Pull

Chapter Thirty-one

Alyssa

Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were

off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first

time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I

wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was

breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.

It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just

crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few

weeks was a giant joke.

I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed,

putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto

the floor.

I should have known something bad was going to happen

what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my

cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me

was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.

Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.

I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and

grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened

the packet and frowned.

It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather

cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first

page.

July 19, 2010

Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get

ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s

like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find

the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it

freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our

kids would look like.

I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my

mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul

with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve

done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do

things I know I shouldn’t.

Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and

shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt

terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that

pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.

My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we

can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.

Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few

pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose

or not.

September 1, 2010

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the

second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even

remember it happening.

Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a

mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for

Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke

up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.

I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant

to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the

minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.

It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by

the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid

courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around

and told her I loved her.

I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours

after having sex with someone else.

I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the

tears for passion when they were tears of regret.

If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take

back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is

getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.

Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve

ever loved.



October 27, 2010

I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I

know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell

her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects

me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her

heart away with me to school.



I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of

the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.

A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile

was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football,

and he was swinging me around.

“Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the floor and sobbed

into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why

wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I

would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so

much worse!

How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?

Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy

than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?

I jerked up when I heard something knock against my

window.

Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear

open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.

I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.

He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern

as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded

my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.

“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me

back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me

across the bed.

Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips

against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt

and lifted it over my head.

Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as

his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations

at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a

million pieces.

“I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my

stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up

and went in for another scorching kiss.

What did he mean too much?

I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He

wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I

was out of breath.

“Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”

“What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure

about the fact that I was shirtless.

“Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”

I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the

floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”

“Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.

“Leave me alone!”

“No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the

bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love

you.”

My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He

said he loved me too.”

Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”

“It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn

cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did

and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave

me, just like him.”

“It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to

leave you.”

“You won’t either.”

“Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you

going to stop running?”

Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”

“I can’t.”

“Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”

“It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You

want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that

I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”

“What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?

Feel his skin against mine?

“The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”

Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a

few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was

better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how

much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him

not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a

hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.

“Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before

releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to

know something…”

“What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!

“I’ll never stop.”

“Never stop?”

“Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can

hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did

to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.

So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal,

then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse

me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I

love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving

you.”

Something finally snapped inside me. Maybe it was my

sanity; whatever it was, I felt it the minute it unleashed. Like a tiny

thread that was finally stretched too tight and with one final pull, it

disintegrated.

All I knew is everything hurt, and all my hurt was directed

at Brady. I could see it now, but Demetri was standing right there

so I lashed out.

I grabbed the journal off the floor and threw it at his face. It

missed him by a few feet. I started scrambling on the floor for

something else to throw, something else that could cause him pain,

make him hurt as much as I hurt.

I was on my hands and knees when it happened. When

Demetri’s arms flew around me and held me close to his chest. I

threw my elbows and legs all over the place, but he was

unmovable.

Exhausted, I finally collapsed in his arms.

“I hate him so much.”

“I know, sweetheart. I know.”

I don’t know how long we sat on the floor like that. Me in

his arms, rocking back and forth. After a while my eyes grew heavy

and I succumbed to the darkness.