Chapter Thirteen
Chase’s feet felt as if they weighted a ton while he climbed the stairs. The only part of his body not numb with shock was his heart. A dull ache was centered in his chest at the thought of what his daughter had been going through. He should have known, damn it. This was exactly the kind of thing Becky would do.
He stopped when he reached the bedroom. A my was curled on the bed, Bubbles clutched against her chest. Even from the door he could see that her eyes were red and swollen from crying. A s soon as she saw him, her chin quivered and the tears started again.
“Do you hate me?”
In two strides he reached the bed and scooped her into his arms. “Oh, baby, I could never hate you. I love you,” he crooned. “More than anything else in the world.”
“But I’m not really your daughter,” she sobbed the words into his neck.
“Yes, you are.” The words were fierce and he took a deep, shaky breath. “You’ve been my little girl from the second you were born, and you always will be. We should have talked about this a long time ago, but I wanted to wait until you were older, until you could understand it better.”
She drew back and looked at him. “You mean you knew?”
“I’ve known since you were a baby. It’s never made any difference, sweetheart.” He smoothed a strand of hair away from her damp cheeks. “A nyone can get a woman pregnant, A my, but from the second you wrapped your tiny hand around my finger I’ve been your father.
I’m the one who changed your diapers and stayed up all night scared out of my mind when you were sick. I’m the one you spit peas all over the first time I tried to feed them to you. I played dolls with you and taught you how to ride a bike. A nd I’ve always loved you.” His arms tightened. “God, I’ve loved you. Those are the things that make me your father, Sweetheart. You are my daughter. When you’re old and gray with a hundred grandchildren, you’ll still be my little girl.”
She threw her arms around his neck and buried her face against his shoulder. “I love you, Daddy,” she sobbed. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t want me anymore.”
“I’ll always want you,” he whispered. “A s a matter of fact, you may have trouble getting rid of me when you’re grown. Think they’d let me live in the dorm with you when you go to college?”
“I won’t go to college. I’ll stay here and take care of you.”
His eyes shut in pain. “No, Sweetheart. A s much as I love you, I don’t need you to take care of me. You’re a beautiful little girl, and someday soon you’re going to be a beautiful young lady. I want you to have a life of your own. You’re so smart, A my. You can be anything you want to be.”
Using the heels of her hands, she wiped her eyes. “Even a choreographer like Jessie?” Chase thought about it. “Well, she says you’re good at dancing.”
“Really?” Her eyes lit up.
“Really.” He smiled at her. “So if that’s what you want to do, maybe Jessie can help get you into a good college for the performing arts.”
“I’d have to go to New York.”
“Yeah, and I’d finally get to see the place. I’d have to come visit you a lot.”
“A nd I could come home for vacations.”
“I’ll be counting on it.” He stood and pulled her to her feet. “Maybe we should get out of here and let Jessie have her room back.”
“Okay.”
Hand in hand, they descended the stairs. Jessie was still sitting in the same spot at the kitchen table, staring down at her cup. She didn’t even look up until A my ran to her and threw her arms around her.
“I love you, Jess.”
Her eyes met Chase’s over A my’s head as she hugged the little girl back and the hollow place inside him suddenly filled to overflowing.
That makes two of us, he thought dazedly. The realization was almost too much, coming on the heels of the emotion-packed scene with A my.
It felt as though his brain was shorting out.
“I love you too, Sweetie. Don’t you ever forget it.”
“I won’t.”
Chase’s brow furrowed. Something about the tone of Jessie’s voice bothered him. He tried to catch her eyes again, but she wouldn’t look at him.
“Jess, are you okay?”
A wan smile crossed her face, but she nodded. “I’m fine. It’s just been a rough day. For all of us.” He studied her a second longer. She did look tired. “Why don’t you go to bed early tonight? We’ll get out of your way and let you get some sleep.”
She dipped her head in a brief nod. “Thanks. I think I will.”
Still he hesitated. “See you tomorrow?”
“Sure.” She stood, but kept the chair between them. “Goodnight, Chase.”
“Goodnight.”
Something was wrong. He could feel it deep in his gut. It was almost as if she’d known he wanted to kiss her and had made sure he couldn’t.
He glanced at A my, walking beside him across the backyards. “I guess you and Jess had a long talk tonight.”
“Yeah. She told me I had to talk to you.”
“She was right.” He held the door open for her and then followed her into the kitchen. “Did you talk about anything else?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“Just wondering if there was something I should know. Why don’t you get ready for bed and I’ll come up and tuck you in?”
“Do you have to work tomorrow?”
“Not unless there’s an emergency.”
“Since it’s the last day before school starts, can we go swimming?”
He tousled her hair. “I don’t see why not. Maybe we can pack a picnic and see if Jess wants to go with us.”
“Great!” She hugged him tight. “I love you, Dad, even if you never marry Jessie.” Suddenly his heart was in his throat. “A my, did you tell Jessie that?”
“No. A t least I don’t think I did. I only told her what you said when I asked you if you were in love with her.” Frantically, he racked his brain trying to remember their conversation. “A nd what was that?”
“You said it was too soon to tell.” She looked at him in puzzlement. “Shouldn’t I have told her?” Relief made his legs weak. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. Jessie must be upset about something else. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Sweetheart. Now, head on up to bed. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
A s she left the room, he turned to survey Jessie’s house. He was very tempted to go back and find out for sure what was upsetting her.
But all the lights were off, not so much as a glimmer shining from any window.
Maybe his instincts were wrong this time. Maybe she really was just tired. Neither of them had been getting much sleep the last few days.
They had been too caught up in each other. He’d let her rest tonight, he decided. They would have plenty of time to talk tomorrow.
He shifted uneasily. Should he tell her he loved her? This was totally out of his realm of experience. He’d never been in love before, much less told someone he loved them.
A nd what about after he told her? His mind sheared away from that thought. One step at a time. There was no rush, and no reason why they couldn’t just enjoy being together for a while. He’d worry about what came next later.
Flipping lights off as he went, he headed upstairs to tuck his daughter into bed. They still had a lot of talking to do, and he knew it would take time, but A my was on the right track now. A nd it was all because of Jessie.
* * * * *
Jessie couldn’t remember ever being this miserable in her whole life. Not even when her parents divorced and she’d thought her life was over. Desultorily, she tossed another peanut into the monkey’s cage and watched as he scrambled to retrieve it.
Her father had brought her to the Houston Zoo often when she was a little girl. She had loved it then, the crowds, the animals, and the smells. But somehow it just wasn’t the same when you were alone.
Slowly, she turned and headed down the paved walk, away from the monkeys. The big cats had always been her favorite exhibit. There was something fascinating about an animal that big moving so silently. Something exciting about so much power and strength concealed beneath such a glossy exterior. Kind of like Chase.
She stopped abruptly, almost getting run over by a mother pushing a stroller. She’d promised herself she wasn’t going to think about him today. Wasn’t that why she’d left so early this morning? To avoid him?
“Coward,” her mind whispered.
Her chin squared defiantly at the mental jeer. She was not a coward. They both needed some space, that was all. The last few weeks had been a blur of spinning emotions. A t least for her they had been. A nd that was the real problem, wasn’t it? Because she wasn’t sure they had been for Chase.
In disgust, she found a shaded bench near the polar bears compound and sat down. If she was going to think about this, she might as well be comfortable.
Hindsight being twenty-twenty, she should never have listened to Dom. That had been where she’d started to get confused. She should have stuck to her guns and refused all of Chase’s advances. In New York, her priorities had been in order. She had known it wasn’t going to be easy seeing him again, but she’d been prepared for it. Or at least, she’d thought she was. What she hadn’t counted on was his interest in her.
Truthfully, she couldn’t really blame Dom. He had only told her what she wanted to hear. That she had a chance to make Chase love her.
She should have known better. It was only her looks that attracted him, as she’d first believed. Hadn’t he proved it?
When they’d made love had he given any indication that he really cared about her? No. Instead he’d told her how beautiful she was, how perfect. A nd now she didn’t know what to do.
She rolled A my’s words over in her mind. He’d said it was too soon to know if he loved her. Okay, that might not thrill her, but she could understand it. She’d had years of knowing she loved him. He had only been aware she existed for a few weeks.
A nd it wasn’t like he’d led her on with sweet promises. It had been just the opposite. She’d known how he felt about marriage and she’d started this anyway. The thousand-dollar question was whether she could go on with things the way they were. She wanted Chase, but she also wanted a real relationship. One that included a husband and family.
She rubbed her forehead in confusion, then lifted her gaze to the clear sky. “Hey,” she murmured. “I could use some help down here.
Nothing spectacular. I don’t need you to turn water into wine or make donkeys talk. But a little sign would sure help. Just something to point me in the right direction.”
With a sigh, she glanced at her watch. It was still too early to head home. She might as well do some shopping and grab a late supper at one of the better restaurants in town. Combined with the traffic on the return trip, Chase should be in bed by the time she made it back.
The thought of him in bed made her eyes close in an agony of wanting. Which was exactly why she had to avoid him while she came to a decision. She had no willpower where he was concerned. One look from those deep blue eyes and she’d melt like an ice cube in a tub of scalding water.
She made her way through the gates and headed toward the parking lot. A t least she’d been there when A my needed her. Maybe the little girl could finally begin to recover from the damage her mother had done. Now, if she could only find a way to straighten out her own life everything would be just peachy.
* * * * *
Chase leaned against the frame of his bedroom window, staring morosely at Jessie’s house. Where the hell was she? By the time he and A my had gotten up this morning, her car was gone. He had delayed their swimming trip, thinking maybe she’d just run to the store and would be back soon. But she hadn’t been.
A fter waiting an hour, he’d gone to her house hoping to find a note. Her doors had been locked. No one locked their doors in Rocky Flats.
With an increasing sense of unease, he’d even called Bridget, but she hadn’t seen or heard from Jessie since the day before. He’d been right yesterday. Something was wrong. He should have followed his instincts and gone back to find out what it was.
A bruptly, he straightened as headlights illuminated Jessie’s driveway. It was about damn time. He grabbed his jeans and slid them on, then paused only long enough to make sure A my was asleep before slipping out of the dark house.
She was trying to unlock her door, juggling two bags, when he stepped onto the porch behind her. “Looks like you could use some help.”
“Chase!” She turned so fast the bags started to topple. “I thought you’d be in bed by now.” Thought or hoped? Was she trying to avoid him? He caught the bags and lifted them from her arms. “I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been too busy worrying about where you’d vanished to.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to worry you.” She unlocked the door and pushed it open. “I decided to go into Houston this morning.” He deposited the bags on the counter. “Next time you disappear, could you give me a little warning? I’ve been going out of my mind all day. I kept picturing you in an accident somewhere.”
She gave him a wan smile. “Well, as you can see I’m fine. What did you want?”
“A my and I went swimming. We wanted you to go with us.”
“How is she?”
“Better than I’ve seen her in a long time.” He leaned back and winced slightly when his bare skin touched the cabinet. “She actually got involved with another girl her age. Now she’s all excited about going to school tomorrow.”
“That’s wonderful.” She gestured at his back. “You’d better put something on that. Looks like a nasty sunburn.”
“I don’t have anything. A nd even if I did, I can’t reach that far behind me.” He shrugged. “I’ll survive.” She hesitated. “Just a minute.” She turned and left the room, coming back with a blue jar in her hand. “Sit down.” Even as he complied, he eyed the jar warily. “What’s that?”
“A burn ointment. It should take some of the sting out.”
When the first of the lotion hit his back he shivered. “God, that’s cold.”
“Only because your skin is so hot.” She smoothed it gently across his back.
For a few seconds he simply enjoyed the touch of her hands on his body. He wasn’t used to having someone do things like this for him. It was kind of nice, something he could get used to with very little effort. A nd she was right. The pain from the burn was already easing. But that wasn’t why he was here at midnight.
Before she could recap the jar and move away, he caught her hand and pulled her down onto his lap. “Jess, is something wrong? Did A my do or say something to upset you last night?”
Her gaze met his intently, then she blinked and looked down. “Of course it upset me. When I think about how long A my was living with that information, how scared she was, it makes me want to find Becky and strangle her. How could she do that to her own child?”
“I stopped trying to figure Becky out a long time ago.” He brushed a dark stand of hair away from her cheek. “A re you sure that’s all it was? This trip to Houston sure was sudden.” His voice softened. “You aren’t running from me again, are you Jess?” She took a deep shaky breath and looked up at him. “I don’t know. Maybe. I think I needed a little breathing space.”
“Why?” Just the fact that she felt that way scared him. He might not be ready to commit yet, but he also couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.
“I guess because things have been happening too fast.”
Her gaze drifted down his chest and she shifted restlessly before flattening her palm on his arm. “You have to understand that I didn’t expect anything like this. Especially not with you. I kind of feel like a bug on the windshield of a Mack truck.”
“Why especially not with me?”
She leaned against him with a sigh, her body, soft and warm, relaxing into his. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head, inhaling the sweet scent from her hair.
“I know Bridget told you I had a crush on you during high school. A really bad one. You were all of my fantasies rolled up in one. But I was realistic. I knew a fantasy was all you’d ever be. I didn’t expect that to change when I came back.”
“A re you sorry it did?”
Her body went so still he wondered if she’d fallen asleep. Then she lifted her arms to circle his neck, her fingers twining through his hair.
“No,” she murmured. “I can’t be sorry. The real you is so much better than the fantasy ever was.” Her lips moved softly against his. “How’s a girl supposed to fight that?”
“She doesn’t,” he whispered, his chest aching with relief. “She just enjoys it.”