Chapter Forty-One
I held her tight all night. Later on when Gabe came in I told him I was keeping her. With a smirk he told me he’d return with some fresh clothes. A year ago I wouldn’t have picked him out of a crowd — now it felt like he was my best friend. And I owed it all to the girl sleeping in my arms.
Weston
I didn’t have any nightmares, and by five in the morning, when the nurse checked on me again. I felt back to my old self.
Except for the fact that they moved the surgery forward. It was going to happen in less than five days. Which meant my time with Kiersten was now severely limited. In six days I could be dead, and if I wasn’t dead I’d either be in a coma or be sent home to die. I told Gabe I’d fight and I wanted to, but it was hard to be optimistic, so damn hard.
I prayed over and over again that God would spare me, not because I cared that much about my own life — but because I cared about hers.
Sleep wasn’t happening, so by the time Gabe stopped by with a duffel bag I was wide-eyed and ready for coffee — anything but those damn pills they kept forcing down me.
“Sleeping still?” Gabe whispered when he walked in.
“Like the dead.”
“Not funny, man.” Gabe’s voice hitched as he took a seat and put his head in his hands. “So not funny.”
“Too soon?” I laughed.
“I can’t…” Gabe licked his lips and looked at me. “There are others more deserving of cancer, you know? That’s what gets me. Why does God allow people like you—? People who have such a bright future — why do you get cancer when mass murderers live their lives in jail getting to watch free HBO? I don’t get it.”
“I don’t know, man.” I sighed. “I can’t explain it. I guess that’s just what happens when we live. Nobody is promised anything. That’s why life’s so precious.”
“It should have been me,” Gabe whispered so I almost couldn’t hear him.
“Gabe?”
“What?” He snorted. “Do you even realize that type of life I’ve led? The drugs? Sex? Girls? Stealing to get high? Shit, man, it should have been me. I would…” He choked on his words and looked away. ”I would take your place. I just want you to know. If God told me that was my penance for living the shitty life I’ve lived, I’d take your place. I asked Him, hell, I begged last night, and you know what? Nothing. Silence.”
“So live a better life,” I snapped. “Do better. Be Better. Don’t let my life be wasted. If I need to be sacrificed in order for you to get that, then that’s fine. Just don’t let it destroy you, let it renew you.”
Gabe sniffed. I could tell he was minutes away from losing it. Hell, I’d been that way all night. It hurt like hell to keep the tears in, to stay strong when the love of my life was lying against me crying in her sleep.
“How’s my favorite patient?” The nurse walked into the room and grabbed the clipboard. “You ready for your MRI?”
No. Hell, no. I didn’t want to know the truth. So I’d asked them not to tell me. If I was going to die I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to go into surgery with the mindset of defeat.
“Sure, let me just wake Sleeping Beauty.”
Gabe jumped to his feet. “I’ll just be outside. I’m sure she’ll be hungry.”
“Gabe,” I called after him.
He turned. “Yeah?”
“I do have one favor to ask.”
“Anything.”
“I need you to do something for my girl.” I smiled and licked my lips. “She’s going to be pissed, but promise me you’ll do it.”
Gabe laughed. “I like the idea already.”
“I’ll text you the details later. I have it set up for tomorrow, okay?”
“Sounds good.” Gabe waved and walked off as I leaned down and kissed Kiersten’s lips.
“Mmm,” she moaned.
I kissed her lips again. Her eyes fluttered open. “Tell me it was a bad dream, Wes.”
“Not a bad dream, just not my favorite.” I brushed the hair from her face and closed my eyes as it ran through my fingers. “Now, as much as I love having you plastered against me, that nice nurse standing over there needs to take me for my MRI.”
“Oh.” Kiersten jumped to her feet a little unsteady at first and then shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “I probably look like a mess anyways. I should go get a shower.”
“Gabe has stuff for you.” I nodded to the door. “My dad has a suite in his own private part of the hospital. You and Gabe can sleep there and take showers, alright? I’m assuming you want to be here and—”
“I’m not leaving your side,” she vowed.
That was what I’d been afraid of. I would be the one leaving and she — she would stay.
“Alright.” I yawned and gave her a wink. “I’ll be done in a bit and then we can talk all about how I’m the worst boyfriend in the world for missing the Homecoming party.”
She smiled at that and walked out of the room.
“Beautiful girlfriend.”
I looked at the nurse, not caring that she was probably going to think I was crazy and said, “I would make her my wife if I could.”
The nurse smiled and patted my arm. “Don’t give up yet. Sometimes when we think God has written The End, what he really means is The Beginning.”
****
The MRI scared the hell out of me. I always hated them but wasn’t given much of a choice in this instance. Instead of concentrating on not moving — I thought about Kiersten. I imagined what she would look like when she was thirty. Would her smile still be the same? Would her belly be swollen with a child? Damn, but I wanted the child to be mine. I bit down hard on my lip. I had to stay still, my fists wanted to clench. I wanted to yell. My visions went on fast forward to Kiersten as an old woman sitting on the porch holding her husband’s hand. I wasn’t sure why I was torturing myself. Hell, I’d known her for three months, but it wasn’t that instant love thing that had been a part of all my teenage and college years. I knew it was real. Maybe that was God’s final gift to me — true love.
Before I knew it, the MRI was over and my face was wet with tears. The minute I could move I wiped the wetness from my face so nobody would notice. The last time I cried was when Tye died. Funny, how death really brings it out in people. Three months ago I was ready. Three months ago I had accepted my fate. But now? Now I wanted more than anything to be a part of Kiersten’s story, not just a chapter, but the entire damn book. I just wasn’t sure what the plan was. All I knew is it was out of my control. Maybe that was the scariest thing. In life we always have some measure of control whether it be over our emotions or choices, but when it comes to cancer? The only thing you can control is how you respond to it.
“How are you feeling?” that same nurse asked. She had bright blond hair, almost translucent. Her skin was a pale white, but she didn’t look washed out. She was really pretty, though I couldn’t tell how old she was. Maybe thirty? Forty? I must have looked confused, because she put her warm hand to my forehead. “Are you feeling ill?”
“No, sorry.” I laughed. “I just, I know this sounds strange, but I can’t tell how old you are.”
Her smile brightened. “We’re as old as we feel, right?”
“Right.” And I felt hella old. Especially after that morning’s round of medications. At least I didn’t have to swallow anything anymore. Nah, they just pumped all those fun drugs directly into my veins. Lucky me.
“Weston.” Her voice was crisp. “It’s going to be okay.” She grabbed my hand and patted it.
I looked at her name tag, Angela. It fit. She seemed more angel than nurse anyway.
“Thanks, Angela.”
She looked at me in confusion.
I pointed to the name tag.
She laughed. “Brilliant college boys.”
“What can I say?” I grinned as she helped me back to my bed.
Forty-one or forty-five. I was going to stick with that. She was probably the same age as my mom would have been before her untimely death. She’d had blond hair too. It was probably why I was acting like a lunatic. I wondered if the drugs did that to me, made me more emotional than normal.
“Sleep,” Angela ordered upon returning me to my room. “And I’ll be sure to wake you when your future wife arrives.” She winked.
I couldn’t trust myself to talk. Although I appreciated the nurse’s optimism, it fell on deaf ears. I was already starting to feel the cold seep into my limbs — as if death was coming for me and there was nothing I could do but wait for its all-consuming presence.
“God…” I choked on the word. “I know we haven’t talked much in the past few years. Hell, I told you I hated you when Tye took his own life.” I cursed again and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I don’t even care about myself anymore, just promise me she’ll be okay. If I don’t make it… if you take me, just let Kiersten be okay. She can’t go down that road — I don’t care if you have to punish me, God. If she’s going to suffer, give me her pain instead. If her heart’s going to break, break mine for hers. Please, God… please.” The drugs Angela had given me started to kick in, I fell into a dreamless sleep with that prayer repeating over and over again in my head.