so desperate for a way out of Rancho Viejo.
“The men from the People’s Revolutionary Army had a base in the hills outside the village. My mama had warned me about them, but they were kind to me when I passed by to fetch water. They talked to me about a better life, and it was the escape I’d been looking for. I started sneaking out at night to visit them.”
She gave me a sad smile. “They taught me how to fight a little. I never thought I’d need it, but it made me feel like I had some control over my life. Over myself. I didn’t give them much in return. Just some tortillas and beans. My mama would have been so upset if she’d known. And you know what? She would have been right. Because a few months later, the death squad came. They accused us of helping the guerrillas. Nobody knew what they were talking about. Nobody except me. But I kept quiet, too stupid and selfish to speak up.”
Ana covered her face with her hands. Her voice was so flat and quiet, like each word was dragging her further back in time. “I tried to get away when they started going door-to-door, but they caught me and dragged me back to my mama. I fought them, but they said they would hurt her, so I gave up. She screamed at them to let me go, that I was a good girl, that I would never help the guerrillas. They laughed at her. And then they held us down and hurt us from the inside out. I thought it would kill me, and when they used their machetes to make my mama’s blood splash on my face, I wished it had.”
I shivered and wrapped my arms around my middle as she continued to speak. “They left me there, lying in her blood. Broken after all. My mama died believing in me. Protecting me. And I was too much of a coward to do the same for her. I might as well have killed her myself. So I used a rope and a tree to finish the job that the death squad had started. When I got here and figured out where I was, I wasn’t even surprised. I was just…all I wanted to do was fight and kick and claw at anything that crossed my path. But Takeshi…”
The springs on the couch creaked as she sat down. “He put me back together after I came here. I didn’t want his kindness at first. It was too much. I didn’t deserve it. But no matter how many times I lashed out, he was right there, ready for more. So strong. Like he could take the worst of me and not even flinch. It took years, but he was able to reach me. And once he did, there was no room in my heart for anything but him. I loved him so much my chest hurt every time I looked at him. I wanted him so badly it was a taste in my mouth. He made the mistake of loving me, too. Looked at me like I was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen, like I wasn’t just worth something; I was worth everything.”
She got up and walked slowly toward me, looking deadly once again. “He loved me so much that he hid the fact that he’d stopped eating and drinking, that it was time for him to go. For months.
“I knew he was losing some weight, but he brushed it off and made a big show of being hungry and eating in front of us. I guess he decided he would rather stay in this hell instead of going out into all that beautiful heaven without me. And you know what happened? He got so weak he was taken by Mazikin while out on patrol.”
“Oh my God, Ana, I’m so sorry.” I looked away. I didn’t want to see the expression on her face as she told me about her lost love.
“Yeah. When he died, most of me died. So if you think I’m going to let the rest of me die when Malachi goes, you’re crazy. He understands, you know. He loved Takeshi, too. I think both of us decided it was too dangerous to care for people here.”
I laid my hand against the grime that coated the window, letting the sweat from my palm and fingers streak clarity along the glass. I thought about Ana and Takeshi, in love in the middle of a war zone, unable to protect each other, knowing eventually they would be separated, probably violently.
Had Takeshi made a mistake, choosing to stay with his love? Should he have chosen heaven over her? Had Ana made a mistake by falling in love in the first place? Was it so different from life on Earth? And could Malachi, after everything he must have been through in both places, afford to care for anyone beyond his duty to them as a Guard?
It seemed like he did feel more for me than that. Every time he looked at me, whenever I put that whimsical smile on his face, the few times he’d touched me, almost from the moment we met. Whatever was between us covered me like armor, made me feel safe and scared at the same time. I wasn’t sure how deep it went for him. I could have been reading it all wrong. But if I was really honest, it was going to be pretty difficult for me to say good-bye when the time came.
I comforted myself with the memory of what Ana said about Malachi’s time in the city drawing to an end. Maybe he would join Nadia and me out in the Countryside. I wondered what he’d be like when he didn’t have to carry the promise of death with him wherever he went. I wanted to find out.
I turned away from the window, rubbing the grit from my palms, and saw Ana watching me. “You’ve got to be careful, Lela. This place is made to tear you down. That’s what it is. It tears you down so that when you go before the Judge, you’ll accept the verdict—no matter what it is. It makes falling in love very dangerous.”
“Falling in…” I forced out a laugh, which sounded really loud and high-pitched. Maybe I had a little crush. But love? I couldn’t even fathom what that might feel like. Especially here. Especially with Nadia still out there somewhere.
Especially because it felt really, really out of control.
“Ana, I think you’re getting carried away. I haven’t even been here for two weeks, and I’m going to get out of here as soon as I find Nadia. That’s what I need to do, nothing else.”
I crossed the living room and headed for the bathroom. I desperately needed a shower, almost as much as I needed to escape Ana’s knowing stare, her sad smile, her tragic story, and all the lessons I didn’t want to learn.
“Yeah, I know why you’re here. Just make sure you don’t confuse what you want and what you need,” Ana said just before I put a closed door between us.