I love that you want to be around, WE love having you around, but I want to be able to take my daughter out for a walk and not worry about checking-in with you. And I want you to be comfortable with us going out. We both have to give and take here, or we’re going to suffocate each other. I think it’s pretty obvious that I want to be with you by now, and you’ve said you want the same, so maybe once you’ve read this and understand a little more how I feel, we can talk. I want this to work. I want our little family together.
Holly X
I gripped her letter in my hand and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose. I was gutted that I’d made her feel like I thought she was a bad or an incapable mum. That was the last thing I felt. And I hated Max impossibly more because of it.
Folding the letter and shoving it in my pocket, I walked downstairs to find her. I wasn’t going to let my past and my insecurities mess this up for us. We’d only been together for two bloody days, and Max was coming between us already!
He wasn’t going to win.
“Holly?” I called at the bottom of the stairs.
“In the kitchen,” she replied. She sounded nervous, knowing I’d read the letter.
Holly and her mum sat around the kitchen table. Sylvie was giving Sophia Holly’s expressed milk from a bottle – something she’d finally agreed to do so I could help with the night feeds.
“How’s my girl?” I asked, brushing the back of my fingers over her baby-soft hair.
“Hungry. But we’re fixing that now, aren’t we, sweet girl,” she said to Sophia.
Holly gnawed at her lip, tapping the table. She was nervous, and I didn’t want to make her suffer any longer.
“Sylvie, do you think you could look after Soph while Holly and I go for a drive?”
She nodded and her smile gave her away, she knew about the letter and Holly’s feelings.
“Yes, of course.”
I let Holly walk out first after she’d kissed Soph, and she kept her eyes on the floor, avoiding me. I took one last look at Sophia necking her bottle and followed. I would do anything for them both, including facing my biggest fear.
Holly slung her coat on and left the house, not bothering to wait. She was nervous. I knew she found it hard to express herself or say what she wanted, so I didn’t mind that I was being ignored and would have to start the conversation.
“Where to?” I asked as I got in and switched the ignition on.
She shrugged, clicking her seatbelt in.
“Okay, maybe just McDonalds drive-thru for a coffee? I’d quite like to stay in the car for privacy.” And we both needed caffeine for this talk.
“Sounds good,” she replied, finally looking over at me.
I pulled out of her parents’ drive.
“Your letter gutted me,” I said.
She visibly shrank in the seat.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
“No, don’t be sorry, I want you to be honest. I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”
We quickly fell silent. I wanted to give her time to think everything through, even though I wanted to have it out now. Holly was the type to close up if she was pushed. Pulling up at the drive-thru, I placed our order and wiped my hands on my jeans. The silence was killing me. I wanted it sorted out now so we could move on, but she bottled things away, fearing confrontation.
I paid for the coffees and handed them to Holly while I parked the car.
“You’re too quiet,” I said as I turned the engine off and turned to her.
“Sorry,” she replied.
I sipped my coffee as the silence stretched out again.
“Holly, you’re an incredible mum. Sophia is lucky to have you. I’ve never thought that you can’t cope, or you can’t protect her. I trust you one hundred per cent to do what’s best for her.”
“Then why are you so hostile to my family and friends?”
“Because I don’t know them.”
“I do.”
“Yeah, but you can never know someone completely.”
“You don’t know me completely, but you trust me with her, right?” She raised her eyebrows, challenging me to say no.
“Of course I do. Look, I can’t help who I trust and who I don’t. It’s not easy for me to trust anyone, and I’m sorry, but if I’m not comfortable with someone around my daughter I’m not leaving them with her.”
“Jasper, we were in the same room, and you still looked like you wanted to kill them all.”
“They were holding her.” That was enough. When someone had her that I didn’t know, all I could see in my head was her silently crying.
“In front of us!”
Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair. I couldn’t make her understand, not properly, but I was sure I knew someone that could help.
“We’re going to see Carol,” I said. “We need to sort this properly, or we’re gonna screw this up before it’s properly begun.”
Her eyes softened. “Okay. I want this to work.”
“Good. Me too.”
“I should be more understanding.”